“Robert didn’t look like an accident.”
“He proved more of a problem. Things got out of hand. You see, he was dipping, him and the cunt. We don’t like dippers, unless maybe it’s with chips and dip.”
Kevin and Moon Crater liked that. Both of them laughed. I figured they didn’t get out much.
“Get him in the chair,” Kevin said.
They were ready for me. The chair was arranged in the middle of the floor. I did have a nice view through a window when Kevin moved out from in front of it, which he did from time to time. I could tell he lied about sampling his product. He had some of it in him right then, and it was giving him a nervous twitch. They put me in the chair and Moon Crater tied my legs and arms to it with rope while Kevin held Moon Crater’s gun on me. When I was good and tied, Kevin said, “Now you got to tell me what you’re up to.”
“You can take a running leap up a donkey’s ass,” I said.
“Oh, that’s not nice,” Kevin said. “Jubil, hold this gun.”
Jubil, aka Moon Crater, took the pistol. Kevin picked up my axe handle. I knew I was going to regret having brought that. He swung it hard against my shins. The pain jumped from my leg to my spine to the base of my brain. For a moment I thought I was going to be sick to my stomach and black out.
“That’s got to hurt,” Kevin said.
“You think,” I said. It wasn’t much, and it wasn’t good, but it was something, even if it sounded as if it were coming from a very small man under a pillow in the corner.
Kevin went over and put the axe handle by the front door. He reached in his pocket and took out a long pocketknife. He flipped it open.
“This house was left to me by my old grandma. It’s not much, but I come here now and then for things. And I got a sentimental spot for it, even if it is starting to go bad. That being the case, what I want to say is, I don’t want to bloody it up, I don’t have to. So, for your sake and mine, you should talk.”
“I talk, you’re just going to let me go?” I said.
“Sure,” Kevin said.
“Bullshit,” I said.
“Okay, you’re right. I’m gonna kill you. But I can make it quick, a cut throat. Nasty to think about, but it gets over quick. Bleeds out good. Robert, I ended up having to shoot him a couple of times. Not so good. He was in pain right up until that last bullet. You, I can make you last a long time with this here knife.”
“So my choice is I talk and you cut my throat, or I don’t talk and you cut on me a while till I do?”
“That’s it,” he said.
Right then, by the window, I saw Leonard’s head go by. I stalled. I said, “So what would you like to know? I might have some answers, long as it doesn’t involve math problems.”
“Okay. First, who the fuck are you?”
I said, “I’m a census collector.”
“That’s going to get you cut,” Kevin said. “I’m going to have to take an ear.”
“Before you do,” I said, “I really need to tell you something.”
“What would that be?” Kevin said.
“Hell is coming,” I said.
At that moment the door burst open, propelled forward by Leonard’s foot. Leonard spied the axe handle, and he had it in his free hand before you could say, “My, is that an axe handle?”
Leonard said, striding forward, “Queer, roughhouse nigger, coming through.”
He stepped forward quick and caught Moon Crater in the teeth with a left-handed swing of the handle. It knocked Moon Crater to the floor, sending the gun spinning away from him.
The light caught the black gleam of Leonard’s close-shaved head, and it danced in his eyes, it danced along the length of the brand-new axe handle. The axe handle cut through the air like a hot knife through butter. When Kevin met the wood there was a sound like someone’s slapping a belt on a leather couch, and then there were teeth and there was enough blood flying out of Kevin’s mouth I was sure Grandma’s house was ruined. It splattered on the wall and on the window, teeth clattered on the floor.
Kevin hit the floor on his belly, dropped the knife. He tried to crawl for it, but Leonard stomped his hand and the axe handle came down again. This time it was a sound more like someone chopping the neck off a turkey with a meat cleaver.
Kevin didn’t move after that lick, but just for good measure, Leonard hit him again. He went over then to Moon Crater, who was trying to get up, and kicked him in the mouth. That dental work Moon Crater already needed was going to cost a lot more now.
When Kevin came awake, he was strapped to the chair where I had been. Leonard was nearby, leaning on the axe handle. I was squatted down in front of Kevin. Moon Crater was still stretched out on the floor. If he wasn’t dead or in a coma, he probably down deep in some part of his being wished he was.
“Howdy,” I said.
“Fuck you,” Kevin said, but it was hard to be sure if that was actually what he said. He was spitting up blood.
“If you leave here,” I said, “and it’s possible, you might want to pick up your teeth, not confusing them with the gems that were in Jubil’s mouth. You might want to put them in a glass of water and freeze them. I hear they can do wonders with knocked-out teeth now.”
“Who are you?” he asked.
“My name is Hap, and this is my brother, Leonard. But you two have already met.”
“Glad to make your fucking acquaintance,” he said.
I stood up, turned to Leonard. “I didn’t think you were coming.”
“I was on my way home when you called. Started driving back two days ago, but I was in a blind spot for the phone. Bottomland. I got your message a little late.”
“Not too late, though.”
I turned back to Kevin. “Kevin,” I said, “you and me, we got to talk, and I got to get some answers, and if I like them, I’m not even going to cut your throat.”
They told us Tillie had been taken by the Gospel Opry guy, Buster Smith, and that Kevin and Moon Crater had helped him take her. She was in an old theater. I knew the theater. I was from Marvel Creek, and when I was growing up I went to many movies there. They had a stage at that theater, a movie screen behind it. They had kid shows and they brought out clowns and jugglers and special entertainment. It was awful and I was always glad when they got off the stage and turned off the light, leaving me with the roaches and a movie.
Leonard didn’t want to leave them with their car, and he decided he didn’t want to fuck it up. He wanted to fuck them up. I don’t like that sort of thing, but, hey, what you gonna do? They started it.
Leonard put them in the trunk of his car, and I followed in mine after he dropped me off. We took them into the river bottoms. Leonard let them out of the trunk. They got out, though neither felt well. Leonard had really laid that axe handle on them. He said, “Thing I’m going to do is break both your legs. One apiece.”
“No need in that, Leonard,” I said.
“I know. I just want to do it.”
“Look now,” said Kevin. “Listen to your friend. We just work for that dickhead. We’re out of it. We hope you get the girl back.”
“Oh, we’ll get her back if she’s to be gotten back,” Leonard said. “But here’s the thing. You were going to kill my friend. Had I not showed up, you would have. So which leg?”
Kevin and Moon Crater looked at me.
“He’s sort of got his mind made up,” I said. “And you were going to kill me.”
“But we’ll die out here if our legs are broke,” Moon Crater said.
“Don’t be so goddamn dramatic,” Leonard said. “You’ll still be able to crawl, maybe find a stick to support yourself or something. Really, it’s not our problem.”
“Which leg?” Leonard said. “Or I choose.”
“Left,” Kevin said. Moon Crater didn’t choose. “But—”
Before Kevin could protest again, Leonard swung that axe handle. It whistled and caught the man on the side of the knee, which is where it’s the weakest. I heard a sound like someone’s breaking a rack of pool balls. Kevin screamed and went down holding his knee.