“A… a… star?” She sighed.
That was all he had to say.
“Hey, ugly monster,” came a voice from outside the wardrobe trailer. “You’re needed on the set!”
“I’m coming!” she sang.
And after a few tries, Candace got her fat, scaly head through the doorway. She was ready to begin her movie-star career!
On the other side of town, Perry — aka Agent P — had arrived at the new official headquarters of Doofenshmirtz Evil, Incorporated. Boldly, he crashed through the door, laser gun in hand, ready to foil whatever dastardly plot the evil genius was set to hatch.
“Perry the Platypus!” cried Dr. Doofenshmirtz. “Why do you keep breaking down my doors?” He got up from the easy chair where he’d been sitting quietly reading. “Why don’t you knock first? It’s not even locked!”
He looked around at the door and angrily surveyed the damage. “This time… you’ll pay!” he sneered bitterly.
Perry froze. Then he shrugged and reached for his wallet.
“That’s right,” Dr. D. demanded. “Fork it over.”
Dr. Doofenshmirtz took the bills Perry held out and counted them carefully. “What? Are you kidding me?” he asked, holding up Perry’s cash. He pointed at the splinters of door scattered all over the floor. “That’s not just drywall, you know. It’s solid oak!”
Reluctantly, Perry dug out a few more bills, and the villain quickly grabbed them. “That’s more like it. You can’t just go busting into people’s houses for no reason, you know,” he scolded. “Besides,” he added, “I’ve given up evil to pursue the art of cheesemaking!”
Perry looked at the book Dr. D. had been reading before he was interrupted: The Art of Cheese.
Grinning, Dr. Doofenshmirtz directed Perry’s attention to the other side of his office, where a pedestal displayed a giant wheel of extremely odorous cheese. “Do you like stinky Limburger?” he asked Perry. “It’s a Doofenshmirtz family recipe!” His eyes were wide with craving and pride.
“It’s not ready yet,” he explained. “It still has to age for fifty-eight and a half years.” He looked at his watch. “But — who’s got that kind of time? Which is why,” he went on, a shifty gleam in his eyes, “I created the Age-Accelerator… inator!”
With that, he pulled open a curtain to reveal his newest, most ingenious machine.
Chapter 4
Back at the movie set, the filming of The Curse of the Princess Monster was well under way.
“Okay, Candace,” Phineas called from his director’s chair, “this is a very important scene. It is nothing less than the emotional backbone of the whole film. Oh… and the villagers are coming at you with everything they’ve got.”
Ferb clapped the film board, and the camera began to roll.
Candace peered through her monster head at the tiny city set around her. It looked a lot like the city she’d stomped through that morning in her own backyard.
“Uh, what do you mean, the villagers—” she began to ask.
“Action!” Phineas cried, and a battery of cardboard missiles came shooting at her from off-set.
Candace tried in vain to swat the weapons away.
Next, Phineas shouted, “The air force!” At that, Ferb began firing toy plane after toy plane through the air at her.
“Ugh! Oh! Oh! Hey! Wait!” Candace hollered. This was no “emotional” scene. She waved for her brothers to stop the tape, but it was no use.
“The space armada from the planet Plumbing Supplies!” Phineas ordered. Down from the rafters fell a claw-footed bathtub, a bunch of lead pipes, some sinks, and a toilet bowl.
“Oof!” Candace grunted as the barrage knocked her to the floor. “Ohhh…” That hurt.
“Beautiful!” declared Phineas. “That’s a print!”
Candace tried to stay calm. She was in pain and hated the scene, but at least it was over.
Phineas started to move on to the next scene when one of the Fireside Girl crew members whispered something in his ear.
“Oh.” He winced. “That’s a little embarrassing.” Phineas chuckled as he took the lens cap off the camera. They’d have to film the whole thing all over again!
He picked up his megaphone. “Okay, people,” he called out as Candace fumed. “Nice rehearsal. Let’s take it from the top!”
The next scene had to be easier. Candace was sure of it.
“Wow,” she said as Phineas replaced her monster head with a fancy new headpiece. “Is this banana hat for some cool tropical dance number?”
“We’re trying to come up with some exciting camera angles for the big chase scene,” Phineas explained. Then he pointed offstage to a ravenous-looking primate wearing its own fancy hat. “So we strapped a camera on this starving monkey.”
Candace stared at the hungry animal and glanced at the bananas on her head. Then she ran, screaming, as the monkey chased her off the set.
“Get away! Get away! Get away!” she screeched as she raced away from the beast. After a few minutes, Phineas called off the monkey. Candace stopped and tried to catch her breath.
When the monkey was finally subdued, Phineas chuckled apologetically. “That monkey-cam didn’t work out,” he said. “We’re going to try it with Ferb this time.” He nodded to Ferb, who was wearing the camera on his head.
“Now,” he told Candace as he placed a foot-long ham-and-cheese sandwich in her hands, “take this sandwich and remember, Ferb hasn’t eaten lunch yet.”
Candace’s face froze in fear.
“Hold on tight,” Phineas urged.
Ferb began to charge, and Candace ran for her life.
A little later, Candace was almost glad when she was told to put the monster head back on… but not for very long.
“Okay, in this scene the monster — that’s you,” Phineas said, pointing to Candace, “gets attacked by eight hundred cubic feet of rats, spiders, and snakes!”
Candace looked with disbelief at the three huge crates of vermin poised precariously above her.
“There is no way I’m doing that!” she declared, whipping off her monster head.
“Relax,” said Phineas. He held up one of the snakes and jiggled it in his hand. “They’re made out of rubber.”
“Aahh.” Candace sighed. Thank goodness, she thought. With Phineas, you never knew!
She put her monster head back on and took her mark in the middle of the miniature city.
Suddenly, she screamed as tons of very real rats and spiders suddenly engulfed her.
“Well, the snakes are rubber, anyway,” Phineas said with a snicker.
It was time for the big glamour scene. The monster head was gone, and Candace’s hair and makeup were done perfectly. All she had to do was lie in a real bed, like a real princess, and say the lines she’d always loved.
But Candace should probably have known better than to expect things to go the way she’d hoped.
“Okay, Candace, this is your beauty shot,” Phineas reminded her, and she smiled. “The curse has been lifted and you’re no longer a monster. Now, this scene is all about what the heart wants, but the mind can’t have.” He clapped the film board and nodded. “Take one.”