Charles shouted upstairs to his wife, “Hurry up or we’ll be late.”
“Oh, be quiet,” replied his wife. “Haven’t I been telling you for the last hour that I’ll be ready in a minute?”
First snake: I hope I’m not poisonous.
Second snake: Why?
First snake: Because I bit my lip!
A man asked for a meal in a restaurant. The waiter brought the food and put it on the table. After a moment, the man called the waiter and said, “Waiter! Waiter! There’s a fly in my soup!”
“Please don’t speak so loudly, sir,” said the waiter, “or everyone will want one.”
What’s the worst thing about washing your cat? Getting the fur off your tongue afterwards.
The woman came to the zoo with her little son. They came to the cage with a mystery big animal in it.
“Look, son, this is a whale,” said the woman.
“I am sorry, but this is a crocodile,” said the man.
“No, this is a whale,” the woman was very stubborn, as a donkey.
During this time the animal crawled on the land.
“As you see, this is a crocodile,” said the man, “the whales never crawl to the land!”
“Nonsense, you see with your own eyes, that sometimes they do it.”
The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence, “I would like to place an order for two mongooses,[65] to be delivered at your earliest convenience.”
He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read, “I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience.”
Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. “Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo should be without a mongoose,” he typed. “Please send us two of them.”
A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and studying the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too.”
The man does not want to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black Labrador.[66] The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.”
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, “£650.”
“£650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaimed the man….
“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you £50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional £600 was for the cat scan and lab[67] tests.”
What is the longest word in the English language? “Smiles”. Because there is a mile between its first and last letters!
There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.
Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.
He opened his own offices with a sign on the door saying, “Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy – Either way, you get your dog back!
What came first, the chicken or the egg?
– I’d have to say it was the rooster!
How do you catch a polar bear?
First, you cut a large, round hole in the ice. Next, you place enough peas around the hole to completely surround the hole. Then, when the polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the icehole.
The boss called one of his employees into the office. “Rob,” he said, “you’ve been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman.[68] Now it’s time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?”
“Thanks,” said the employee.
“Thanks?” the boss replied. “Is that all you can say?”
“I suppose not,” the employee said. “Thanks, Dad.”
The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best book on elephants.
The British submitted a dry historical account “The Elephant and the British Empire”.
The French submitted a text “The Sensuality of the Elephant – a Personal Account”.
The Germans submitted 47 Volumes entitled “An Elementary Introduction to the Foundation of the Science of the Elephant’s Ear”.
The Americans submitted an article from “Money” magazine: “Elephants – the Perfect Tax Shelter”.
Green-Peace submitted a counter-entry “Elephants – they’re better than People”.
But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier “We have no Elephants but wouldn’t you want to buy a Honda instead”.
An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor’s job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.
The human resources manager tells him, “You will be hired at minimum wage of £5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day.”
Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.
To this the manager replies, “You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day.”
The man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having £10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers’ market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than two hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100 % profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost £100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.
During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.
Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.
At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.
65
mongoose – мангуста (обыгрывается образование множественного числа: