"You got an invitation to this wedding?"
"Yes, sir! But I guess since Justy and I had that understandin' I alluded to I just figured it must be our wedding and didn't read the thing too close."
Paul managed to avoid smiling only by an heroic effort. Opposite him, Lieutenant Kilgary was clearly biting the inside of her cheek to avoid smiling herself.
Captain Hayes looked down at his data pad for a moment, hiding his expression, then back up at Jacob. "You arrived at the wedding and found out it wasn't your wedding."
"Yes, sir, Captain, and I got sorta ticked off, if you know what I mean. Justy and I had some words. But it wasn't nothin' violent. Not at first. No, sir. I didn't want to hurt anybody, just like I told the judge-"
"The judge? What judge?"
"The one what heard my case on the assault charges and he agreed with me that maybe me being in jail was a bit much-"
"You were in jail?"
"I said I'd been arrested, didn't I, Captain?" Hayes shook his head solemnly. "Oh. Well, yeah. I mean, yes, sir. And that Frank guy threw the first punch-"
"Frank?"
"He's the one what was marrying my girl, sir."
"I see. I don't think she's 'your girl' anymore, Jacob."
"Uh, I guess not, Captain."
"So, you got into a fight."
"Yes, sir. And I was winnin' 'til Justy kicked me in the ankle and that Frank swung some big punch bowl at my head and then I didn't know nothin' more 'til I woke up in the hospital-"
"The hospital?"
Paul couldn't prevent an involuntary spasm of his lips as he fought down a laugh. Lieutenant Kilgary and the two chiefs in the compartment faked brief coughing spells, while Captain Hayes somehow maintained a serious countenance.
"Yes, sir. That's where the sheriff arrested me." Jacob jerked and glanced over toward Sharpe. "Not our sheriff, sir. The one back home."
Hayes leaned forward, resting his arms on the podium even though the gesture was unnecessary in zero gravity. "So, after you went to someone else's wedding you thought was yours and got into a fight with the bride and groom and got sent to the hospital and got arrested and sent to jail, then you saw this judge."
"Yes, sir." Jacob nodded quickly. "And the judge, he agreed that life had treated me pretty damn, uh, pardon me, sir, pretty darn unfair and that maybe I just oughta go back to my ship."
"Well, Seaman Jacob, based on your story so far I have to admit I'd have been inclined to get you out of my town as soon as possible, too. So that's why you were late getting back from leave?"
"No, sir."
Paul clenched his teeth as hard as he could to stifle a laugh, even as he heard a strangled sound from Senior Chief Kowalski.
Captain Hayes ducked his head again, then looked up sternly. "All of that didn't make you late getting back from leave?"
"No, sir. Not directly, sir. You see, I'd taken enough leave for a little honeymoon, but now I didn't need that much time 'cause Justy and I wasn't goin' on a honeymoon." Jacob' face looked troubled. "Well, I guess Justy was."
"But not with you."
"No, sir. Not with me. Anyway, I cashed in my ticket back to base so I could pay my fine."
"The judge fined you?"
"Yes, Captain. I didn't mention that? He was gonna make it more money than that but when he found out that was all I had he was willing to settle for it as long as I left."
Out of Jacob's sight, Sheriff Sharpe seemed to be fighting off convulsions. Captain Hayes nodded, his expression exaggeratedly intent. "How'd you get back to base, then, Jacob?"
"That's what I been tryin' to explain, Captain! One o' Justy's cousins offered me a ride out of town, and damned, uh, darned if he didn't dump me in the middle of nowhere. I started walkin', 'cause I didn't want to be late getting back, but this guy stopped to give me a ride. Then the cops started givin' me a hard time-"
"Cops? What cops?"
"The ones that stopped the guy givin' me the ride, sir. They found all this stuff in the back o' the car and started waving guns around and pushing me onto the ground and searching me all over and I gotta say, Captain, that Master-at-Arms Sharpe there he does searches just like that, too, sometimes and it ain't pleasant at all."
Jacob stopped, looking earnestly at Captain Hayes, who stared back. "Okay, Jacob. The car you hitched a ride in turned out to be carrying drugs. Is that right?"
"Yes, sir."
"You got arrested, again, along with the guy who'd picked you up."
"Yes, sir. And when they found some o' that stuff on my clothes-"
"How'd some of the drugs get on your clothes?"
Jacob flushed and looked toward the deck. "Uh, the guy who picked me up, she wasn't actually a guy. And she was pretty nice and I was kinda… well, I'd been expecting to be with Justy on our honeymoon so I was sorta ramped up, you know."
Captain Hayes stopped to rub his temples. "You got arrested for running drugs."
"Yes, sir. And that was on a Friday afternoon and what with the weekend and runnin' lab tests on me to prove I didn't have none of the stuff in me and straightenin' stuff out and all, it was the middle of next week before they let me go."
"Why didn't they tell the Navy you'd been arrested? That way we'd have known where you were."
"Sir, I didn't want to embarrass the Navy by admittin' I was a sailor!"
"Thank you for thinking of that, Jacob."
"You're welcome, sir." Jacob smiled briefly but quickly turned gloomy. "They found out, anyway. Then there was this, that and some other stuff, and the upshot was the cops there gave me a ride back to the base."
"That was nice of them."
"Well, yes, Captain, but they said the judge — this was a different judge, sir."
"I understand."
"She kinda ordered them to take me back."
"Did she also kinda order you to go with them?"
"Yes, sir. But by the time I got back, I'd missed my ride back to Franklin. The transportation people were pretty unhappy with me, Captain, even when I tried to explain what'd happened."
"Really?"
"It's true, sir! They made me wait for an openin' to get back here and that took another coupla days and that's why I was late, sir."
Captain Hayes massaged his forehead again. "If I understand properly, Seaman Jacob, the Missing Movement charge pertains to being late for your ride back to Franklin, while the Absent Without Leave charge is because missing your ride meant you didn't get back to the ship before your leave expired."
"Uh, yes, sir. In a nutshell, sir."
"Seaman Jacob, have you learned anything from this?"
Jacob nodded sadly. "Have I learned anything? Sir, it'd take me a while to tell you everythin' I learned. Why-"
Hayes held up his hands. "That's all right. Lieutenant Kilgary, want kind of a sailor is Seaman Jacob?"
Kilgary cleared her throat but her voice still had a slightly strangled quality as she spoke. "Seaman Jacob is a decent performer, sir. This is the first time we've had trouble with him."
"Very well." Hayes focused on Jacob again. "I'm going to go easy on you Jacob, but next time you go on leave you might take a friend along to help with the decision-making. Understand?"
"Yes, sir."
"Thirty days restriction. One-half one month's pay forfeit, suspended for six months. Dismissed."
Seaman Jacob grinned with gratitude, saluted, and pulled himself from the compartment. Silence reigned for a moment, until Sharpe closed the hatch again, then Senior Chief Kowalski finally erupted in laughter, followed by Lieutenant Kilgary, Paul, Chief Meyer and Sharpe.
Captain Hayes gave Senior Chief Kowalski a wounded look. "Senior Chief, why the hell'd you do that to me?"
"Sir, to be perfectly honest, sir, the XO and I knew there wasn't no way we could describe that story to you. We felt you deserved the full experience, sir."
"I'm not sure what I did to deserve the full experience. Lieutenant Kilgary, does that guy ever go near anything important?"