“I’m okay. Today’s just been…” I shrugged. “Hard. Today’s been hard.”
“I’m sorry,” he said, stalking the room from end to end. He’d been jittery since we’d left the field. Twitching and energized like someone had plugged him into an outlet. “I tried so hard to keep you away from this part of my life, and in the end, you ended up in deeper.”
I set down the cup and grabbed hold of his hand as he passed. “Sorry? You saved my life, Jax. This thing that attacked me at school isn’t going to give up. The car, the cliff, tonight in that field… You made me see the truth. You had my back. Just like always, you had my back…”
The truth about him had thrown me for a loop, but in the end, it didn’t change damn thing. I wasn’t sure what kind of person that made me, and I didn’t care. He might be a demon, at least in part, but he was still the same Jax I’d known my whole life. It hurt when he left, but I did understand it now. He was still the same infuriating, cocky shithead I loved. The one I’d always love.
“I shouldn’t be here.” He looked like he wanted to turn and run, but surprised me by coming closer.
“Because you’re dangerous? Didn’t you hear me? You saved my life. For a guy who’s all supercharged and shit, you don’t have a firm grip on reality, do you?”
He was quiet for a moment. When he did speak, his voice was low and deadly. “Do you think it’s the best idea to piss off a hungry demon?”
I ignored him. “Explain to me how you’re dangerous.” I stood and took another step—the last step—until we were nose to nose. He’d washed away the blood and gore and was standing in front of me as though at any moment he’d bolt. “Is it because you saved my life at the bottom of the river? Or maybe it was because you propelled yourself from the top of a cliff to keep me from getting crushed or drowning. Is that how you’re dangerous?”
He made a noise deep in his throat and tried to back away, but I held tight to his wrist.
“Oh. I know. It’s because you charged a group of demons who were probably going to kill me in some horrible, Hollywood-worthy epic way, and again, saved my life.”
“I want you to hate me,” he said, voice dropping to barely a whisper. “In fact, I need you to.”
So much pain, and all I wanted was to take it away. He’d always been my rock, but I realized in that moment, he was just as fragile as me. “I would do anything for you, Jax—except that. Not ever. I can’t.”
“I can’t control this thing inside me.” His eyes were on mine, but it was almost like he was staring straight through. He brought his hand up, twisting it to the light as a tremor went through him. No hint of the fight remained, but it was like he was staring down at the most vile thing on earth. “I’m covered in blood. My entire life is covered in blood…”
I took his hand and yanked it from the light. Without commenting, I swept my fingers across his cheek and down the line of his jaw. The muscles tightened beneath my touch.
He pulled away and took a step back. “Either you’re too stupid to see the truth, or you have a death wish. The demon inside? I need to feed in order to retain any kind of control.” He stepped forward, drawing himself up. “Did you see how I fed it, Sammy? I inflict pain and misery and violence. I induce fear and rage until there’s nothing else left.”
I stood my ground, refusing to let him see that his words had an effect. “I’m not going to pretend I know what it’s like to be you, or that what I saw tonight wasn’t scary as hell. I won’t stand here and tell you that it’s okay or that I understand what’s going on. I do have faith in you, though. I know the truth, Jax, and I’m not disgusted or angry.” I looked him in the eye. “I’m not afraid of you.”
“You should be. Azi—I—we—I shouldn’t stay. That’s why I need you to be stronger. I need you to hate me. Tell me to get the fuck out.”
I’d only seen him like this once before. When he was fourteen and I was thirteen. Two of the guidance counselors at school had accused him of lighting the locker room on fire. Jax insisted he didn’t do it, even providing an ironclad alibi, but they didn’t care. He was just the easiest to blame.
He took their punishment and accepted blame in the same angry silence people later came to expect from him, but that night he’d broken down. I remembered his voice, so close to breaking. So full of pain. So lost…
“It’s okay.”
He shook his head and stumbled away, strands of dark-brown hair whipping back and forth in his eyes. “It’s not. I shouldn’t be around you for so many reasons, but ever since I killed those fuckers in the field, my head’s been full. Buzzing. Like white noise with a kick.” His head rose and his eyes met mine. “I’ve tried to push you out of my head and out of my life but you just won’t fucking let go!”
He sank to the rug like a stone, head falling forward into his hands as another shudder went through him. I followed him down, urging his face up. “It’s okay,” I repeated.
“Killing those things did something to me. I’ve never killed another demon before. They gave me something extra. Something I don’t normally get from just kicking the shit out of a human.” He didn’t look away.
The torment in his expression was like a vise around my chest, squeezing all the air and leaving nothing but pain.
“It’s like the most amazing high,” he said, his eyes wide. “And I know it’s wrong, but it makes me feel like maybe I could… Just once…”
And he was on me. Warmth engulfed every inch of my body as his large frame covered me. His hands were everywhere. Calloused palms and needy fingers slipping beneath the hem of my shirt and into the waist of my jeans. Rough nails scraping bare skin hard enough to send a jolt of excitement, but not enough to draw blood.
Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew I should put an end to this, at least until things were squared away. But the memory of that earth-shattering kiss in the car earlier was too strong. I wanted to feel that way again. To capture the spark between us and lock it away, safe, from the mess that had taken over our lives.
A trail of volcanic kisses, from the base of my chin and down to my collarbone, stole the thought from my mind. There was so much passion. So much need. This was more than desire. This was a connection. Something we desperately needed right now.
“So perfect,” Jax mumbled into the hollow of my throat. The slightest pinch as his teeth grazed the skin, and I couldn’t help the small noise that escaped my lips. It was more surprise than anything else, but it froze Jax in place. A moment later, a chill rushed the room as I found myself alone on the floor.
He watched me for a second from across the room, the light from the window casting an eerie shadow across his face. In that moment he truly looked demonic. Demonic, but beautiful. Dark and dangerous and breakable all at the same time. “This is—shit. I have to leave.”
I jumped to my feet and crossed the room to where he stood, lingering at the base of the hallway. When he didn’t come closer, I reached for him. “Jax, wait.”
“You don’t know what you’re doing,” he growled. There was a flash of black before he closed his eyes. When he opened them, they were normal again.
I shoved him across the hall and into the adjacent wall. “I think I do.”
Slipping my fingers under the shoulders of his trench coat, I slid the heavy material off. It fell to the floor with an audible plop. Still, he tried to pull away. I wouldn’t let him.
Tracing patterns across his chest, the hard muscle beneath my fingers trembled, our skin separated by nothing more than thin cotton. With a groan, he wound his fingers, shaking with need, into the material of my shirt. His head tilted back against the wall, eyes closed, as his breath quickened.