“You can’t,” she says. “Every time you put yourself out there, it’s dangerous. Things have not changed so much that they won’t care.”
“I love him. I don’t want to hide.”
Suddenly, all of Emmaline’s words make complete sense. She tried to fit in and she was lost, so she changed herself. I was lost too, before Carter and all this news. I keep trying to fit too, but I won’t, because I am not like everyone else. I am different. I’m some part demon, without essence.
Some part related to the demon who killed my family. To the demon who has my powers. I don’t even know how to process that. I do know that my parents’ death, my losing magic, was far from random. It was planned.
“I promise it will be okay,” I say to Gran. I say the words, but even I don’t think I believe them. How will it be okay? I’m a demon. Carter said we were in this together, but I doubt this is what he had in mind. What if he walks away from me when he finds out what I am?
Once Pop was home, I tried to call Carter and he didn’t answer, so I left. I had to get out. The walls were closing in and I couldn’t lose it in front of them. I do what I always do when I’m stressed: I go for a run. The volume is up as loud as it will go. My feet pound the pavement in a dissonant tune with the rock music. Some angry dude is screaming words into my ears that I can’t understand and it’s just me and the noise.
The whole reason any of this has happened all goes back to Azsis. I really want to find him now.
The song ends, another one comes on. I run, not even listening to the words. The words are lies; a story put to music so they sound better.
I know my grandparents were protecting me, like they always do, but they need to learn that I don’t need protection. I need honesty. They knew—or at least suspected—that I had demonic power. They never told me. If they had, everything would’ve been so less complicated. Or more complicated maybe. I don’t even know.
Gran wanted to talk about it some more now, but I couldn’t. What would I tell her?
The sky is graying around me, but I keep going.
The music screams sharp and shrill notes into my ear. I run harder, faster against the wind as the music builds. Carter’s eyes flash in my head. He’s something solid. Carter and me in the alley, the way it feels when his hands are on me, when he’s kissing me and my heart is racing, when he laughs and calls me Pen and does all those annoying things that I hate to love. Carter is solid.
What if he says he doesn’t want me now?
I didn’t want him before, but the thought of losing him is too much. I gasp in air, choking on a sob. My head spins, my heart races, and I have the urge to vomit. I stop quickly, gasping for breath, hunched over. I can’t do this without him, but I don’t want to. Not now.
I pull the earbuds out of my ears and tuck into a clearing between some houses. My phone is all sweaty from being stuffed around my waist, but I pull it out to call him. I have a text from him from an hour ago. He must’ve sent it right after I left the house.
Hope it went well with your gran. Have to go somewhere. Be back in time for our test. I love you.
Defeat fills my chest. If he’s going out, then I have to wait another day to tell him. Our test is tomorrow. It will have to be after that. Sobs pour out of my body and I sink to the earth. I’m a freaking demon! I’m the one thing I’m taught to hate and the only person I want to hold me and reassure me is gone for the night. I’m supposed to be strong—I want to be an Enforcer—but right now, I feel lost.
I give myself five minutes to cry. Then I have to go home and somehow be the Penelope who believes everything will be okay. But this is not going to be okay. Not ever.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
I wake up before my alarm—though “waking up” is the wrong term after my lame excuse for sleep. I got maybe two hours and they were both restless. My mind wouldn’t stop thinking about all the things Gran told me. I’m a demon. My entire family…demon blood.
I check my phone. There’s still nothing else from Carter. My stomach sways at the thought of him, at what will happen when I see him later. In a few hours, we have to take the Partner Final, which we’ll pass because we are the best thing since spray-on butter, and I will start a new chapter of my life. Hopefully, with Carter—if, of course, he doesn’t freak out that I’m a demon. Half demon. Well, one-seventh demon—or something. I’m not a math person.
And I guess if he does, then I’ll at least have passed my test. I can still find my demon, learn more about the Restitution, get my magic back, and put all this behind me.
I really hope he doesn’t freak out. He loves me. That’s enough, a lot more than some portion demonic. Right?
I pull my hair back into a ponytail as someone knocks on the door. Connie stares back at me, her eyes swollen and her cheeks red.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, pulling her into my arms. She just starts sobbing, which is probably not the first time this morning from the state of her. “What happened?” I whisper against her ear.
She shakes her head as we sit down on my bed. I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I know what’s happened. I hope I’m wrong. I hope I’m wrong. I hope I’m wrong.
It’s only a couple minutes before she pulls away, sniffing and apologizing. I grab her hand. Her big eyes focus on me. “I talked to Thomas,” she says softly, “about what Gran told me. About you, us.”
“Oh, Con. I shouldn’t have said it was a good idea to tell him.”
She wanted to tell him the same way I am going to tell Carter. Connie and Thomas have been together for two years, so I think we both thought it would be a good idea. I wanted that to be a good idea, because I want that happy ending so much for Carter and me. For all of us.
She shakes her head. “We talked through it all night. I just got home. He doesn’t…” She pauses, taking in a breath so she doesn’t cry. “He doesn’t think he can risk it. With his family being so—” She waves her hand around the air.
“Hoity-toity?” I supply.
Connie nods. “He swore he wouldn’t tell anyone. Blood oath and all. He said he loved me, but he couldn’t risk his parents’ finding out, for my sake. All of our sakes, I guess.”
I bite my lip. I want to say that he’s covering his own ass. It’s not about Connie or about us. He’s guarding his future, being selfish. But if I hadn’t insisted that Gran tell Connie the truth then she wouldn’t be heartbroken right now. Not everyone needs the truth as much as I do. Maybe I shouldn’t have decided for my sister, but is the dark the best place to be forever? I don’t think so either.
“I’m sorry,” I say.
She shakes her head and stands. “I’m just going to sleep.” She takes about two steps from across the room and looks back at me. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
I watch her go down the hall to her room and once she’s closed the door, I grab my bag and my phone and leave for the Nucleus House. Mostly because I can’t handle the waiting, and because I don’t want to talk to anyone else. Maybe I can get some practice in before the test.
Ric holds the heavy bag as I lay another round of abuse into it. Maple shakes out her hand beside me, taking a break. We have one hour until the testing starts and Carter isn’t here. Carter hasn’t even answered his phone. I’m still upset about Connie, and Ric and Maple are staring at me like some alien life form has taken over my body. I throw another punch.
“What?” I yell at Ric.
He raises an eyebrow, wordlessly scolding me like a child. “You’re wound up, Penelope. You better relax a little, and fast, before you spring loose and take out someone’s eye.”