[Presenter studio]
[1.00]
Muhammad Jaballah:
‘Tell us about yourself, Farrukh. Where do you come from?’
Contestant (camera pans across):
‘I come from Dugan, in the Tribal Areas.’
Muhammad Jaballah (in vision):
‘Farrukh, in a few moments we are going to ask you a question. Not very hard, but you have to get it right. But first tell us about Dugan.’
Contestant (in shot with presenter):
‘Dugan is a very beautiful village but it has been a little bit exploded. The generator is blown up and the well is filled with sand and stone, and some of the houses have fallen down.’
Muhammad Jaballah (in vision):
‘Farrukh, that’s very sad, and I hope that today you will be able to win some prizes. So now let’s see if you can answer the first question?’
[Theme music]
[Fade to black, then back in vision]
[Presenter studio]
[1.20]
[Dramatic background music]
Muhammad Jaballah (in shot with contestant):
‘Okay, Farrukh, here’s the first question: what animal can cross the desert for ten days without any food or water?’
Contestant (close up):
‘It sounds like a…’
Muhammad Jaballah (close up):
‘Don’t guess now, Farrukh. Don’t say the first thing that conies into your head, otherwise you’ll be on your way back to Dugan with nothing, and we wouldn’t like that now, would we?’
[Audience shots of ‘No!’ and ‘Way to go, Farrukh!’]
Contestant (in shot with presenter):
‘It is a…’
Muhammad Jaballah (close up):
‘Before you answer, Farrukh, have a look at these choices and tell me which of these three possible answers is the correct one.’
[Multiple-choice question]
[00.30]
Male v⁄o:
‘Okay, Farrukh, if you can answer correctly which of these three animals can cross the desert for ten days without food or water, then you will win the first of tonight’s major prizes:
[Graphics]
A. Elephant
B. Ox
C. Camel
Find out what Farrukh thinks the right answer is after the break.’
[COMMERCIAL BREAK]
[Presenter studio]
Muhammad Jaballah (in vision):
‘Farrukh, is the answer A, B, or C? Take your time now.’
[Dramatic music]
Contestant (in close up):
‘Is a…’
Muhammad Jaballah (in close up):
‘Take your time, Farrukh-you don’t want to get this first question wrong. But, give me the right answer and the first of tonight’s fabulous prizes will be yours.’
[Audience applause]
Contestant (close up):
‘…is a camel, no?’
[Audience laughter]
Muhammad Jaballah (in close up):
‘Well done, Farrukh. It’s the right answer! It is a camel!’
[Inflatable camel jogs up and down the dunes]
Muhammad Jaballah (in vision):
‘And here’s the first big prize tonight, Farrukh, and it’s yours to take home with you to Dugan after the show tonight!’
[Audience applause]
[Onscreen picture of a dishwasher]
Contestant (in shot with presenter, shaking hands):
‘Thank you very much, Mr Muhammad, what is this machine?’
Male v⁄o:
‘Farrukh, tonight you have won a dishwasher with fourteen place settings, a six-wash programme, three wash temperatures, a high-grade stainless steel interior, a double waterproof system and a child safety lock. You can load it with porcelain, crystal glasses, bone-handled cutlery and it won’t do the slightest damage. And-there’s a three-year parts and labour warranty.’
[Studio applause]
Muhammad Jaballah (in vision):
‘A big hand for Farrukh. And now let’s welcome our next contestant!’
27
After I had come up with that idea for the TV quiz show, I knew I had been granted an absolutely brilliant insight into how to win the war of hearts and minds in the Middle East. So I took it to the Cabinet. When I say the Cabinet, I mean the three or four of them who would come over and sit in the Terracotta Room at Number 10 on Friday nights unless they got stuck for some reason in the House.
They would sit around with Jay, crack a few bottles of Chardonnay and decide how to run the country. The usual ones were there: Reginald Brown, who was home secretary; Davidson, who ran defence at that time; and the foreign secretary, as he was then, before he became prime minister. Usually James Burden, the chancellor of the exchequer, would also be there.
I had told Jay earlier that I was developing quite an exciting idea which could get us back on the front foot. I wanted to run it past him, and them, and get some feedback before I worked it up into a detailed plan. Jay asked me to join the next Friday evening session. At eight o’clock I knew they would all have arrived and would have had at least one drink, but would still be capable of addressing any subject I brought to them, as I sometimes did. It was the best moment to capture their attention. I went upstairs and knocked on the door, and Jay called to come through.
The five of them were sprawled in armchairs and on sofas, a couple of bottles of white wine half empty on a low table between them. Jay offered me a glass, which I accepted but did not touch. I would have a drink afterwards, when they were patting me on the shoulder and congratulating me on my idea.
‘Gentlemen,’ I said, ‘I’m going to tell you how to win the hearts and minds of the everyday working people of the Middle East without firing another shot.’
I had not given Jay any advance warning of what I was going to say. He trusted me. He knew if I had something to tell them, it would be worth listening to. I often sat in on those sessions anyway, but Jay liked to make it clear I was there by his invitation. Anyway, there they sat around the table, coats off, ties loosened, faces a little flushed from the wine. As I came in they were talking about the Middle East anyway, so it seemed my timing was just about right.
Tell them what you’re going to tell them, tell them, and then tell them what you’ve told them. That’s what my system has always been, and it never fails. So I told them in outline what I was going to tell them, then I gave them a summary of my proposal for a new Voice of Britain channel and went into some of the ideas I had started to develop on programme content. I also told them about an idea for a new easy-to-use credit card for general issue in the Middle East -instant credit approval for anyone who could actually sign their name on a form, backed by all the major British clearing banks and underwritten by the Treasury using money no longer needed for defence. I saw the chancellor and the secretary of state for defence both look up at this, and I knew my message was getting through.
I told them about the low-cost TV sets that would be distributed in the countries we most wanted to extend our influence in, TV sets that would only tune into one channel, Voice of Britain, and the network of transmitters that would beam in the new programmes twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, not forgetting the sabbath. Then I told them about my quiz show, the flagship programme for the channel.
I did my presentation without a laptop or digital projector, without PowerPoint, without charts or notes. People have often said to me that I am at my very best when I speak unaided, straight from the heart. It was one of my better efforts. At the end I said, ‘The total funding requirement for a campaign of this type needs to be properly costed, and of course that has not been done yet. But I am convinced that it would cost just a fraction of what we are spending right now on military operations. And it would deliver ten times, a hundred times, more in terms of getting our messages and values across.’