I was aware of Angelet’s relief at his departure. Much as she admired him and, as she would say, loved him, she was happier when he was away and the burden of her duty could be cast aside.
She regretted the fact that she had lost her child which would, she once said, ‘have made up for everything’. I pinned her down then and boldly said: ‘Which means that you dread the nights in the big bed, is that it?’
‘How crudely you put it, Bersaba,’ she said, ‘and considering you are not married yourself and know nothing of these things, how can you talk about it?’
‘There are some things a spinster can understand,’ I retorted.
‘You won’t be a spinster long and then you will know for yourself.’
‘The point is,’ I replied, ‘you want the babies, you’ll endure the discomfort of pregnancy, but you dislike the initial necessity.’
She blushed and said: ‘Y … yes. I wish it didn’t have to happen like that.’
That was enough.
She spent her nights in the Blue Room. Her excuse was that she liked to be near me because it reminded her of old times.
‘Why, if we left our doors open we could talk to each other,’ she said wistfully.
It was an excuse to escape the big four-poster in the room they shared, and she wanted to forget its existence as she could in the peace of the Blue Room.
So we went on with the dull life which was so because Richard was not there, and we talked of him now and then and wondered how he was faring.
‘There is so much trouble nowadays,’ said Angelet, secretly hoping that while it did not become awkward it would keep Richard away from Flamstead for a while.
‘Let us hope that these matters are soon settled,’ I replied, fervently meaning it so that he would come back to us.
We went over to Longridge Farm once or twice and were made very welcome. When Luke was there he always singled me out and talked to me. He was always intrigued by my views on any subject and I had to admit that I enjoyed our talks; they were a substitute in a way for my aching desire for Richard. I was aware that he was falling in love with me and that he was a little disturbed by those longings which I knew so well how to arouse in him. I didn’t spare him either. I wanted to prove his theories wrong. I wanted to show him that he would be as eager to partake of the pleasures of life as I would.
There were days when the rain fell continuously and the house seemed gloomy. Hallowe’en came and we talked of Carlotta and wondered how she was faring now. I remembered how I had hated her and wanted to kill her—or someone else to kill her for me—and how at the last minute I had saved her. That showed me that I who thought I knew so much about other people did not even know myself.
I remember the last day in October very well. Perhaps I felt restless because there was so much mist in the air and it blotted out that landscape, so that even I accepted the fact that it would be unwise to go out riding.
In the afternoon I went to the bedchamber and looked at the bed and in a moment of folly I lay on it, after having pulled the bedcurtains. I thought then of the night I had spent there and tried to relive every minute of it again and to recall what he had said, and what I had replied. We had spoken little. There had been no need for words and I had to bear constantly in mind that I was supposed to be my sister.
And then suddenly I heard a movement outside the curtains. The slight click of the door, a soft footstep. Someone was in the room.
The first thought which flashed into my mind was: He has come back.
He would find me lying on this bed and he would know then what he had suspected … for suspect he must have.
But there was no escape. If someone was in this room, and that someone pulled aside the bedcurtains, I must be seen.
I could hear my heartbeats. I lay there waiting … and then the curtains were pulled back and Angelet was looking down on me.
‘Bersaba! What are you doing?’
I sat up on one elbow.
‘Oh, I was just wondering what it was like to … to sleep here.’
‘Whatever for?’
‘Well, you sleep here … sometimes, don’t you?’
‘Well, naturally I do.’
‘I just wanted to see, that’s all.’
‘I knew someone was here,’ she said. ‘For a moment I thought …’
‘That Richard had come back?’ I asked.
‘Y … yes.’
‘You look relieved.’
‘Bersaba, what a thing to say!’
‘Well, it’s true, isn’t it?’
I was laughing now—I felt like an observer outside the scene. This was typical of us. I was caught in an awkward situation and I turned the tables promptly and placed my sister in it.
‘You’ve guessed, I know, that I don’t like—’ she waved her hands—‘all that … I know it goes with marriage and has to be accepted.’
I jumped off the bed.
‘Well, now I know what it’s like to sleep there. Cheer up, Angelet. The Blue Room is very nice … and peaceful, and I am in the next room.’
She turned to me and hugged me.
‘I’m so glad you’re here, Bersaba.’
‘So am I,’ I answered.
And arm-in-arm we went out of the room.
This helped to placate my conscience a little. All I had done was save Angelet from what she disliked and in doing so I had pleased myself and Richard. I had flown in the face of convention; I had committed sins and forced Richard to do the same … very well, that was admitted; but it had not brought ill to everyone.
I wasn’t easy in my mind, of course. I knew what I had done and it was no use my advising others to face the truth if I didn’t face it myself.
That night when I had said goodnight to my sister and lay in my bed I could not sleep, because I kept going over that moment when Angelet had found me on the bed; and from there my thoughts went to Carlotta and how I had tried to stir up people against her. There was no doubt that I was a very sinful person. Then I wondered what Luke Longridge would say if I ever told him of all the sins I had committed. He would despise me of course and probably forbid me to enter his farmhouse where I might contaminate his sister. I think I should have enjoyed luring him on to some indiscretion to prove that none of us was as good as we thought ourselves to be and that those who wore the cloak of virtue so ostentatiously might well be the ones who had most to hide.
I don’t know why I thought about Luke Longridge. There was only one man who interested me. I wanted to be with him so much; I wanted to make him admit that he knew that I had come to him at night; I wanted him to scheme with me as I used to scheme with Bastian. I wanted to hear his voice saying impatiently ‘When, when, where?’ as Bastian used to.
And yet I could still think of Luke Longridge.
As I lay there sleepless I fancied I heard strange noises in the house.
Boards creak, I told myself. It is nothing.
Suddenly there was a violent noise as though a great cauldron had been thrown across the room. I fancied it was coming from the direction of the kitchen. I got out of bed and wrapped a robe around me.
I went to the stairs and listened. That was a sound of scuffling … Someone was in the kitchen. Undoubtedly something was going on down there.
Angelet had come out of her room. She gave a cry of relief when she saw me.
‘What is it, Bersaba? I heard … noises …’
‘Something is happening down there,’ I said. ‘Let’s go and see.’
I called out: ‘Who’s there? What is it?’