Why not just tell people whatever story they wanted? Ayane thought. But Yoshitaka had already prepared his friend, Ikai, to serve as a witness. Knowing him, the thoroughness of the whole charade was unsurprising, but Ayane began to suspect that his real intent was to wipe the shadow of Junko from his own past. Yet she never mentioned her suspicions, instead going to the party as requested and playing her part in their theatrical ‘first’ encounter.
After that, their relationship proceeded smoothly. Half a year later, Yoshitaka proposed.
While her happiness was genuine, the doubts in Ayane’s heart grew by the day. Why did Junko commit suicide? What kind of relationship had her friend had with Yoshitaka?
She was torn between a desire to know and the hope that she never found out. Meanwhile, her wedding day drew steadily closer.
And then the day came when Yoshitaka made a startling announcement. Although, she thought to herself later, maybe for him it hadn’t been so startling. He didn’t made a big deal of it at all. He simply said, ‘If we don’t have a child after one year, let’s split up.’
Ayane thought she misheard him. Who would talk about divorce before they even got married?
But when she asked him if he was kidding, he said, ‘It’s just a policy of mine. A one-year limit. If no contraception is used, most couples can have a kid in that time. If we can’t, it’s likely one of us has a problem. And … I had a checkup, and I’m fine.’
Ayane’s skin prickled; she felt her hair standing on end. Staring at him, she asked, ‘Is that what you told Junko?’
‘Huh?’ Yoshitaka’s eyes were swimming. She had never seen him look so taken aback.
‘Please, be honest with me. You were seeing Junko, weren’t you?’
Yoshitaka frowned. But he didn’t try to hide the truth, even though he clearly wasn’t happy about it. ‘I always thought you’d find out sooner than this. I figured either you or Junko would say something about me.’
‘You were seeing us at the same time?’
‘No. It wasn’t like that. By the time I started dating you, I had already broken up with Junko. That’s the truth.’
‘How did you break up with her, exactly?’ Ayane asked her future husband. ‘Did you tell her you could only marry a woman who could bear children? Is that what you said?’
Yoshitaka shrugged. ‘I didn’t use those words, but I guess that’s what it meant. I just told her our time was up.’
‘Excuse me? Your time was “up”?’
‘She was already thirty-four. We weren’t using contraception, but she hadn’t got pregnant. It was time to make a decision.’
‘So you chose me?’
‘Is that so wrong? What’s the point in a relationship with no future potential? I made up my mind a long time ago not to waste my life like that.’
‘Why did you hide this from me until now?’
‘Because I didn’t think you needed to know. I was prepared if you did find out, though. I figured I would just explain it to you then. Ayane, I haven’t betrayed you, and I haven’t lied.’
Ayane turned away from him, looking down at the flowers on the balcony. The pansies caught her eye; Junko’s favourite pansies. She thought about her friend, tears stinging her eyes.
Yoshitaka had cut Junko off, but Junko hadn’t been able to let go. Then, when she met with Ayane, she’d seen the strap on her friend’s mobile phone and realized what was going on. And so she had killed herself – but not before sending a message to Ayane. The arsenic.
Finally Ayane understood. The poison wasn’t Junko’s way of saying she hated her for stealing Yoshitaka. It was a warning:
Someday you’ll be the one who needs this.
Junko had been the only person to whom Ayane could open up, the only one Ayane could tell her worries and dreams. Junko was the only person she had ever told about the birth defect that had rendered her infertile.
She knew he would throw me away someday, just like he threw her away.
‘Have you heard a single word I’ve said?’
She turned back to face him. ‘Yes, everything. How could I not?’
‘You might try answering more quickly, then.’
‘I suppose my mind must’ve wandered.’
‘Oh? That’s not like you.’
‘What you said was surprising, you know.’
‘I find that hard to believe. You should be familiar with my life plan by now.’
Yoshitaka told her his thoughts on marriage. How a marriage without children was meaningless.
‘What are you so upset about, Ayane? You have everything you ever wanted. If there’s something I’ve forgotten, just ask. I intend to do everything I can for you. So let’s just stop all this fussing, and start thinking about the future. Unless you see some other way forward?’
He had absolutely no idea how much damage his words were doing. In retrospect, of course, he was right – in a way. His support had enabled many of her dreams to come to fruition over the year they were together. But how could she look forward to their married life back then, when she knew it would all be over a year after it started?
‘I know it might seem silly to you, but can I ask one question? What about your love for me?’ she asked him. ‘Whatever happened to that?’
Did you dump Junko just because you thought I looked fertile? Do you love me at all? ‘My love for you hasn’t changed a bit,’ he told her then. ‘I can assure you of that. I do still love you.’
Was it true? She had to know. She felt the love and the hatred in her heart tearing her in two, and realized that she would kill for the truth. And so she decided – she would go through with it. She would become this man’s wife, always by his side, holding his fate in her hands, delaying the time of his punishment. She would give him a chance to earn her forgiveness.
She was nervous when she put the arsenous acid into the filtration system, knowing that it meant she could never allow anyone else to be alone in the kitchen. Yet, at the same time, she felt the unmistakable elation of being entirely in control of another’s life.
Whenever Yoshitaka was home, she stayed on the sofa. She even carefully timed her trips to the toilet and bath to times when he was least likely to need anything in the kitchen.
He was kind to her after their wedding, and she had no complaints. As long as his affections for her remained the same, Ayane was determined to not let him near the water filter. Though she hadn’t forgotten what he did to Junko, as long as he never did the same to her, she intended to let him live. For Ayane, marriage meant offering daily salvation to a man standing on the gallows.
Yet a part of her knew that Yoshitaka wouldn’t abandon his desire for children. When she noticed the way he looked at Hiromi, she knew the time had come.
On the night they invited the Ikais over to their house, Yoshitaka had declared his intention to divorce her, his tone businesslike throughout.
‘As I’m sure you realize, we’re almost out of time. I’d like you to get ready to leave.’
Ayane smiled. ‘Then, I have a request first.’
He asked her what it was, and she looked him in the eye and said, ‘I’d like to leave the house for two or three days. I hope you’ll be all right by yourself.’
He shrugged with a smile. ‘That’s not much of a request. Of course I’ll be all right.’
‘Of course,’ Ayane echoed, nodding. Her days of salvation were over.
THIRTY-THREE
The wine bar was in a basement, at the bottom of a long flight of stairs. Utsumi opened the door to see a bar counter and three tables at the back. Kusanagi and Yukawa were sitting at the table on the left.