“Gee, thanks,” he says.
“You’re like my brother, Mike. This is too weird. No kiss, the whole thing’s off.”
“Aw, come on,” he whines.
He’s not only whining, but he’s actually pouting: the bottom lip is out and everything. It might be cute if it weren’t so stupid.
“No!” I tell him.
“But mom,” he whines again.
“Yeah, like that makes it better.”
“Fine,” he says, straightening up and speaking normally again. “How about one kiss, thirty seconds—”
“Thirty seconds? Are you insane?”
“What the hell am I going to learn from a peck?”
“I don’t see why it’s such a big deal anyway,” I tell him. “So you’re a bad kisser. It’s not the end of the world.”
“How do you know I’m a bad kisser?” he asks.
“Because of the way you’re acting,” I tell him. “No self-respecting anything would put on such a bitch fest.”
“I’m not bitching,” he says. “I’m just tired of kissing my date good night and getting that look that just says, ‘that’s it? Seriously, I sat through dinner for that?’ It’s humiliating, Leila. Just one kiss, thirty seconds or less and a little bit of tongue—before you throw something, I don’t mean puppy tongue or rim tongue—”
“That’s disgusting.”
“Whatever. I’m talking just a normal amount of tongue as if we were out on a date and I’m trying to convince you with my mouth that your every problem can be solved by my penis. Is that so much to ask?”
“Yes!” I squeal, half in laughter, half in horror. “You’re making this so much worse than I thought it was going to be. I am not kissing you. Next time you walk a date to the door, just put out your hand and give a good, solid handshake. I’ll tell you what: I’ll help you practice that. Everyone needs to know how to give a good handshake.”
“Leila…”
“Seriously, it’s not just good for dates, but it’s good for business.”
I hold out my hand and, when he doesn’t grab it, I place his hand into mine and give it one good shake.
“See?” I ask. “Good pressure, only one up and down motion and release. That’s a good handshake.”
“I shake hands with the best of them,” he says. “I think we both know that.”
“Watch the movie.”
“Leila!”
“Watch the movie!”
He crosses his arms and starts grumbling.
He’s actually sitting there grumbling.
“If I kiss you on your terms, will you shut up and drop the whole thing from here until the end of time?” I ask.
“Yes!”
I sigh and fold my arms.
“Does that mean you’re going to do it?” he asks.
“I don’t know. Can you keep your mouth shut before and after?”
“Of course,” he says. “This is great, Leila, you’re such a—”
“What did I just ask?”
“Oh, right,” he says. “So how do we do this?”
“You really are bad at this,” I tease.
“Shut up,” he says. “I mean, do we stand or do we sit? I’m assuming we’re not going to be rolling around on your bed or anything?”
I can actually feel the reflection of my death stare coming off of Mike’s face.
“That’s a no. Why don’t we just do it here,” he says.
“Don’t say that,” I tell him, covering my ears.
“Don’t say what?”
“Don’t say ‘do it,’ it makes me feel like flies are laying eggs in the back of my throat.”
“Now that’s a good visual for me to start with, kissing you,” he says.
“Shut up, Mike,” I tell him.
“What’s the ruling on hands?” he asks. “Like, where do I—”
“Nowhere near my body,” I tell him. “In fact, you should probably have them behind your back.”
“Behind my back?”
“Just nowhere on my body,” I tell him.
“I was hoping to test out my hair-caressing—”
“Do not finish that sentence,” I interrupt. “I’m already going to need an anti-emetic as it is.”
“Anti what?”
“Something to make me not throw up,” I tell him.
“That’s cold.”
“Whatever. Let’s just do this before I lose my nerve.”
“All right,” he says, moving closer to me on the couch.
He closes his eyes and starts to lean in and without even thinking about it, I naturally move away from him.
He opens his eyes again.
“What?”
“I want you to tell me the rules one more time. I’m not going to listen to any excuses if you cross the line here.”
He rolls his eyes. “One kiss,” he says, “thirty seconds or less—”
“I will be timing it,” I tell him. “There’s a clock on the wall right there, and if we’re coming to thirty and you’re not pulling away and apologizing for badgering me into doing this, I’m going to leave a big red print of my hand across your cheek, got it? Now what are the rest of the rules?”
He sighs. “Thirty seconds, one kiss and a little tongue is permissible, but nothing over the top or down the throat.”
“Where are your hands?”
“Somewhere else,” he says.
“Meaning what?”
“Meaning not on you.”
“That’s right.”
“Can we just do this thing? I’m starting to lose my nerve.”
“If you lost your nerve, I think I’d be pretty okay with that.”
“All right,” he says. “Tell me when to start.”
“No moaning or any other—you know what? Don’t make any sound at all. I don’t even want to hear you breathing.”
“I’ve got it!” Mike says with a laugh.
“All right,” I say, watching the second hand on the clock. “And, go.”
He leans in and our lips meet.
It’s weird, but it’s not terrible, I guess.
What the hell is he doing with his tongue?
I pull back a little, trying to give him the hint, but he doesn’t get it, so I bite his tongue a little.
That gets him to pull back.
Twenty seconds to go.
This is taking forever.
All right, he’s doing a little better, but it’s like he’s trying to say something the way his lips are moving.
I would close my eyes and try to pretend like this is someone other than Mike, but I’m not breaking my gaze at the clock.
Mike tilts his head to the other side and I’m pretty sure that if I had a brother, this is what it would be like to kiss him. This is, in no way, a turn-on.
Ten seconds left.
It’s almost over. The worst is already done, now it’s just a matter of hanging in there for a few more seconds.
Five.
Four.
Three.
A sound from somewhere else in the apartment startles me and I pull away.
Shit. It’s Dane.
He’s standing at the door with the oddest look on his face.
“Dane! When did you get in?” I ask.
“Just a second ago,” he says, clearly having a lot of difficulty pulling the ringing phone from his pocket. “I’m just going to take this outside,” he says and is out the door before I can say anything else.
“Oh crap,” I say, putting my hands on my forehead.
“What?” Mike asks. “So he saw us kissing. What’s the big deal?”
“I don’t know,” I tell him. “He looked like he just walked in on me killing his dog.”
“Does he have a dog?”
“No, he doesn’t—you know what I mean. Things have been pretty weird with us, and I think this is just going to make it worse.”
“Why would this make it worse?” Mike asks.
“I don’t know,” I lie.
The truth is that I’ve wanted to talk to Dane ever since that night when things started getting weird.
I thought my feelings for him were a drunken thing, but the more time that’s passed, the more I find myself watching him and looking forward to him being home, even if we hardly ever talk.
“So?” Mike asks with a cartoonish smile on his face.
“So what?” I ask.
“How was the kiss? Do you have any pointers?”
“The kiss,” I say. “I totally forgot.”
“Great,” Mike says, sinking into his seat. “If I can’t get you to even remember, I’m in trouble.”