had to let it go. I felt I had upset her enough without demanding that she give you up."
"You're happy, Father?"
"As near as one can be. I missed you and Philip... and now there is this trouble about him. Why did he have to go off to these far-off places? They are full of danger."
"He had to go. The urge was so strong. He couldn't resist it. He wasn't like you, Father. He loved the business of map making. It was romantic and exciting to him. I am a little like that, too."
"It's in the blood, I think. It passes over some of us. I never had it, but would you believe it, Jan has. He is always talking about maps and plying me with questions."
My heart began to beat fast. Jan interested. This seemed too good to be true.
"I like Jan very much, Father."
"Yes, I can see there is something special between you two. I'm glad. That pleases me a great deal."
"Father, would you like me to stay the whole month here with you and the family?"
"My dear Annalice, nothing would please me more. But would that not be a sacrifice for you? I gathered there was so much you were looking forward to seeing."
"It's true. But how could anything compare with discovering one's own family?"
"You are welcome, my dear. We should love to have you."
"I feel I want to get to know Jan... absolutely. I am sure Granny would love him. And he is so interested in maps you tell me. Are you going to let him take it up as a profession?"
"If he persists in his enthusiasm, of course."
"You still have Charles to follow you in the export business."
"I never believe in forcing people. It is their own choice. That is something your grandmother and I did not agree about."
"I know. She mourns Philip terribly."
"But there is hope ..."
"It seems to grow less as time passes. I was wondering... would you allow Jan to come and visit us?"
"Do you think your grandmother would want that? She was very much against the marriage."
"I know she wants it very much indeed. It might be difficult to get her to say so, but I am sure she does. / want it very much."
"Well, we could ask Jan."
"So I have your permission to do so?"
"Shouldn't you ask your grandmother first?"
I shook my head. "I know her well. If I returned home with Jan she would be delighted. She would love him on the spot. He is so like Philip ... his enthusiasms ... his ardour about map making. It would help her so much. It would help us both so much. Jan too ... Perhaps he could stay with us for a while and go to the shop and meet old Benjamin Darkin. Philip was constantly at the shop, so was I. It seems that Jan is one of us."
"Sound him out... gradually. Make sure it is what he really wants."
I did not think there was any doubt that Jan would seize the opportunity with alacrity, but I would, as my father said, approach it gradually.
When I told Raymond he was delighted.
"Fate is on our side," he said. "I have another idea. Why don't we ask Jan to be a member of our party. I am sure he would like to see something of the world. Then ... we should not have to lose your company."
"Raymond," I cried, "you have the most wonderful ideas!"
Raymond smiled modestly. "Am I moving too fast?"
"Certainly not. It is always an advantage to move fast."
"Almost always perhaps," he said with a smile.
When I asked my father about Jan's joining us, he was hesitant. He said he would talk to Margareta.
I wondered whether she would want to let her son go because I was sure she was wise enough to see the way events were moving. I suppose she knew that Jan would want to come to England. I was a little unsure of Margareta. My father I understood. He was a man devoted to his children but his greater affection was for his wife. That was how he had been with my mother and was the reason why he was able to leave his children with our grandmother. Although he loved his children and wanted the best for them, it was Margareta who had his great love. Much would depend on her.
Margareta was a home-builder, I could see that and whether she would allow her eldest son to leave home, even for a short time, was doubtful.
I believe she grappled with herself and came to the conclusion that as Jan was so set on a career with maps it was better for him to go into the family business if that were possible. And she must have decided that it would be excellent experience for him to travel a little. Permission was given and when I suggested that he should come with us on the trip his excitement was intense.
He had been sad because he had thought I was going away soon and was wondering when he would see me again—which was immensely gratifying. But to hear he was coming with us, to see the forests of Germany, the castles of the Rhine, the lakes of Switzerland and the big cities of other countries dazzled him.
He left with us. We were seen off by the whole family. "See you soon," they cried, for it was arranged that on our return journey I should spend another three days with them before leaving for England.
It was wonderful to watch Jan's excitement, to have long talks with him, to drift across lakes, to climb grassy slopes round the chalet in the Black Forest where we spent two nights.
Sitting on the hillside in the mountains, listening to the occasional tinkle of a cowbell, deeply aware of the resinous smell of the pines, I felt almost content. If only it were Philip beside me. I pulled myself up sharply and I said suddenly: "Jan, how would you like to come to England?"
"To England? Do you mean that, Annalice?"
"Yes, I do. You could come back with us. You could stay awhile and see if you liked it. I could show you the shop, as we call it. It is quite fascinating with all the maps and the printing presses. We have a wonderful man in charge called Benjamin Darkin. He is reckoned to be one of the finest cartographers in England. He would show you how maps are made. It really is fascinating."
Jan was silent. I held my breath watching him.
Then he turned to me and his eyes were blazing with excitement.
"My parents would not let me go," he said.
"I think they would."
"My father might."
"Your mother would too."
"You don't know her, Annalice."
"Yes, I do. As a matter of fact I have spoken to them. I thought I should before I spoke to you. They are agreeable. So it is up to you."
He remained silent. But I realized that the wonder of my suggestion completely bewildered him.
They were exciting days. I shall never forget the magnificence of the Swiss mountains and the beauty of the lakes, the excitement of sailing down the Rhine and looking up at the fairy-tale castles perched high above the river. We stayed in small towns in which one could expect the Pied Piper to appear at any moment; we passed through forests where characters from the stories of the Grimm brothers would have fitted so perfectly.
The men had certain business to attend to and Grace, Jan and I would go out together. We explored cathedrals, markets, narrow cobbled streets and broad highways and as I watched Jan's enthusiasm for everything I could almost believe I was young again, and this was Philip who was with me.
Once he said to me as we raced down a hill slope together and came level with each other: "The nicest thing that could ever happen to anyone is to find a grown-up sister."
"No," I retorted. "The nicest thing is to find a brother."
We laughed at each other but I was very much afraid that I would betray my emotion.
He meant so much to me, because I suppose he had come into my life at a time when I was obsessed by Philip's disappearance. I needed help at this time—and it was help which he alone could give me.
We returned to the house in Prinszen Gracht and there was great rejoicing.