Fantastic. She’s got big tits and a rich father and she worships the fucking ground I walk on. Keeps telling me I’m the only genuine man in a world full of faggots. All I have to do is look at her and she melts.
Now I know how God feels.
40
Cuernavaca
Dear old Larry,
I’ll bet when you got a letter with all these flashy Mexican stamps on it, the last thing you expected was a letter from your ex. But that’s what this is.
And that’s not the greatest surprise, either.
Lover, you’re not going to believe this. You’re just not going to believe it. But every word of it is true.
I’m not just your ex-wife anymore. I’m also the wife of your best friend. Just five hours ago as I write this, I was married to Steve Adel in a tacky little church a few blocks from where we’re staying.
It’s your fault, of course. That letter you sent me put a bee in little Lisa’s bonnet. I had to find out if Steve was everything you said he was. Kiddo, you didn’t half do him justice! I suppose it’s the height of something or other to praise your husband to your ex-husband, but I have trouble restraining myself, I’m just all bubbly inside.
If I were the type to write obscene letters, like a certain former husband of mine, I could write a scene that would burn out your retinae. But that’s a memory I want to keep to myself. I won’t share it with you or anyone else.
Consider yourself richer to the tune of $850 a month. And consider yourself thanked — without even meaning to, you did me the greatest favor of my life.
41
c/o Gumbino
311½ West 20th St.
New York 10011
August 15
Mr. Roland Davis Caulder, Esq.
Muggsworth, Caulder, Travis & Beale
437 Piper Blvd.
Richmond, Va.
Dear Mr. Caulder:
Permit me to congratulate you on having one less bloodhound in your kennel!
I refer, in my usual chatty way, to the marriage of your daughter Lisa Beth Caulder Clarke to the estimable Stephen Joel Adel of Centre Street, New York. I can honestly say that the news came as no surprise to me, for it seems to me that the union of these two fortunate lovers is not a mere happenstance but the manifestation of some Master Plan.
I’m happy, of course, and my happiness goes beyond the cessation of my obligation to keep your little bloodhound bitch in Alpo. And I trust you too are happy to see the Davis and Caulder lines enriched by that of the famous name of Adel. Surely you, as a breeder of fine dogs, can appreciate the need to introduce an outside bloodline from time to time, and God knows the Davises and Caulders have inbred of late to the point of idiocy.
Look at the bright side, sir. You haven’t gained a son-in-law, you’ve unloaded a daughter.
Unfortunately, this means the end of our personal correspondence. I’m sure this grieves you as much as it grieves me. I trust, though, that we will be able to renew our acquaintance at blessed occasions. For my part, I look forward to seeing you at your grandson’s birth, and, God willing, at his bar mitzvah.
42
From the desk of Clayton Finch, President
Mr. Clayton Finch, Pres.
Whitestone Publications, Inc.
67 West 44th St.
New York 10036
Dear Mr. Finch:
Please forgive my using your stationery. I was going to employ some of my remaining Ronald Rabbit’s stock, but since the business I have at hand is more that of Whitestone than of the lamented magazine, I felt this would be more appropriate. Also, and I say this not to turn your head, it was my feeling that your own personal letterhead might carry more weight with you.
Just yesterday I was reading through a stack of correspondence written over the past couple of months. Old habits never die, or so they say, and my editorial eye quickly realized that there ought to be a market for this material. My first impulse was to offer it for serialization in the forthcoming Rachel Rabbit’s Magazine for Girls and Boys, but I felt the nature of certain passages might prove objectionable in certain backward areas of the country.
At that point, a girl I know suggested that this file might make an extraordinary book. I thought it over and decided she was absolutely right. Of course we would have to change names and addresses around somewhat, but that should present only a minor problem. With that exception, we could present the material exactly as written and call it a novel.
I thought at once of you. My loyalties have never faded despite our periodic differences, Mr. Finch, and we all know that Whitestone’s paperback division, Hardin Books, needs all the help it can get.
I am thus enclosing copies of all correspondence herewith. You will no doubt be familiar with some of this material — indeed, you are the author of some of it — and for that reason, plus my reluctance to deal with underlings, I thought I would submit directly to you rather than to the Hardin editorial department.
I’ll look forward to hearing from you.
LC/rg
Enc.
43
From the desk of Clayton Finch, President
Mr. Laurence Clarke
c/o Gumbino
311½ West 20th Street
New York 10011
Dear Mr. Clarke:
You win. I give up. Contracts follow.
CF/jrp
44
c/o Gumbino
311½ West 20th St.
New York 10011
August 28
Secretary to the President
Whitestone Publications, Inc.
67 West 44th St.
New York 10036
Dear jrp:
You don’t know me, jrp, but there’s something about the way you type a letter that intrigues me. I was wondering if you would possibly be interested...