And yet the confidence on his face said something different.
Joel shrugged. “Your choice, but eventually you need to get up on a horse, and I see no reason to postpone it any longer. You’ve only got a couple more months before you have to give your final yes or no to the job.”
“I can’t even wait that long. It’s not fair to Karen if I bail at the last minute, and she has to scramble for a new cook.” Vicki fought with herself. He was right, and with all the practice she’d had building up to this moment, there was no reason not to try.
February had come damn fast, though, in the big scheme of things.
By now, she’d waded through enough sheep they really were nothing but walking bundles of fluff. She’d saddled and unsaddled the sawhorse so often she could buckle straps with her eyes shut.
Even spending time around Trigger had been built into her training. Since New Year’s, Joel had introduced one fresh challenge after another. He’d coaxed her from watching him walk the beast in a circle, to having her join them, to finally “helping” hold the lead rope.
Trigger seemed to think the entire exercise rather boring except that at the end of each lesson Joel always pressed a couple bits of carrot or apple slices into Vicki’s hand. The first day she’d been certain she’d end up with missing fingers, but now it was more a case of convincing the stupid oaf there were no extra treats in her pockets, because Trigger didn’t hesitate in sticking his nose where he had no right.
Today Joel upped the ante again. This was no longer leading the creature. He wanted her to get on its back and actually ride.
“Is it safe?” His snort of amusement pissed her off, and she smacked her fist into his chest. “Don’t do that.”
His arms went around her, settling and calming. “It’s okay. It’s more than okay. I’ll stick close beside you, and Trigger isn’t going to do anything to harm you.”
God. “You owe me a big-time reward for this.”
“Oral sex. Until you can’t stand.”
Vicki laughed even as she quickly glanced around the barn. “Damn it, Joel, stop.”
“The oral sex? No way, you’re too delicious. And the sounds you make when you’re coming?” He gave a low growl.
“Stop talking about it out loud,” she whispered.
If past history was any indication, somewhere in the barn, or outside and only moments away from springing around the corner, was bound to be a Coleman.
They had the stupidest luck when it came to being caught fooling around. The last time it had been Matt who’d backed out of the tack room with his eyes averted, huge grin on his face. Vicki’s cheeks flushed at the memory—being bent over the sawhorse and taken from behind had been fun, but she could do without everyone in the family knowing.
Although the fact they were fucking like bunnies was probably a given by this point.
Joel gave her his hand. “Come on, darling. You have big-girl boots, you can do this.”
She nodded and gripped his fingers tighter. Together they walked into the stall where Trigger was chomping the wisp of hay he’d pulled from in front of him. The yellow strawlike bit disappeared an inch at a time.
Vicki concentrated on keeping her breathing even. She had come a long way to be able to get this close to the beast without running in fear.
“You’re doing wonderfully.” Joel rubbed Trigger on the forehead. “Hello, dude. You ready to help take care of someone special for me?”
“Take care of.” Vicki shivered, but kept it under control. “Always sounds as if you’re going to drag me into the yard and bury me.”
“Nah. You’re too good at helping with my chores. No way do I want you gone.”
“Jerk.”
They smiled at each other, and suddenly, things were going to be okay.
They led the horse into the round pen. The motions of saddling him went smoothly, although Vicki stayed back as much as possible. Joel smiled, a knowing grin on his face as he tugged her forward and squeezed her tight. When he guided her to Trigger’s left side and stretched her hand upward to the pommel of the saddle, there was nothing but confidence in his actions. “Just like we’ve done a million times on Goliath.”
Her wooden horse for the win.
Vicki let herself go into auto-mode. Foot in stirrup. Hands on the saddle. With all the practice Joel had made her do, the next motions followed instinctively. She pushed up, lifted her leg over Trigger’s rump and, to her great surprise, ended solidly in position.
She was on a horse. “Fuck.”
Joel laughed, still holding onto Trigger’s halter. “You like it?”
“I’m…no, let’s not go that far.” She wasn’t throwing up, screaming or peeing her pants in terror. She’d take this as a great improvement. “Don’t you dare let go.”
“Wouldn’t dream of it.” He smiled, and she beat down the impulse to tell him exactly what she felt. That expression of pride on his face did something to her. It wasn’t just that he had continued to fulfill their bargain. It was more.
The more than she’d grown to feel wasn’t hers to share. It was driving her crazy, but no way would she make sharing her new emotions a part of this deal. They’d set the boundaries. She wouldn’t cross them.
But would she ever love to be able to say what she’d learned. What was inside screaming to break out. How much she really cared about him. How much being with him had changed her and given her hope.
How much she loved him.
God, she was a stupid twit.
Joel patted Trigger firmly. “You two ready for the next thing?”
The juxtaposition of her thoughts and his comment made her want to cry. Yes, she was ready, for what was never to be…
“Okay.” The word came out a little creaky, but he probably blamed the hesitation on her fears, not on the lump of regret building in her throat.
Joel led Trigger forward slowly, and Vicki worked on releasing the death grip she’d taken on the pommel. Focused on using her thighs to grasp tighter. Her thoughts still raced far faster than Joel paced with the horse.
She was going to get her wish and get the hell out of Rocky. Escape the place that held so many terrible memories and had trapped her. Yet escape meant leaving behind all the good things she’d experienced in the past while.
Sadness coated the pleasure and left her cold inside.
She didn’t think it was all one-sided, either. He liked her as well. Everything about the man said he had some feelings for her—his gentleness and patience. It might have been a verbal deal between them in the start, but it must be more now.
Things had changed. She was sure of it.
Only if she told Joel how she felt, and he admitted this was more than a casual romp between friends? Then what the hell would they do?
She’d run into her mother in the grocery store the other day, and the meeting had left Vicki’s nerves on edge and brittle as Debbie let the accusations fly, cutting remarks that Vicki should be old enough to allow to roll off her back, but couldn’t.
Her sister’s behavior wasn’t any better. Sarah had been caught fooling around with another married man who should have known to keep his zipper up. But the ensuing rush of gossip meant the Hansol name got a fresh whipping through town, and the judgmental glances increased again. The snide remarks. The women who curled themselves protectively around their guys when she and Joel walked into Traders.
As if she’d want their men while holding on to Joel? Stupid bitches.
Still, the actions hurt. Another layer of pain to deal with. Which meant she was back to her dilemma. She could stay in town and continue to be dumped on, and maybe, if she were reading things correctly, she’d get to be with Joel. Or she could make a fresh start somewhere else without her heart.