“I don’t see why,” Brun said. Uhlis looked at her, a long considering look.
“Even a civilian, Ms. Meager, is expected to abide by the basic courtesies of the class. Please request permission to speak, and identify yourself, before blurting out your ignorance. Better still, listen a little longer and see if you can learn on your own.”
Brun’s neck reddened, and Esmay could see the tension in her shoulders. But she said nothing more, and Uhlis turned to someone else. Esmay could not relax no matter whose behavior was under his harrow; she almost regretted choosing this class, except that Barin was in it.
Esmay’s next class was just down the hall. Barin was there when she came out of the door. “Lieutenant—good to see you again.” His eyes said more. Esmay felt a warm glow, as if she’d stepped into a spotlight.
“Morning, Ensign,” she said, being just as formal. She could feel Vericour’s interested gaze on her back. “Glad to be off old Kos?”
Barin grinned. “They tell me they’ll put me on a line ship after this—assuming I pass all the courses.” In his tone was the confidence of someone who always passed his courses.
“You passed the hardest, back on Kos,” Esmay said seriously. “And Uhlis knows it.”
“I would have preferred things in the opposite order,” Barin said. “Training before performance—though you did the same trick with command, only better.”
Brun appeared suddenly at Esmay’s side. “Hi there—introduce me, Lieutenant Suiza, to this most attractive young ensign. Unless, that is, you’re keeping him for yourself.”
Barin flushed, and Esmay could feel her own ears heating up. With an effort, she forced a smile onto her face and said, “This is Ensign Serrano . . . Ensign, this is Brun Meager.” She didn’t have to give a pedigree; everyone knew it.
“You must be Admiral Serrano’s grandson,” Brun said, practically shoving in front of Esmay. “I heard a lot about you—do you have a few minutes?”
Esmay didn’t—it was time for her next class. She ignored the desperate look Barin gave her and abandoned him to his fate. If he couldn’t handle one dizzy blonde . . .
But she had trouble concentrating on tactics, for the first time in her life. Brun was beautiful, in a way she had never been beautiful, and she had that ability to attract almost anyone. Even Esmay had liked her, in spite of disapproving; it was impossible, it seemed, to stay distant from her. Naturally she would like Barin—charming, handsome, talented—and naturally Barin . . . she yanked her mind back to the lecture, and realized that Vericour had noticed her distraction, which made it even worse.
She made it through class after class, dragging her attention back again and again from the thought of Barin and Brun. If this was what love did, she told herself grimly, no wonder they cautioned officers against it. Back on Kos it had seemed simple: her feeling for Barin made her stronger, more confident, happier—and her performance had soared. But that was the first burst of feeling . . . this was something else, not helpful at all. Was he having the same problem? Would loving her destroy his chances to be the officer he could be? She tried to think what her therapist would have said, but none of the phrases she remembered helped at all.
At the evening meal, she was hunched morosely over her tray when a chair scraped at her side.
“Lieutenant?” It was Barin. She felt something clench and release in her chest.
“Ensign,” she said. She felt like crying; she choked that feeling back. “Barin—how was your first day?”
“Interesting,” Barin said. He was grinning at her in obvious delight. “You’re looking good. When Uhlis started in on me, I wasn’t sure what to do—but then I figured out what he was driving at.”
“I could have clobbered him,” Esmay said, startling herself with the fierceness of that. Hunger returned, and she took a bite of bread as if it were Uhlis’s flesh.
“No—” Barin paused for a spoonful of soup. “He was right, and I did make an interesting demonstration for the class. I would bet they don’t have someone like me in every class—unless they import them especially.” He looked thoughtful a moment. “I wonder if that’s why I got this course. It’s just devious enough—” He shook his head. “But you—I hear you’ve been taking one course on top of another. Are you getting any sleep at all?”
She felt her ears going hot, even though she knew it was an innocent inquiry into her health. “I’m doing fine, as long as I don’t do much but study.”
“Oh, I wasn’t going to interrupt you,” Barin said. “I know this is important to you. I just hoped—”
“I know,” Esmay said, into her roast beef. “I’m just—you know it’s been awhile.”
“Ah.” Barin ate some peas, then something orange that had probably started life in the squash family. “I saw you yesterday, when I came in. Going to some class—seems like you’re getting along well with the other officers.”
“Trying to,” Esmay said. “All that you told me about the difference in cultures—it helps. Though I still catch myself about to apologize or explain far too often.”
“Glad to be of service,” Barin said. “I was going to ask—”
“Well,” said a voice from overhead. “I hoped to find my favorite ensign for a dinner companion, but he’s already engaged—”
Esmay nearly choked; Barin turned. “Hello, Sera Meager . . .”
“Brun. Nobody calls me Sera Meager or Ms. Meager but people who want to keep me from doing things. You don’t mind if I join you, do you? I promise my watchdogs will keep a respectful distance.”
“Of course,” Barin said; he stood while Brun found a seat across from Esmay, exactly where Esmay did not want those clear blue eyes.
“How did the exam go?” Brun asked Esmay, with apparently genuine interest. “Administrative Procedures, wasn’t it? Sounds deadly boring to me. Forms-filling, isn’t it?”
“A bit more than that,” Esmay heard herself say, with unmistakeable coolness in her voice. She cleared her throat and tried again. “Forms-filling is part of it, but then you have the decisions of which form, and to what office it should be sent. Filling it out correctly doesn’t help if you’ve sent the wrong level of form, or sent the right form to the wrong office.”
“Deadly boring. My sympathies. I hope my heckling you that morning didn’t hurt your performance.”
“No,” Esmay said. “I did all right.”
“All right being number one in the class. Don’t hide your light, Lieutenant,” Barin said.
“Good for you,” Brun said. “Though I can’t see you as a forms-filler, I suppose into every life a few forms must fall.”
Esmay could not stay annoyed, not with that combination of interest and goodwill beaming at her from across the table. “I thought it was boring,” she said. “But—it was a requirement.”
“So you topped out. What I’d expect. Are you sure you won’t come into Q-town, the both of you, and celebrate?”
“I can’t,” Esmay said. “The Tactics final is in two days, and our workgroup is studying tonight and tomorrow night.”
“Well, then, Ensign—do you have a final coming up?”
“No, but—”
“Then you can come, surely? If you’re not in Lieutenant Suiza’s Tactics class, then she’s not going to be spending time with you—not that she’d cradle-rob anyway.”
“I’m hardly an infant, Brun,” Barin said, before Esmay could say anything. “But yes, I’ll be your escort . . . since your watchdogs will be along to ensure my good behavior.”
Esmay watched them go with feelings not so much mixed as churned. She did have a Tactics study group meeting, but she had hoped for a few more minutes with Barin, in which she could ask him about his interpretation of the rules governing personal relationships between officers not of the same rank, or in the same chain of command. He had grown up in Fleet; he was used to the rules. If he thought there was nothing wrong, there probably wasn’t anything wrong.