He scoffs and shrugs and I would very much like to put my fist through that tissue paper skull of his.
It may sound really odd, given that Leila and I have been roommates for months now, but I don’t know if we’re really in the place, relationship wise, where we should be living together.
“Let’s take every day, one day at a time,” I tell Leila. “Let’s make the most of every moment while you’re here, and when you have to go—”
“That’s it?” she asks. “And when I have to go, that’s it?”
“That’s not what I said,” I tell her. “I don’t want there to ever be a ‘that’s it’ with us.”
“What then?” she asks. “If things go well you’ll move if they don’t you won’t?”
“I don’t know!”
The words come out before I give them any thought. Leila just sits there, startled by the outburst, hurt by the words.
“Okay,” she says. “Okay.”
“I don’t know what to say,” I tell her. “I don’t want you to go.”
“This is a once in a lifetime opportunity for me,” she says.
“So is this,” I respond. “It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity for both of us.”
“Let’s take it day by day then,” she says. “We’ll see how things are going when it comes time for me to move.”
Contrary to all appearances, this is not what I want.
More than anything, I want to just pick up and follow her wherever she wants to go.
Maybe it’s ridiculous that I feel this strongly about a woman with whom I’ve only been in a relationship for a few days, but since I met her, we’ve gotten to know more about each other, and I sure as hell don’t want to miss out on learning everything there is.
That’s what I want, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to happen.
I’m used to the city.
I’m not used to being in a relationship like this—one that lasts longer than just a few good lays.
No matter how much I want to pick up, let Wilks stand on his own two feet—something he’s going to have to learn to do anyway—and stay with Leila, the truth is that I’m scared.
I’m scared and I think she knows it.
Chapter Twenty-One
Stars
Leila
The move is in three days.
I got the apartment I wanted and it’s ready for me to move in and make it my own.
Dane hasn’t said it yet, but I know he’s not going with me.
Rather than spend this last parcel of time together feeling hurt or awkward, though, I’ve decided to make the most out of what time we have left.
There is so much that we haven’t experienced together. We’ve never been on a real date.
I’ve come to realize that we simply don’t have enough to build a solid relationship. But hey, we may as well enjoy it while it lasts.
It’s just after dark. If there are any stars in the sky, the city lights have swallowed them whole. The night is cool, but not cold. Traffic crowds the streets below, but I got used to that constant rush of combustion a long time ago.
I’m sitting on the roof, staring up at the sky, trying my hardest to find any stars at all. After a few false alarms (airplanes,) I finally spot one standing there all alone, its light just barely piercing the city’s brightness.
Isn’t that the way it goes?
My phone rings and I answer it, my eyes still intent on the sky.
“Hello?”
“Come downstairs.”
It’s Dane.
“What’s going on?” I ask.
“Just come downstairs,” he says. “I’ve got a car waiting for you.”
“I’m not really dressed to go out,” I tell him, but he just chuckles.
“Don’t worry about that. It’s just going to be you and me.”
“All right.”
I’ve been waiting for a moment like this, but I’m not sure if what I’m feeling is excitement or anxiety. It’s probably a little bit of both.
I make my way downstairs, but not before stopping by the apartment to check my hair and makeup. For someone who’s given up on an actual love life, I look pretty darn good.
“Oh stop it,” I tell myself aloud. “Quit being a baby and just enjoy the night.”
When I come out of the building, I look for Dane, but don’t see him. There are cars parked out front, as always, but they’re all empty.
My phone rings again.
“Hello?”
“I’m just down the block,” Dane says. “Look to your right. Do you see me?”
It takes a few seconds, but I finally spot him about a hundred yards down the way, waving his hands.
“Yeah,” I tell him. “I got ya.”
I hang up the phone and start walking.
When I come close enough to see the car, I’m a little disappointed. He said he had a car waiting for me. I had just assumed that meant he’d gone all out and gotten a town car or something with a driver.
It’s not the car itself that bothers me, it’s the fact that we won’t be able to focus on each other during the drive, not completely.
After everything that’s gone right over the past few weeks, I know how ungrateful I’m being right now. That said, the foreknowledge of this relationship’s end is more than enough to spoil just about anything.
I really had high hopes for me and Dane.
“Hey there, beautiful,” he says as I approach.
“Hey yourself,” I answer and give him a peck on the lips. “So, what’s the plan for tonight?”
“Well,” he says, “I wanted to do something special for you, but I was having the hardest time figuring out exactly what.”
“And?” I ask, unable to hold back a smile any longer.
“I came up with absolutely nothing,” he says with a laugh. “So, I figured, why not rent a car? That way we can let the evening take us where it will.”
“All right,” I say skeptically. “You do know how to drive, don’t you?”
“Of course I know how to drive,” he says, opening the passenger’s door. “Just fucking get in the car, will you?”
“Yeah, yeah,” I smile.
A minute later and we’re on the road; well, kind of. I don’t know if there’s a game or something, but traffic seems to be extra heavy tonight.
Eventually, we transcend major gridlock and arrive in minor gridlock.
“What kind of music do you like?” he asks.
“I like a little bit of everything,” I tell him.
“Oh, bullshit,” he says. “Everyone says that, but it’s never true.”
“Are you calling me a liar?” I ask, poking him in the ribs.
“No,” he says, “but I am saying you’re full of shit.”
“Pick a station,” he says. “From what I understand, this vehicle is fully equipped with satellite radio, and if you can figure out how to work it, we can listen to whatever you want.”
“I have a feeling you’re going to regret that,” I tell him.
“You know,” he says, “so do I, but I’m pretty sure I’ll survive.”
I’ve never used satellite radio, but it’s not rocket science. I roll through the stations until I land on a death metal song.
I smile and turn up the volume.
“You’re kidding, right?” he asks.
“What?” I tease. “I can’t hear you. I’m too busy rocking out.”
He laughs. “If you can deal with it, I can deal with it,” he says.
He thinks I’m joking.
That misapprehension starts to fade as we go into the second and then third song.
“Do you actually like this stuff?” he asks.
“My brother liked it,” I tell him. “Growing up, he’d always have this stuff blasting from his room. It’s how he and I really became close.”
“I didn’t know you have a brother,” Dane says.
“Yeah,” I tell him. “Whenever one of his favorite bands would come to the state, I was the only twelve year old girl in the crowd. I never really loved it the way he did, but it helps me feel close to him again.”
“Where does he live?” Dane asks.
“He doesn’t,” I answer.
Maybe that was a bit blunt.