‘Yes,’ I said. ‘There is a great difference. My illness has left its mark on me forever.’
He did not deny that he could see the pock mark. I knew that he was straightforward and would never flatter.
All he said was: ‘You were fortunate to recover.’
‘I had expert nursing. My mother was determined that I should get well and so was my maid.’
‘Angelet has told me.’
‘She must have told you a good deal about me.’ I suddenly began to wonder how I appeared to Angelet, how much she knew of me. I believed I understood her through and through. Did she understand me? No, Angelet would never probe into the secret minds of those about her. She saw everything black and white, good and bad. Did she adore her General? I wondered. I thought of them together, making love.
‘She told me about your illness and how you contracted it.’
I thought: She would make me appear a heroine. I wondered if he thought me so. He would not for long. I could see that he was a man it would not be easy to deceive.
‘I am so pleased that you have come. Angelet is a little depressed at this time.’
‘Yes, the miscarriage. How ill was she?’
‘Not seriously, but of course she was disappointed.’
‘As you too must have been.’
‘She will soon be well again. We are living quietly at the moment. My duties have taken me up to the north. The times are somewhat unsettled.’
I did know that. I had always been more interested in political matters than Angelet had.
‘Yes, I understand that there are elements in the country who are not pleased with the manner in which its affairs are being conducted.’
‘Scotland is the trouble at the moment.’
I was glad I had been reading a great deal during my illness. ‘Is the King wrong, do you think, to enforce the use of the prayerbook?’
‘The King is the King,’ he said. ‘He is the ruler and it is the duty of his subjects to accept him as such.’
‘It seems strange,’ I said, ‘that there should be revolt in the very country which nurtured his father.’
‘The Stuarts are Scottish and therefore there are some English who do not care for them. And the Scots complain that the King has become too English. There have been riots up there, and the fact is we do not have enough money to equip the kind of army we need to subdue Scotland.’
‘And this of course gives you great concern and, I doubt not, takes you frequently from home.’
‘Of course a soldier must always be prepared to leave his home.’
‘It seems a pity to quarrel over religion.’
‘Many of the wars in history have been connected with it.’
I tried to talk intelligently about the affairs of the country and managed tolerably well by subtly leaving him to do the talking. All the time I was learning about him. He was not a man given to light conversation, but he was soon telling me about his campaigns in Spain and France, and I listened avidly, not so much because I was interested in the manner in which battles were fought, but because I wanted to know more of him.
We talked for an hour—or rather he did and I listened; and I knew that I had made an impression, for he seemed a little surprised by himself.
He said: ‘How knowledgeable you are of these matters. One rarely meets a woman who is.’
‘I have become knowledgeable tonight,’ I answered; and I did not mean only of the wars in France and Spain.
‘I came to welcome you,’ he said, ‘and to conduct you to Far Flamstead tomorrow. I had no idea that I should pass such an interesting evening. I have enjoyed it.’
‘It is because you find me so much like your wife.’
‘No,’ he said, ‘I find you very different. The only real likeness is in your looks.’
‘We can be told apart … now,’ I said, touching the scar on my cheek.
‘You have honourable battle scars,’ he said. ‘You must wear them boldly.’
‘How can I do otherwise?’
He leaned forward suddenly and said: ‘Let me tell you. They add an interest to your face. I am so pleased that you have come to stay with us and I hope your visit will be of long duration.’
‘You should reserve judgment until you know me better. Sometimes guests in the house can be quite tiresome.’
‘My wife’s sister is not a guest. She is a member of the family and will always be welcome however long she wishes to stay.’
‘That, General, is a rash statement and I should never have believed you guilty of rashness.’
‘How can you know? We have only just met.’
‘But this is no ordinary meeting.’
For a moment we looked full at each other. I believed my eyes were glowing warmly. His were cold. To him I was merely his wife’s sister and he was pleased that I was not unintelligent. That was as far as his cautious mind would take him. But it was not all. No. Perhaps I was more knowledgeable than he was in spite of the difference in our ages. Sometimes I believe that women such as I am are born with knowledge in the matter of this attraction between the sexes. I knew that somewhere, latent perhaps beneath that glacial exterior, there could be passion.
I thought of how I had teased Bastian, how I had withstood temptation with him; and now I knew of course that Bastian had meant nothing to me. I had merely penetrated briefly the edge of discovery.
I said: ‘I have known you through my sister, for you appeared frequently in her letters, so you see you are not a stranger to me. Moreover, my sister and I are twins … identical twins. There is a bond so strong between us that the experiences of one are felt by the other.’
I stood up. He took my hand in his and said earnestly: ‘I hope that you enjoy your stay with us.’
‘I know I shall,’ I assured him.
He conducted me to my room where Phoebe was waiting. She swept a curtsey to the General and I left him at my bedroom door.
I went to the bed and sat down. Phoebe came and unbuttoned my gown.
‘You like the gentleman.’ It was a statement rather than a question.
‘Yes,’ I answered, ‘I like the gentleman.’
‘He was down there alone with you …’
‘And you think that was wrong, do you, Phoebe?’
‘Mistress, ’tis not for me …’
I laughed at her. ‘You concern yourself unduly, Phoebe. The gentleman in question is General Tolworthy, my sister’s husband and therefore my brother-in-law.’
Phoebe looked at me with wide eyes for a few seconds, then she lowered them quickly, but not before I had seen the apprehension there.
I was sure that Phoebe knew that I had had adventures. As a girl who had had her own, she would have noticed that strange elation in me; moreover, she would know what it meant. She may have felt it herself when she lingered in the cornfields with the man who had fathered the child who had been her disgrace and her salvation.
I could not sleep that night. I kept going over our conversation in my mind. His face haunted me: the outline of his features, the fine but well-marked brows, the cold glitter of the blue eyes, the correct manner, the absence of any awareness that I was a woman; and yet … there was something … some little spark of understanding, some rapport that flashed between us.
I reversed our positions. Suppose I had been the one who had come to Carlotta, suppose Angelet had been the one who had caught smallpox. I would have been his wife. Or should I? Why had he chosen her? She told me about her adventure in the streets of London. I could imagine that when he rescued and protected her, her helplessness would have appealed to him. I suppose had my purse been snatched I should have attempted to retrieve it. Suppose then that I had been Angelet and his wife. Angelet would be lying in this bed now coming to stay with me.