"Damn him, anyway," she whispered angrily. "I was never so scared in my life, Carl."
"Yeah," I said. "It gave me quite a jar, too."
"Why in the world do you suppose he did it?"
"Oh, I don't know. Like the doctor said probably, so mixed up and screwed up he doesn't know what he's doing."
"Yeah, but… but gosh! Whew, I was scared!"
I didn't tell her about Kendall. I had nothing to gain by it, and a hell of a lot to lose. She might say something or do something that would tip him off. Or she might… well, I didn't like to think about that but I had to: The fact that she might not be on, or stay on, the level with me.
Kendall had saved my neck this morning. He couldn't have done it if Jake had been wise to him. And if I needed help from Kendall in the future and Jake was wise to him…
You see? Kendall was The Man's ace in the hole… dammit, he just about had to be. But he was mine, too, up to a point. As long as I kept my nose clean with The Man Kendall was on my side… he didn't have to be,' he could be leading me on, trying to get me to tip my hand. I couldn't open up with him. I couldn't lay it on the line with her.
The only person I could trust was Charlie Bigger, Little Bigger. And that sawed-off son-of-a-bitch, I was beginning to have some doubts about him.
Talk about Jake being on a spot. Compared to me,Jake didn't have anything to worry about.
… It was a pretty chilly night, and she'd gotten into bed with me. We lay close together, whispering when we had anything to say, her head pillowed on my arm.
"I'd better start getting used to doing without you," I said. "We can't keep this up, baby. If there's something we have to talk over, sure; we'll risk it. Otherwise, we stay out of the clinches."
"But… but it'll be months, Carl! You mean we've got to wait all that time until-"
"Maybe not. I guess not," I said. "Like I said, there'll be times we have to get together. But we'll have to hold 'em down, Pay. The more we're together, the more chances that someone will find out about it."
"I know, honey. I know we have to be careful."
"Another thing"-I suddenly remembered something. "Those amytal capsules. Why in the name of God did you buy them, kid?"
"Well… he uses so damned many of them, and they cost so much if you go to a doctor and get a prescription-"
"Don't try to save dough that way again," I said. "The stuff is poison. You buy it without a prescription, and he' accidentally takes an overdose-"
"Whew!" she shivered. "Why-why someone else might slip him a load and I-I'd-"
She left the sentence unfinished.
At last she snickered softly. I gave her a pat… and took a long deep breath.
"Something funny?"
"That Ruth! Every time I think about it I want to burst out laughing."
"Yeah," I said. "That's a riot, all right."
"Ugh. It makes me kind of sick to think about it. What in the world would anyone-what could he be like, Carl?"
"I wonder," I said.
14
I was up and dressed early the next morning, but I didn't go downstairs right away. I'd started to when I remembered about Ruth, about being alone with her-and I would have been alone with her at that hour. So I sat down on the edge of the bed and waited. Smoking and fidgeting. Feeling pretty queasy and nervous about getting started in school-Christ, imagine me in school!-but wanting to get it over with.
I waited, listening for Kendall's door to open. Then, I waited a few seconds more, so it wouldn't look like I had been waiting for him, and headed for my door.
He knocked on it, just as I turned the knob.
"Ah, good morning, Mr. Bigelow," he said. "All ready to begin your college career?"
"Yes, sir. I guess I am," I said.
"Such enthusiasm," he laughed sympathetically. "A little nervous, eh? A feeling of strangeness and unreality? Well, that's natural enough. Do you know, I have half a notion to-uh-"
"Yes, sir?"
"Would you regard it as-uh-presumptuous if I accompanied you? I am rather well acquainted with the faculty, and possibly as my-uh-er-protкgк you might feel somewhat more-"
"I wish you would," I said. "I can't think of anything I'd like better."
"Really?" He seemed pleased as all get out. "I-I feel very flattered, Mr. Bigelow. I was going to suggest it last night, but I was afraid it might seem an intrusion."
"I wanted to ask you," I said. "But it seemed like a pretty nervy thing to do."
"Tsk, tsk," he beamed. "We must be less-uh-diffident with one another from now on. How about breakfast, eh? I seem to have an unusually hearty appetite this morning."
I didn't know. I'd been practically sure yesterday, but now he had me wondering again.
He could be both things. The nice, dignified, little old guy and the other, too. You can do that, split yourself up into two parts. It's easier than you'd think. Where it gets tough is when you try to get the parts back together again, but… He didn't need to be pretending. Most of the time I'd never pretended I'd really like a guy or want to help him along, but I'd go right ahead and-and do what I had to.
Well, anyway, I was damned glad he was going with me. It seemed funny, with all the other things I had to worry me, that I'd been uneasy about getting enrolled in a hick college. But I just couldn't help it. I guessed maybe it went back to the days when Luke and me and the rest of us had been crop tramps, and maybe you'd get two days in a school one week and three days a month in another. You never knew a thing about the lessons, and you smelled kind of bad and maybe you had a head full of lice, and you'd get put way off somewhere by yourself. You couldn't see worth a damn and your teeth had screwed up your hearing, and there was nothing you could do that someone didn't laugh at you or lay into you. And…
Skip it. Forget it. I was just trying to explain why I felt like I did.
Ruth served breakfast to us, and the way she kept trying to catch my eye I had a notion to take it out and hand it to her.
If she hadn't been kind of awed by Kendall, I think she might have suggested walking to the college with me. Shy as she was, much as she hated to show herself on that crutch.
She seemed to have it that bad.
I wondered whether there wasn't some safe way of getting Pay to give her the gate. And I guessed there was, probably, but I knew I wasn't going to do it. I'd tell her where to head in if I got the chance-if I had to.
But I wouldn't get her fired.
Kendall finally finished eating-I'd just been dragging my breakfast out, waiting for him-and we got started. I hadn't thought much about what courses I would take. I didn't know the score on those things, naturally, and I'd just supposed that you wouldn't have much say-so about your studies.
Kendall said it wouldn't be that way.
"That would be somewhat the case if you were a regular member of the freshman class or if you were majoring in a specific subject. But since you'll be classified as a special student-you're attending as a matter of self-improvement and for, I assume, the prestige value of college study-you have a great deal of latitude as to subjects. Now if you wouldn't- uh-if you would like my suggestions-"