“Yes, yes, yes!” the bats all screamed.
“Good,” said the first bat tiredly, “Because I didn’t!”
A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn’t improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, “When a musician just can’t handle his instrument and doesn’t improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.”
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: “And if he can’t handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.”
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources[21] person asked a young applicant fresh out of[22] Business School, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”
“About £125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.[23]”
“Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund[24] to 50 % of salary, and a company car leased every two years– say,[25] a red Corvette?[26]”
The applicant sat up straight and said, “Wow![27] Are you kidding?”
And the interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”
As a senior citizen[28] was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!”
“Heck,[29]” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”
As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said:
– I can’t find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it’s due to drinking.
– In that case, – said the patient, – I’ll come back when you’re sober.
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
An admiral is standing by a candy machine at the Naval Academy in Annapolis when he stops a plebe walking by.
– Sailor, do you have change for a pound?
– Sure, buddy, – says the plebe, rooting around his pocket.
– That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again. Do you have change for a pound?
The plebe snaps to attention[30] and barks:
– No, sir!
– My father had two horses that looked so much alike that he measured them so he could tell them apart.
– Did that help?
– It sure did. He found that the white one was 6 inches shorter than the black one.
Man says to God:
“Lord, why did you make woman so beautiful?”
God says, “So you would love her.”
“But Lord,” the man says, “why did you make her so stupid?”
God says, “So she would love you.”
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.
He wrote, “I would like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls.
I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.
Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you’re welcome to stay here, too.”
– Sir! Did you have a good holiday? Did you go away?
– Yes, I went to France, to Paris.
– Did you have much trouble with your French when you were there?
– No, I didn’t– but the Parisians did.
A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.
“Hold it,[31] hold it,” the fellow said to the men. “Can you tell me what’s going on here with this digging?”
“Well, we work for the county government,[32]” one of the men said. “But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You’re not accomplishing anything. Aren’t you wasting the county’s money?”
“You don’t understand, mister,” one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. “Normally there’s three of us, me, Joe and Mike. I dig the hole, Joe sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back.”
“Yea,” piped up Mike. “Now just because Joe is sick, that doesn’t mean we can’t work, does it?”
A husband and wife entered the dentist’s office.
The husband said, “I want a tooth pulled. I don’t want gas or novocain because I’m in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.”
“You’re a brave man,” said the dentist. “Now, show me which tooth it is.”
The husband turns to his wife and says, “Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.”
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“Hunting flies,” he responded.
“Oh… Killed any?” she asked.
“Yep, three males, two females,” he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, “How can you tell?”
He responded, “Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone.”
A kind old gentleman seeing a small boy who was carrying a lot of newspapers under his arm said:
“Don’t all the newspapers make you tired, my boy?”
“No, I don’t read them,” replied the boy.
An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all times.
The engineer chose the wheel, which gave humanity power over space. The physicist chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.
The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols. The mystic chose the thermos bottle.
“Why a thermos bottle?” the others asked. “Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer.”
“Yes – so what?” “Think about it.” said the mystic reverently. “That little bottle – how does it know?”
The general went out to find that none of his GIs[33] were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.[34]
“Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”