ROS: Within limits, of course
GUIL: Certainly within limits.
HAMLET comes down to footlights and regards the audience. The others watch but don't speak. HAMLET clears his throat noisily and spits into the audience. A split second later he claps his hand to his eye and wipes himself. He goes back upstage.
ROS: A compulsion towards philosophical introspection is his chief characteristic, if I may put it like that. It does not mean he is mad. It does not mean he isn't. Very often, it does not mean anything at all. Which May Or may not be a kind of madness.
GUIL: It really boils down to symptoms. Pregnant replies, mystic allusions, mistaken identities, arguing his father is 116 his mother, that sort of thing; intimations of suicide, forgoing of exercise, loss of mirth, hints of claustrophobia not to say delusions of imprisonment; invocations of camels, chameleons, capons, whales, weasels, hawks, handsaws-riddles, quibbles and evasions; amnesia, paranoia, myopia; day-dreaming, hallucinations; stabbing his elders, abusing his parents, insulting his lover, and appearing hatless In public-knock-kneed droop– stockinged and sighing like a love-sick schoolboy, which at his age is coming on a bit strong.
ROS: And talking to himself.
ROS and GUILmove apart together.
Well, where has that got US?
ROS: He's the Player.
GUIL: His play offended the King-
ROS:-offended the King
GUIL: –Who orders his arrest
ROS: –orders his arrest
GUIL: –so he escapes to England
ROS: On the boat to which he meets
GUIL: Guildenstern and Rosencrantz taking Hamlet-
ROS: –who also offended the King –
GUIL: –and killed Polonius
ROS: –offended the King in a variety of ways-
GUIL: –to England. (Pause.) That seems to be it.
ROS jumps up.
ROS: Incidents! All we get is incidents! Dear God, is it too much to expect a little sustained action?
And on the word, the PIRATES attack. That is to say. Noise and shouts and rushing about. "Pirates."' Everyone visible goes frantic. HAMLET draws his sword and rushes downstage. GUIL , ROS and PLAYER draw Swords and rush upstage. Collision. HAMLET turns back up. They turn back down. Collision. By which time there is general panic right upstage. All four charge upstage with ROS , GUIL and
PLAYER (shouting) : At last! To arms! Pirates! Up there! Down there! To my sword's length! Action! All four reach the top, see something they don't like, waver, run for their lives!
downstage: HAMLET , in the lead, leaps into the left barrel. PLAYER leaps into the right barrel. ROS and GUIL leap into the middle barrel. All closing the lids after them. The lights dim to nothing while the sound of fighting continues. The sound fades to nothing. The lights come up. The middle barrel ( ROS 's and GUIL 'S) is Missing. The lid of the right-hand barrel is raised cautiously, the heads Of ROS and GUIL appear. The lid of the other barrel ( HAMLET 'S) is raised. The head of the PLAYER appears. All catch sight of each other and slam down lids. Pause. Lids raised cautiously.
ROS (relief) : They've gone. (He starts to climb out.) That was close. I've never thought quicker.
They are all three out of barrels. GUIL is wary and nervous. ROS is light-headed. The PLAYER is phlegmatic. They note the missing barrel. ROS looks round.
ROS: Where's-?
PLAYER takes off his hat in mourning.
PLAYER: Once more, alone-on our own resources.
GUIL (worried) : What do you mean? Where is he?
PLAYER: Gone.
GUIL: Gone where?
PLAYER: Yes, we were dead lucky there. If that's the word I'm after.
ROS: (not a pick up) : Dead?
PLAYER: Lucky.
ROS (he means) : Is he dead?
PLAYER: Who knows?
GUIL (rattled) : He's not coming back?
PLAYER: Hardly.
ROS: He's dead then. He's dead as far as we're concerned.
PLAYER: Or we are as far as he is. (He goes and sits on the floor to one side.) Not too bad, is it?
GUIL (rattled) : But he can't-we're supposed to be-weve got a letter-we're going to England with a letter for the King
PLAYER: Yes, that much seems certain. I congratulate you on the unambiguity of your situation.
GUIL: But you don't understand-it contains-we've had our instructions-the whole thing's pointless without him.
PLAYER: Pirates could happen to anyone. Just deliver the letter. They'll send ambassadors from England to explain…
GUIL (worked up) : Can't you see-the pirates left us home and high-dry and home-drome- (Furiously.) The pirates left us high and dry!
PLAYER (comforting) : There…
GUIL (near tears) : Nothing will be resolved without him…
PLAYER: There…
GUIL: We need Hamlet for our release!
PLAYER: There!
GUIL: What are we supposed to do?
PLAYER: This.
He turns away, lies down if he likes. ROS and GUIL apart.
ROS: Saved again.
GUIL: Saved for what?
ROS sighs.
ROS: The sun's going down. (Pause.) It’ll be night soon. (Pause.) If that's west. (Pause.) Unless we've-
GUIL (shouts) : Shut up! I'm sick of it! Do you think conversation is going to help us now?
ROS (hurt, desperately ingratiating) : I-I bet you all the money I've got the year of my birth doubled is an odd number.
GUIL (moan) : No-o.
ROS: Your birth!
GUIL Smashes him down.
GUIL (broken) : We've travelled too far, and our momentum taken over; we move idly towards eternity without possibility of reprieve or hope of explanation.
ROS: Be happy-if you're not even happy whats so good about surviving? (He picks himself up.) We'll be all right. I suppose we just go on.
GUIL: Go where?
ROS: To England.
GUIL: England! That's a dead end. I never believed in it anyway.
ROS: All we've got to do is make our report and that'll be that. Surely.
GUIL: I don't believe it-a shore, a harbour, say-and we get off and we stop someone and say-Where's the King?. And he says, Oh, you follow that road there and take the first left and (Furiously.) I dont believe any of it
ROS: It doesn't sound very plausible.
GUIL: And even if we came face to face, what do we say?
ROS: We say-We've arrived!
GUIL (kingly) : And who are you?
ROS: We are Guildenstern and Rosencrantz.
GUIL: Which is which?
ROS: Well, I'm-You're-
GUIL: What's it all about?
ROS: Well, we were bringing Hamlet-but then some pirates-
GUIL: I don't begin to understand. Who are all these people, what's it got to do with me? You turn up out of the blue with some cock and bull story-
ROS (with letter) : We have a letter
GUIL (snatches it, opens it) : A letter-yes-that's true. That's something… a letter… (Reads.) "As England is Denmark's faithful tributary… as love between them like the palm might flourish, etcetera… that on the knowing of this contents, without delay of any kind, should those bearers, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, put to sudden death-"