“Harry spent some quality time with a midget stripper,” I explained.
McGlade held up four fingers. “Four of them. Every single Willy Wonka fantasy I’ve ever had came true last night.”
Phin raised his eyebrow even higher. “You had sex with a midget stripper?”
Harry again held up four fingers. “Four of them.”
“How was it?”
“It was short.”
Both Phin and Harry began to laugh.
The guy in the antique suit walked over and held out his hand.
“Reverend Antwerp Skeezix, pleased to meet you.”
I shook his hand. “Antwerp Skeezix?”
“That’s my Martian name.”
Harry whispered in my ear. “I had a little trouble getting someone to marry us on such short notice, and I found him on the Internet.”
“I’m an ordained Martianology minister,” said Antwerp Skeezix. “Harry and Holly are going to be married in the Church of Martianism. Blorg willing.”
“Is this legal?” I asked Harry.
He shrugged.
Phin played it straight. “I bet the honeymoon cost a fortune.”
“One does not need a rocket ship to visit Mars,” said Reverend Antwerp Skeezix. “Mars is a state of mental awareness, and can be reached with a carefully controlled combination of psychotropic drugs.”
“I bet,” I said.
“Go stand over there, Spaceboy.” McGlade pointed to the garbage can. “We’ll be there in a minute.”
“Blorg is good.” The reverend waddled off.
Phin tapped Harry on the chest. “Are you sure Holly will go for that? Being married by Timothy Leary’s stupid cousin?”
“I have no idea. I don’t even know if she’ll show up. I just want something to make my head quit pounding.”
“I’ve got a gun in the car,” I suggested.
Our witty banter was interrupted by the approach of a taxi. Holly got out of the back, wearing a simple white sleeveless cocktail dress – silk, above the knee, and low cut. White pumps. Her hair up and her makeup perfect. She looked stunning.
The relief on Harry’s face was almost comical. He practically ran to meet her, and after some hugging and kissing they joined us, McGlade’s smile big enough for three people.
“Okay, let’s get this party started. Hey! E.T.! Get your ass over there by those trees.”
Antwerp obediently trotted to where McGlade was pointing. Holly gave me a big hug, and then Phin a big hug. After the hugfest ended, I sidled up to her and we walked to the marriage spot Harry had picked out, between two giant pine trees.
“Everything go okay?” I nudged Holly.
“No charges pressed yet. They took my gun, though. Any chance I’ll get it back? That’s a pricey piece of hardware.”
“If you fill out all the release papers correctly, you should get it back a little after Y3K.”
“Shit. If I’d known that, I would have beat him to death with my bra.”
Harry played dictator, telling us where and how to stand, putting me at his side and Phin at Holly’s side.
“So what do you think, babe?”
“It’s beautiful, Harry. Just perfect. And you look so handsome. Isn’t he handsome, Jack?”
Actually, he looked like Danny DeVito’s interpretation of the Penguin in that Batman movie.
“Handsome,” I said.
Reverend Antwerp Skeezix cleared his throat. “Shall we begin?”
Harry nodded, and Antwerp undid his pants. McGlade grabbed his wrists.
“Hold on there, Starman. We decided to keep our clothes on.”
Antwerp frowned. “No nudity?”
“No nudity.”
The reverend cast a long, sad look at Holly, then zipped up.
“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today, under the eyes of Blorg the Almighty the Second, son of Blorg the Almighty the First, son of Merv the Invincible, to bear witness to the joining of two lives.”
I watched Holly’s face. It stayed serious, even at the mention of the Invincible Merv.
“Do you, Holly Frakes, take Harrison Harold McGlade, to be your lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, until death do you part?”
“I do.”
And damned if she didn’t look happy saying it.
“Do you, Harrison McGlade, take Holly Frakes, to be your lawfully wedded wife, for richer or for-”
“I do,” McGlade interrupted.
“Do you have the rings?”
Harry shook his head. “No rings. Tonight we’re both going out and getting our nipples pierced.”
Reverend Antwerp stared at Holly’s chest and was momentarily at a loss for words, until McGlade kicked him.
“Okay then, by the powers invested in me, by the state of Illinois, and by the planet Mars, I now pronounce you husband and wife.”
McGlade and Holly kissed. Phin and I exchanged a glance like, “That was weird,” and then there was more hugging, including a hug from Reverend Antwerp that a less liberated woman would call a grope.
Then we gathered around one of the rotten picnic tables, Phin and I signed some witness papers, and McGlade gave Antwerp fifty bucks and told him to take off.
“I was hoping for a glass of champagne,” the reverend said.
“Go hope for it somewhere else.”
Antwerp, looking confused, walked back to his car.
“Hurry!” McGlade said. “There’s a wascally wabbit stowing away on your spaceship!”
“Oh, dear!” Antwerp hurried.
Holly dug into Harry’s car, coming out with a large cooler. She set it on the lawn and removed two bottles of champagne, an open carton of orange juice, some plastic cups, and two packages of bologna.
“Harry, this is all you packed for lunch?”
“Ah, shit. I forgot the raspberry Zingers. Sorry, babe. Maybe we can grab a bite somewhere local. In fact, I think I’ve got a take-out menu.”
Harry pulled something out of his pocket. He handed it to Holly, and she squealed.
“Paris! Harry, we’re going to Paris!”
“Plane leaves tonight, cupcake. Which will give us plenty of time to get loaded beforehand. Mix the mimosas, Phin! I’ll pass out the bologna.”
Phin opened the champagne and poured.
The first toast was to Harry and Holly, may they live happily ever after.
The second toast was to Holly, may she stay out of prison.
The third toast was to Phin, whom Harry called his new best friend.
When McGlade raised his glass the fourth time, I was in his sights.
“To the best cop I’ve ever met, a woman who is twice the man I’ll ever be. Jack Daniels.”
The alcohol must have hit him pretty quick, because he was slurring. It must have hit me as well, because McGlade’s words touched me, and when I reached over to pat his shoulder, everything got blurry.
“Something’s wrong.” Phin shook his head, like a dog drying off. He backed away from the table and dropped to his knees.
I stared at Holly. She was staring hard at her plastic glass. Then her eyes rolled up into her head and she fell to the ground.
McGlade reached for her and he also fell over.
Drugged. We’d been drugged.
My thoughts were all scrambled, like a drunken dream, but I knew I had to call for help. My cell phone was in my car. I tried to walk to it, but I couldn’t feel my legs, and every step I took, my car got farther away.
“Jack…”
Phin held out a hand to me, then collapsed face-first onto the ground.
I kept walking, but I forgot where I was going. The car. But why? What was so important about the car?
Sleep. That’s what I needed to do. I needed to sleep.
I fell to my knees. Then to my butt.
This spot looked comfortable. Nice and grassy and comfortable. I could sleep here, no problem.
I laid my head on my arm and curled up my legs.
So nice to finally sleep.
When I closed my eyes, it was to the sound of someone laughing.
CHAPTER 40
“HEY, LADY, YOU okay?”
I’d been having a disturbing dream, where I was tied to a chair at a dinner table and everyone around me was a rotting corpse. When I tried to pull off my ropes, I realized I was dead too, and my blackening flesh began to slide off my bones like BBQ ribs.