His hands ball into fists at his sides and the muscles in his jaw flex, but Levi says nothing. I can hear his heavy breaths, feel the words that are left unspoken hovering between us, and as much as my insides are screaming for a different outcome, we both know how this is going to play out.
My eyes close of their own accord as his hand lifts and the feel of his calloused fingertips traces the side of my face.
I know the instant he walks away from me. The air stirs, growing colder in his wake, and then I hear the faint click of the door as he walks out of my life.
All at once, my heart seizes and my lungs stop functioning. A hiccupping sob rips from my chest and I stumble to the bed, falling down on top of the blankets and curling into myself for I don’t know how long. I don’t know anything anymore. It feels like I’m dying, and right now, I want to. I just want to close my eyes and never wake up so I don’t have to feel this way, so I don’t have to face the horrible truth that, for the second time in my life, a man I love has chosen to walk away.
28
It’s Groundhog’s Day. This is the classic example of life imitating art. I get up, shower, eat, and fend off cameras and questions on my way to work and back, and then barricade myself inside my apartment. Rinse and repeat.
This isn’t a life. Every day it becomes clearer that I can’t raise a child like this. It’s been over a month and there’s no sign of the paparazzi backing off or losing interest. In fact, the more Levi stays away, the more they seem to latch on.
There are all kinds of stories floating around. My personal favorite is that I’m some gold digger that saw a golden opportunity and used Levi to try and jumpstart a career in show business.
As if.
To make matters worse, now that they’re running out of real stories to spin, they’re rehashing old headlines. Just the other day I caught a TMZ clip speculating on whether or not Levi was secretly dating an ex-girlfriend slash model because they were spotted in the same city on the same weekend.
I know for a fact that Levi was there for a radio interview, because I stayed up late to listen to it, but that doesn’t keep the doubt from setting in. Is he still mine?
He calls me every night before bed. Sometimes even in the morning just to say hi. But I’m still upset with him for leaving. It’s not that I don’t understand why he did it. I just don’t think it was necessary. A part of me even feels as if he’s given me the shaft and left me to deal with all the hard parts while he’s off gallivanting around a new city every week. Who knows what he could be up to, who he might be spending his time with.
Do I still have a hold on him? Or am I just kidding myself? Maybe he’s just keeping contact because he feels he has to for the baby.
To say that the distance and the way we parted ways is messing with my head would be an understatement.
At least I have my mom and work to help keep me grounded. Speaking to her a couple times a week, I think, has helped to keep us both sane.
“How are you today?” Mom asks her usual question, making me smile.
Since it’s the weekend, my only plan is to stay in bed all day unless it’s to use the bathroom or get food. I’m not about to tell her that, though. It will just make her worry more than she already does. “I’m good. You?”
“Doing all right. Court was yesterday. David is pushing for a dismissal, but my lawyer is confident that he’s not going to get it. Once the evidence is turned over that he’s been unfaithful throughout our marriage and violated the prenup, the judge will rule in our favor.”
I like how she continues to include me in her fight, as if I have a personal stake in the outcome other than seeing her happy.
“I don’t imagine David will be too thrilled about that.”
Chuckling, Mom says, “No, I don’t suppose he will. Guess he should have thought about that before he married me.”
I laugh because my mom comes off as the mousy type, easily molded. She even had me fooled for a while there, but she is stronger than any of us gave her credit for. Smarter too. I never would have imagined that while she was sun bathing and seemingly turning a blind eye to David’s infidelity, that she was actually formulating a plan to take him down.
“But enough about me,” Mom says, throwing off her worries with nothing more than a shrug of her shoulders. “How are you and Levi doing?”
Immediately, my mood takes a dive. “Well, he’s still running around the country, if that says anything.”
“I’m sorry, honey. I know how much you want him there with you. Is he still keeping in contact?”
“Every day.”
“That’s something. Listen, I know you worry, and you have a right to. This media frenzy can’t be helping any. I see the articles and news reports, too, but I don’t want you putting any stock into them. They live to destroy things, and if you let them, they’ll steal any happiness you two could have had. I don’t want that for you. For either of you.”
“I know.” I sigh. I’ve heard these words before. As much as I want to believe them, it’s a case of easier said than done.
“That boy loves you, Vista,” Mom says softly. “He really does. Most men wouldn’t go through what he is to be with someone unless they were really invested. Just don’t give up on him yet.”
I don’t know how she does it, but it’s almost as if she knows my thoughts. Between the way he left and his refusal to come back, I feel more like an afterthought than a priority, but my mom hasn’t given up hope for us. Every time we speak, she makes sure to renew my hope, too.
I just pray that she’s right. “Yeah,” is the only response I have to give her.
“Well, sweetie, I need to go. I have an appointment for a mani/pedi in an hour. Are you going to be okay?”
“Mom, I’m fine. Go have fun and pamper yourself. You deserve it.”
“So do you. I wish you were here so we could go together.”
“Me, too.” But she’s stuck in Chicago until the divorce is final, and I’m stuck here because…well, everything.
After we hang up, I lay back in bed and stare out the window. It’s a sunny day. I know if I go outside, it will be cool, maybe a little breezy. But I won’t. It’s not worth the cost. So I spend the rest of the day in bed, catching up on shows that I’ve missed throughout the week.
By the late afternoon, I get up to fix some dinner. Since there’s no one to impress with my mad cooking skills, I tear open a packet of Ramen and smash the dried noodles into a bowl, then I fill it with tap water and pop it in the microwave to cook.
Before I have a chance to sit down to eat, the phone rings. I answer it with no small amount of hesitation, never sure who I’ll find on the other end.
“Miss Marquis?”
“Yes?”
“This is Manny from the front desk. There’s a gentleman here to see you by the name of Charles Tanner. Would you like me to send him up?”
I wrack my brain for anyone by that name, but come up with nothing. “Did he say what he wanted?”
“No, ma’am.”
I frown, biting my lip as I struggle to make a decision. I know I shouldn’t entertain a stranger, but having Manny there to supervise makes it safe enough that I don’t need to worry. Decision made, I reply, “Tell him I’ll meet him down there in a few minutes.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
Quickly, I get dressed and pull my hair back in a sloppy bun and slip into a pair of flip flips as I head for the door. I’m missing dinner for this, so this guy had better not be with any kind of press, or I might just throw in the towel and move to Tahiti.
When I walk off the elevator, I make eye contact with Manny and he tips his dark head to the side, indicating where I need to go.
Turning left, I amble toward the double glass doors leading out to the street with caution. Through the tinted glass, I can see a small group of people lingering around. They have cameras around their necks in plain sight. My head shakes in irritated disbelief.