“I’m not a virgin, you know,” she says.
“That’s really none of my business,” I tell her.
“No, I’ve seen the way you act around me. You think I’m some prude who never does anything crazy.”
On the word crazy, both of her hands go up in the air. Maybe the dish soap will help clean up the bits of peanut butter.
“I think you’re a very nice person who’s having a rough day,” I tell her and help her get her hands under the water. “Maybe you should dial back the drinking, though.”
“Oh, you don’t know,” she says. “I know you stick your dick out and women just come running, but it’s harder for me.”
And now I’m trying not to laugh.
I finish helping her rinse her hands and I shut off the water. The plan was to give her a towel, but she’s decided to use her pants instead.
Close enough.
“Maybe we should get you to bed,” I tell her.
“I’m not tired.”
“Yeah, but I think you should lie down before you fall down. You seriously only had four drinks?”
“Hey, man, four drinks is a lot for me,” she says.
“Oh, I get that.”
“Maybe help me over to the couch?”
“I think that’s a good idea,” I tell her. “I’ll put on a movie for you.”
“You know, Dane,” she starts.
“Do we have any gum in the house?”
“I almost had sex today.”
“That’s wonderful, Leila,” I tell her and help guide her to the couch.
“No,” she laughs. “It’s really not. This guy was so stupid.”
“Yeah, we’ve established that men are stupid. You’re going to want to sit down, now.”
She doesn’t sit so much as she falls onto the couch.
“I was ready, though,” she says. “I wouldn’t say I was really turned on, but I was ready to just get in there and get it over with so I could get back in the game.”
“Sometimes that’s what you need to move on,” I say absently. “So, are you good? Do you want me to put on a movie or something?”
“Dane?”
Deep breath. “Yeah?”
“Do you think I have a big butt?”
“No,” I answer mechanically. I really don’t know why women ask that question anymore. Everyone knows that there’s only one correct answer.
“Oh, come on, you didn’t even look at it,” she says, rolling onto her side.
For a woman trying to show me her ass, this isn’t the most attractive scene.
“Be honest,” she says. “I need to know.”
I chuckle.
“It’s fine,” I tell her. “So, do you want a thriller? Comedy?”
I turn and walk toward the bookcase where she keeps her movies.
“A foreign film?” I ask as I try to decipher the various French, Italian and Swedish titles. “Do you actually speak these languages?” I ask.
“Ja,” she says, “sì, oui.”
“That’s pretty impressive.”
“You never answered my question,” she said.
“What question’s that?” I ask, turning around.
Her knees are on the couch and her upper body is resting against the back. Her pants are pulled down around her knees. She’s wearing underwear, but the way she’s trying to fix it to get the best result isn’t doing much to hide her skin.
“Yeah, I think we should get you to bed,” I tell her, shocked. “This isn’t you right now, Leila.”
“Just tell me if I have a nice butt or a dispropriarportionalately…” she sighs. “Is it too big for my body?” she asks, giving up on the word.
I breathe in and out.
“Fine,” I tell her. “You have a very attractive posterior.”
“Yeah, like I believe it when you say it like that,” she says, laughing through her nose. “That’s not how you talk.”
Drunk or not, she’s hilarious right now, and I can’t help but laugh with her.
“I don’t know,” I tell her. “What do you want me to say? You’re my roommate and—”
“I’m not your roommate right now,” she says. “Just answer the question and I’ll let you go back to whatever it is that you do.”
“Honestly,” I tell her, trying to find that line between looking enough to form an opinion and staring, “it’s pretty perfect. Not too big, not too small. Good curvature.”
I really hope she doesn’t remember any of this.
“Yeah?” she says. “Chad told me that I had a huge butt,” she sputters.
“Why don’t we just get your pants on?” I ask and walk closer to the couch.
“He said a lot of things, actually.”
“Well, I don’t know who this Chad guy is, but he sounds like an asshole,” I tell her. “Now, you’re going to need to turn around so we can pull these up, all right.”
Like a foal or a drunken toddler, she slowly makes her way to her feet, her legs shaking and unsteady beneath her.
She turns around to face me, her pants falling to her ankles.
Sure, I may sleep with a different woman every night, but I’m not completely without respect, so I avert my eyes as best I can as I bend down and pull her pants up.
“I’m such a mess,” she says, starting to cry.
“You’re just drunk,” I tell her. “Once you get some sleep and maybe a bit to eat, you’ll start feeling better.”
I’m still holding her pants up, as zipping or buttoning them would be a bit too familiar as a platonic roommate. She fastens the button and zips herself up, then falls back onto the couch.
“What is the matter with me?” she asks.
“Nothing,” I tell her. “You’ve just had a bit to drink—”
“I’m drunk,” she says. “Yeah, I get that. I mean, why is it that everything has to be so screwed up? My sexually inappropriate boss just told me that there’s an opening at the firm and that they’d love to hire me on permanently, but he looked like he was going to burst a blood vessel by being decent to me for once.”
“Leila,” I tell her. “I know you don’t think so right now, but this will all be better after you’ve had a chance to sleep it off, all right? I’m going to bring you a blanket and put on a movie for you. You can sleep on the couch.”
“I think you’re right,” she says.
“Good, do you want me to grab a blanket from your room, or—”
“No, I mean about what you were saying before. When you said that sleeping with someone is what it takes to move on sometimes. That’s what I was trying to do earlier, but that idiot got in a cab and left me there.”
“He left you?” I ask.
She relays the story and I do my best not to crack a smile.
“Some guys are like that,” I tell her. “People can get weird when they haven’t been with someone for a while.”
“That’s what I’m saying.”
“But do you know what’s going to help even more?”
“Yeah, yeah, sleep and alcohol wearing off and blah, blah, blah,” she answers.
“That’s right,” I tell her. “Do you want me to grab you a blanket?”
“You know Dane,” she says.
“Yeah?”
“Maybe we could, I don’t know.”
I think I know where she’s going with this.
“Let’s talk about it in the morning.”
“You’ve been so nice to me today,” she says. “I always thought you were kind of a jerk, but you’re really taking care of me right now.”
“Leila, I’ve got to level with you.”
“What’s on your mind?” she asks.
I’m not sure whether it’s the guilt from not having told her yet, or if I’m simply trying to change the subject, but I blurt out, “I’m losing my job.”
“What? What happened?”
“Well, let’s just say the place where I work,” I start, trying not to throw the fact that I lied about what I do onto the pile of things I should have told her a while ago, “they’re having some money problems. People just aren’t coming in like they used to. My boss told me that he could keep me on for another month.”
“When did he tell you that?” she asks.
If this conversation’s going to take a bad turn, it’s probably going to be right here.
“About a month ago,” I tell her.
“Oh,” she says.
“Yeah, he hasn’t said anything to me yet, but it’s probably not going to be long. I’ve been putting out my resumé, but I haven’t heard back on any—”