I moved like a robot, mechanically folding my clothes, putting my toothbrush on the shelf above the basin, staring through the window at the bourgeois façades of the quiet street. What the hell are you doing? whispered an inner voice I had tried to ignore all day. Are you crazy, are you really going to go through with this? I hadn’t told anyone about my final decision. No one at all, apart from Bertrand. I did not want to think about his blissful smile when I told him I’d do it, the way he had pulled me close, kissing the top of my head with unrestrained fervor.
I sat on the narrow bed and took the Sarah file out of my bag. Sarah was the only person I could bear thinking about right now. Finding her felt like a sacred mission, felt like the only possible way to keep my head up, to dispel the sadness in which my life had become immersed. Finding her, yes, but how? There was no Sarah Dufaure or Sarah Starzynski in the phone book. That would have been too easy. The address on Jules Dufaure’s letters was no longer in use. So I had decided to trace his children, or grandchildren, the young men in the Trouville photograph: Gaspard and Nicolas Dufaure, men who would be in their mid-sixties or early seventies, I guessed.
Unfortunately Dufaure was a common name. There were hundreds of them in the Orléans area. That meant phoning each one of them. I had worked at it hard in the past week, spent hours on the Internet, poring over phone books, making endless calls, and then facing disappointing dead ends.
And then, that very morning, I had spoken to a Nathalie Dufaure whose number had been listed in Paris. A young, joyful voice had answered me. I went into the usual routine, repeated what I had said over and over again to strangers on the other end of the line: “My name is Julia Jarmond, I’m a journalist, I’m trying to trace a Sarah Dufaure, born in 1932, the only names I have are Gaspard and Nicolas Dufaure-”
She interrupted me, Yes, Gaspard Dufaure was her grandfather. He lived in Aschères-le-Marché, just outside Orléans. He had an unlisted number. I held on to the receiver, breathless. I asked Nathalie if she remembered Sarah Dufaure at all. The young woman laughed. It was a nice laugh. She explained that she was born in 1982, and she didn’t know much about her grandfather’s childhood. No, she had not heard of Sarah Dufaure. At least, she didn’t remember anything specific. She could call her grandfather if I liked. He was a gruff fellow, he didn’t like the telephone, but she could do it and get back to me. She asked for my number. Then she said: “Are you American? I love your accent.”
I had waited for her call all day. Nothing. I kept checking my mobile, making sure the batteries were charged, that it was turned on properly. Still nothing. Maybe Gaspard Dufaure was not interested in talking to a journalist about Sarah. Maybe I had not been persuasive enough. Maybe I had been too persuasive. Maybe I shouldn’t have said I was a journalist. I should have said a friend of the family. But no, I couldn’t say that. It wasn’t true. I couldn’t lie. I didn’t want to.
Aschères-le-Marché. I had looked it up on a map. A small village halfway between Orléans and Pithiviers, the sister camp to Beaune-la-Rolande, not far away, either. It was not Jules and Geneviève’s old address. So it had not been where Sarah had spent ten years of her life.
I grew impatient. Should I call Nathalie Dufaure back? As I was toying with the idea, the mobile rang. I grabbed it, breathed, “Allô?” It was my husband, calling from Brussels. I felt disappointment jab my nerves.
I realized I did not want to talk to Bertrand. What could I say to him?
THE NIGHT HAD BEEN brief and restless. At dawn, a matronly nurse had appeared, a folded blue paper gown in her arms. I would be needing it for “the operation.” She smiled. There was also a blue paper bonnet and blue paper shoes. She would come back in half an hour, and I’d be wheeled straight to the operation room. She reminded me, still with the same hearty smile, that I was not allowed to drink or eat anything because of the anesthesia. She left, closing the door gently. I wondered how many women she was going to wake up this morning with that smile, how many pregnant women about to have a baby scraped out of their womb. Like me.
I put the gown on, docile. The paper felt itchy next to my skin. There was nothing else to do but wait. I turned the television on, zapped to LCI, the nonstop news channel. I watched, not concentrating. My mind felt numb. Blank. In an hour or so, it would be over. Was I ready for this? Could I cope with it? Was I strong enough? I felt incapable of answering those questions. I could only lie there in my paper dress and paper hat, and wait. Wait to be wheeled into the operating room. Wait to be put to sleep. Wait for the doctor to perform. I didn’t want to think about the exact movements he was going to undertake within me, between my opened thighs. I blocked the thought out, fast, focused on a svelte blonde making professional, sweeping motions with manicured hands over a map of France dotted with sunny round faces. I remembered the last session with the therapist, a week ago. Bertrand’s hand on my knee. “No, we do not want this child. We both agree.” I had remained silent. The therapist had looked at me. Had I nodded? I couldn’t remember. I remember feeling sedated, hypnotized. And then Bertrand, in the car: “That was the right thing to do, amour. You’ll see. It will soon be over.” And the way he had kissed me, passionate, heated.
The blonde vanished. An anchorman appeared, and the familiar jingle for the newsreel was heard. “Today, July 16, 2002, marks the sixtieth anniversary of the Vélodrome d’Hiver roundup, in which thousands of Jewish families were arrested by the French police. A black moment in France ’s past.”
Quickly, I put up the sound. As the camera zoomed along the rue Nélaton, I thought of Sarah, wherever she was now. She would remember today. She didn’t need to be reminded. Ever. For her, and for all those families who had lost loved ones, July 16 was not to be forgotten, and this morning, of all mornings, they would open eyelids heavy with pain. I wanted to tell her, tell them, tell all these people-how? I thought, feeling helpless, useless-I wanted to shout, to scream out to her, to them, that I knew, that I remembered, and that I could not forget.
Several survivors-some of whom I had already met and interviewed-were shown in front of the Vel’ d’Hiv’ plaque. I realized I had not yet seen this week’s issue of Seine Scenes with my article in it. It was out today. I decided to leave a message on Bamber’s mobile, asking him to have a copy sent to the clinic. I turned on my phone, eyes riveted to the television. Franck Lévy’s grave face appeared. He talked about the commemoration. It was going to be more important than the previous years, he pointed out. The phone beeped, telling me I had voice mail. One message was from Bertrand, late last night, telling me he loved me.
The next one was from Nathalie Dufaure. She was sorry to be calling so late, she hadn’t been able to phone before. She had good news: her grandfather was intent on meeting me, he had said he could tell me all about Sarah Dufaure. He had seemed so excited that Nathalie’s curiosity had been aroused. Her animated voice drowned out Franck Lévy’s level tones: “If you want, I could take you to Aschères tomorrow, Tuesday, I could drive you there, no problem. I really want to hear what Papy has to say. Please phone me, so we can meet somewhere.”
My heart was beating fast, almost painfully. The anchorman was back on the screen, presenting another topic. It was too early to call Nathalie Dufaure now. I’d have to wait a couple of hours. My feet danced with anticipation in their paper slippers. “… tell me all about Sarah Dufaure.” What did Gaspard Dufaure have to say? What would I learn?
A knock on the door startled me. The nurse’s garish smile jolted me back to reality.
“Time to go, Madame,” she said briskly, showing teeth and gums.