‘Yes, we are very close together, are we not? We are like one person.’
‘It’s true, and it’s right that we should be together. I hope you will marry someone from the Court. It will have to be a grand marriage for you, Bersaba. You always wanted the best.’
‘It will have to be as grand as yours.’
‘Oh, grander. You always had to score, didn’t you? You always thought you would marry first.’
‘You had the start while I was laid low.’ I lifted my fringe. ‘And look at me now.’
‘It doesn’t detract from your looks … really it doesn’t. It makes you more interesting, and when you think how you got them …’
‘I can’t live on that glory for ever,’ I said sharply. ‘It never matters how one acquires scars. All the world sees is that they are there.’
‘Richard said we must have a husband worthy of you.’
‘Did he? When?’
‘Some time ago. He has a great regard for you, Bersaba. He said you would be a help to a husband. You’re clever, he said. You should marry some official at Court. He said you would be a mistress of intrigue … yes, that’s what he said.’
‘Did he indeed!’
‘Oh, he said it most kindly. He really has great respect for you. I know he wants to get us to Whitehall so that he can find a good husband for you.’
‘It is kind of him to be so considerate,’ I said coldly.
And I was thinking: He didn’t know. He couldn’t. Yet how could he not?
He stayed in Whitehall for a week. Was it army affairs or was it because he knew and did not want to come back to this bizarre situation?
I should go away, of course. It was right that I should. But I longed to see him again. At one stage I almost felt that I would go to him and try to explain what I felt. I must somehow bring an end to this intolerable state of affairs. I was dreadfully uneasy about Angelet and could not bear to contemplate what her horror would be if she knew what had happened. She would never understand. I kept thinking of that smile of relief on her lips as she slept after she had taken her dose and escaped her obligations. Then I could find some consolation in the reminder that I had only taken what she did not want—and indeed had feared. But I could not be truly consoled.
I suggested that Angelet and I ride over to the Longridge Farm. We did and were made very welcome there. Luke took us into his study and read some of his pamphlets to us. I found them interesting because they gave me such an insight into the man’s character. He was such a fierce reformer; he was deeply religious and believed that the King, in setting himself up as the ruler by divine right, was comparing himself with God. He talked with vehemence about the extravagance of the Court and the wickedness of the Queen, whose aim was clearly to introduce Catholicism to the country.
‘It is something we shall never have,’ he cried, striking the table with his clenched fist, and I could imagine his preaching to a crowd.
I was fascinated by his doctrines to a certain extent, but more so by him. He was a Puritan who believed that life should be lived in the utmost simplicity; he scorned our gold and jewelled ornaments, our blue cloaks with their silken lining; yet at the same time I could see that he admired this finery in a way. I knew too that I interested him. When he talked his eyes never left my face, and although my thoughts were full of Richard and yearned for him, I could not help but be pleased by this man’s admiration, particularly because it was grudging and he could not help being aware of this innate sensuality of mine, even though he fought against recognizing it. It was the essence of femininity in me which appealed to the masculinity in him. It was something nature had given me and which nothing could destroy.
When we rode out from the farmhouse I felt elated.
Angelet said: ‘There is no doubt that Luke Longridge is taken with you.’
‘Oh, come,’ I said, ‘you are not still husband hunting.’
‘Indeed not there,’ she replied, laughing. ‘I cannot see you mistress of a farmhouse … and a Puritan one. You are far too vain and fond of finery. All the same, he found it hard to take his eyes from you.’
‘That is because you are a married woman and I am single.’
‘No, it was something else. I think Ella saw it. She was a little uneasy. She need not have worried, I am sure.’
‘I too am sure,’ I said, laughing.
And so we rode back to Far Flamstead, which was dreary and unwelcoming because Richard was not there.
Richard returned to the house, and I wondered how I could endure the days when I might come upon him at any moment and the long evenings when Angelet sat with her tapestry frame or her embroidery and he and I sat opposite each other with the small chess-table between us. Sometimes I would find his eyes upon me and I would look up quickly to catch him gazing at me, but I could not read his thoughts. He might have been assessing my possibilities in the marriage market.
Once I said to him: ‘Are you still contemplating marrying me off?’
‘Your marriage is a matter to which we must give some thought,’ he replied.
‘And we have, Bersaba,’ cried Angelet. ‘I assure you we have. Haven’t we, Richard?’
He bowed his head in assent.
‘It is good of you to give me so much of your attention. Angelet did not seek a husband. Fate brought him to her. I should like it to happen to me that way.’
‘That’s stupid,’ said Angelet. ‘If she stays here she will never meet anyone, will she, Richard?’
I wondered whether he liked the manner in which she referred everything to him. I supposed he did, since it showed she was the meek and docile wife.
‘I am content here,’ I said, looking at him.
I saw his lips lift slightly, which meant he was pleased.
‘Nevertheless, Bersaba, it would not be fair to you. I will arrange something.’
I gave my attention, to the chess, for I could not bear to hear him talk as though he would not be deeply affected if I went.
I went to my room. I knew I would be unable to sleep for thinking of what I had done. I wondered what my mother would say if she ever heard of it. She would make excuses for me, I did not doubt, but secretly she would be so shocked that she would never recover from it. She loved my father singlemindedly, I knew, but if he had married someone else she would have turned away from him and been prepared to live a life of regret—possibly unmarried, possibly with a second best.
People like my mother who were fundamentally good would never understand the overwhelming temptations which came to people like myself. I could be strong, but this need within me—which I had felt for Bastian—was something which, when it was at its full, obliterated everything.
Next day I rode over to the Longridge Farm where I was greeted by Ella. Her brother was out on farm business, she told me.
How neat and prim she looked in her plain grey gown and white apron. I wondered what she would say if she knew of my wickedness. She probably would not receive me here, for Puritans, living such pure lives themselves, were apt to be very harsh on the sins of others.
She talked for a while about the virtues of her brother and how she feared that he might be overbold. Terrible things could happen to those who wrote what was called sedition and was in fact truth.
‘I always remember hearing of Dr Leighton, a Scotsman who wrote An Appeal to the Parliament; or a Plea against Papacy. He was publicly whipped on two occasions and stood for two hours in the pillory. His ears were cut off, his nostrils slit and his cheek was branded with the letters S.S. which stood for Sower of Sedition.’
I shivered. ‘Your brother must not run those risks.’
‘Do you think he will listen to me?’
‘I doubt it. It is so with martyrs. They never listen to those who would preserve them.’