Mazie had long since moved out. I didn’t see her very often. Al told me she had an aunt in Boston she’d grown close with and she visited her once a year. I thought that was good for her. Her sisters had never been so reliable. She was a churchgoer too. Al told me she went to workingman’s mass every Sunday, late at night, or maybe it was early in the morning. While Al didn’t necessarily approve of God, he did approve of the workingman so I remember him telling me that as a point of admiration.
I waved at her sometimes at the theater. But she always seemed busy, and whatever had existed between us once, it was like none of it had happened. I missed her but I guess I didn’t have the right to say that or much of anything to her. It was true that there was a crossover in time between her and Alice. I didn’t tell you that right away because my wife is the one I think of from that time in my life. Mazie wasn’t the girl I was going to marry. Alice was. And some secrets are better left hidden. We don’t need to know everything about everyone. I have to admit I’m a little tired now of you digging up the secrets. Just today, just now. I’m tired.
Vera Sung, former resident, Knickerbocker Village
I did not speak English yet, or only a little bit I did, but not very well. I felt very lonely even though the apartment was crowded. We were happy to be there though, because the Knickerbocker was a special place, well kept and beautiful. And we had many family members in the building, too, so there was always someone to feed us or look after us, which was helpful for my mother after the divorce. But in my apartment there was my mother and four brothers. So, the only girl, even harder.
I was silent for a long time, but I was also a daydreamer and an adventurer. I could climb like a little monkey and I could fit through windows that no one else could. There were many passageways to explore there. There is a basement that connects all the buildings, for example, and side entrances and exits where you can escape undetected. All of this was very helpful later when I began to skip school, and then after that when I started hanging out in the East Village with those bad boys in the leather motorcycle jackets and the tight jeans. Those are good stories. I can tell you those too.
But when I was little I had nowhere in particular I wanted to go but the garden. I liked to listen to all the birds chirping. I would pretend I was Snow White. In my daydreams my brothers were my dwarves. I would hold my hands out and wait for the birds to come land on my shoulders and arms and fingers but they never did. In the early mornings, before anyone in the apartment woke up, that’s what I would do, I would sneak out to the garden and daydream, sing along with the birds.
This is where I found this couple, the older Jewish couple. I had never met them before, but later I learned their names were Rosie and Al. They were sitting next to each other on one of the benches, hidden behind a row of high hedges. It was September, but they were wearing their winter coats because they were old, and old people get cold sometimes. She was snoring loudly, so loudly that I could hear her over the birds. That’s why I had gone over there, to investigate the noise. He was not snoring at all. He had a long gray beard and fisherman’s cap, and he was blue in the face. I had never seen a dead person before but I knew right away that’s what he was.
Suddenly I realized the birds had stopped chirping. I shook the woman awake. I said, “Miss, wake up, wake up.” It was the most I had spoken all year. I was four or five. She finally woke up and I pointed to him and said, “He is sick.” Which was a lie but I could not bring myself to say the real truth. She shrieked, and I ran off, back to my apartment. I heard an ambulance soon, and I watched it all through my window. I told my mother nothing.
Two days later I snuck out of my window again, back down to the garden, and I found the woman, Rosie, on the bench. And now it was her time to be dead, and this was when I began to cry. Once stunned me. Twice wounded me. Now there was no way to hide this information from my mother. Someone had to call the police, and it was she who made that call. She hugged me, and she made all my brothers hug me, one by one. After that morning I talked all the time.
Mazie’s Diary, December 1, 1934
I’m late, I’m pregnant, all of it, all that could happen, it’s true. It’s George’s and no one else’s.
Mazie’s Diary, December 3, 1934
Could I keep it and never tell him is what I’m thinking today. I could move away and he might never know. I never wanted one though. Why would I now?
Mazie’s Diary, December 4, 1934
What if the mattress turns red again? None of us have ever been able to have a baby. All the Phillips girls, our bellies are made of shit.
Mazie’s Diary, December 5, 1934
He loves this Alice. I saw them today together. Across the street from the theater, her in her nurse’s uniform, him in his best suit, her carrying flowers, him with his arm around her, her talking, him nodding. The two of them acting like real people in love. Not like we were. We were just horizontal is all.
Mazie’s Diary, December 6, 1934
I came in last night late, and he was there, too. In the hallway. And now my heart swells for him a little bit more because I can’t have him. His hand was on his door handle and mine was on mine and I thought for a moment I’d tell him the truth, and I know he’d care because he’s an all right fella but what good would it do? It wouldn’t change a thing. It wouldn’t change my mind. It might change his, but not for the right reasons. I don’t need to tell him and he doesn’t need to know.
So we both stood there with our backs to each other and there was all this silence between us and then we both wished each other good night. No glance over the shoulder. Just the best of wishes for a gentle sleep.
Mazie’s Diary, December 7, 1934
Ben was in town on business again. Him with all his meetings, and his high-class suit and now he’s gone gray, too. He looks the same though, just more prestigious. Me, I’m looking older. He gets to look important.
He took me out for a honey bun and a coffee after work. I didn’t mean to tell him I was pregnant. Especially him. But it came out anyway.
I said: The world is all bitched up. Always was, always will be.
He said: Do you really believe that?
I said: No, I guess I don’t.
Ben told me he thought I’d be a great mother, but that I should know children were hard, much harder than he’d imagined. He didn’t know why they didn’t just listen. Why couldn’t they just be quiet when they were told?
He asked what I was going to do and I said I didn’t know but I think I do. What do I need a baby for when I got all those men out there needing me?
He gave me a wonderful hug when he left me. He told me no matter what, he’d always respect me and love me.
I think he might be the best friend I have in the world. Who would have thought? The Captain and me, buddies.
Benjamin Hazzard, Jr.
He talked about her ceaselessly, his famous friend Mazie in the city. She was so special to him there was just absolutely no way he wasn’t sleeping with her. It’s just the way men and women work. I could talk for hours about it but who would want to listen?