The excitement was intense, for when I was in his arms his response was immediate. I don’t think either of us could have turned back then. I had to give myself up to this overpowering desire. I could think of nothing else. I would leave remorse for the morrow.
Exploration in the Night
I AWOKE WITH THE dawn. He was sleeping beside me and the enormity of what I had done swept over me. I was horrified. It could not be true. I had dreamed it.
Quietly I slipped out of the bed, terrified that he would awaken and see me. What could I say to him? How could I explain?
Trembling, I sped across the room and quietly opened the door. I reached the Lavender Room unobserved, but before entering it I looked in at the Blue Room, where Angelet was sleeping peacefully in her poppy-juice sleep.
I went to my bed and lay there.
You have betrayed your sister’s faith in you, I told myself. Then I wondered: Had he known? Was it possible that he could have been deceived?
How young and inexperienced I had been to think that I had reached the heights with Bastian. My intuition in the inn yard had not been false. We were meant for each other.
What would come out of this? I was torn between a certain exultation and desperate shame. How could I ever explain my feelings to anyone? I was in love with him if love was obsession. I wanted to be with him, to talk to him, to discover his needs and supply them, to learn of everything he did and be beside him throughout his life. How could I go into battle with him? I allowed myself to make the most ridiculous images. I saw myself disguised as a soldier in his army. I would go to his camp secretly in the night as I had gone to his bedchamber last night. Always there would be this adventure of loving and possessing.
The room was growing light and fantasies disappeared in the cold brightness of day. What I had done was unforgivable. Knowing my sister had taken a sleeping draught, I had gone to her husband. It was like something out of the Bible. Retribution would follow. I had committed the sin of fornication and induced him to commit adultery without his knowledge. Or was it? How could I know what he was like with Angelet? What had he thought to find his frigid wife changed into a demanding, passionate woman?
He must have known. What would he do now? I could not guess, for the truth was that although I knew he was the one man in the world for me, I did not know him.
Phoebe had come into the room. I saw her startled eyes go to the bed and her relief when she saw me there. She knew. She had betrayed that much. She must have come in and found my bed not slept in. Perhaps she looked in through the night. I need not fear Phoebe. She was there to protect me.
‘It’s a bright morning, Phoebe,’ I said, trying to make my voice sound natural.
‘Yes, mistress, ’tis very bright.’
She had her back to me while she set down the hot water, and I had a fancy that she did not want to look me in the eyes.
‘I trust my sister’s tooth is better,’ I said. ‘It was very bad last night.’
‘I saw Meg on my way in, mistress,’ she said. ‘Mistress Tolworthy be still sleeping.’
‘A peaceful night will have done her the world of good.’
As I dressed I wondered if my appearance had changed. Surely such an experience would have left its mark. What would it be like facing him? I promised myself that I should know as soon as I saw him if he was aware of what had happened. But surely such a straightforward man would have said so.
His response had been immediate. It was like a river that had been blocked up for years and had broken its banks.
He was in the dining-hall seated at the table.
‘Good day,’ I said.
He stood up and bowed. I could not see his eyes.
‘Good day, Bersaba.’
‘It is a fine one.’
‘Indeed, yes.’
‘Poor Angelet has had a return of her toothache. She is resting.’
‘That’s unfortunate,’ he said.
I was afraid to meet his eyes. I took a tankard of ale and some cob bread and cold bacon. I was surprised to find that I was hungry.
‘I shall have to go to Whitehall this morning,’ he said. ‘I shall be leaving within the hour.’
‘Another summons?’ I asked.
‘Yes. These are difficult times.’
‘Will it be a long stay?’
‘I think not. I shall soon be making arrangements for Angelet and you to come with me. I think you would enjoy it. It is rather quiet for you here.’
‘I … am happy here,’ I said. There was a faint tremor in my voice. I could not understand him. His expression was blank. He was not the same man whose bed I had shared such a short while ago.
He cannot know, I told myself, and I felt sick with disappointment. Could he possibly have thought some change had come over Angelet? I wondered what he thought of her leaving his bed without a word. Perhaps he would reason that she had awakened with her toothache and had quietly slipped away for her dose of Mrs Cherry’s cure. That did not seem unlikely. I was sure that he could not have regarded me so dispassionately if he had had the slightest suspicion. And yet … how could it be otherwise? Was I wrong? Was Angelet deceiving me? But why should she? No, I knew enough about these matters and about her to realize that she was frigid and passionless. Then how could he believe a woman would change overnight, and if he had discovered his wife to be so different, how could he tear himself away from her to go to Whitehall? Surely he would have wanted to take her with him?
He was an enigma, and I was no nearer to understanding him than I had been before we had become lovers.
‘You say Angelet is sleeping?’ he asked.
‘Yes. The cure has that effect.’
‘Then I’ll not disturb her. Perhaps you will tell her that I have been called away.’
‘I will do that.’
He rose and bowed to me. ‘Now if you will excuse me, I have certain preparations to make.’
I looked after him in dismay. It was an anticlimax to my passionate adventure.
By the time Angelet awoke he had left. I went into her room and she looked at me drowsily.
‘What a long sleep you’ve had!’ I said. ‘There is no doubt about it, Mrs Cherry’s cure is potent. How is the toothache?’
‘It’s gone.’
‘It’s the sleep that does it. It’s so refreshing. By the way, Richard has been called away.’
‘Oh … to Whitehall?’
‘Yes. I saw him at breakfast. He said he wouldn’t disturb you and asked me to tell you.’
‘How long will he be away?’
‘He wasn’t sure. He talked about our going to Whitehall.’
She sat up in bed. She looked rested and very young and I noticed that there was no swelling on her cheek now.
‘We should, of course,’ she said. ‘I want to find a husband for you.’
‘There speaks the matron,’ I said. ‘Are you so pleased with the state of matrimony that you would see everyone else trapped in it?’
I was watching her closely and I saw the faint flush under her skin. I had done her no harm, I promised myself. I had only taken what she did not want.
‘You should be married,’ she said. ‘Mother will expect it.’
‘I dare say Mother would rather I married someone near home. She won’t want to lose both of us.’
‘She will not want what is happier for her but for you. You will make a more suitable match here and I think she would like us to be together.’
I wondered if she would if she knew. Dear Mother, whose love had run so smoothly. How horrified she would be if she knew what had happened last night.
‘Is that what you want, Angel?’
‘You know it is. I feel part of me is missing when you’re not here.’