I don’t know if she means our high society, or the world in general. It doesn’t matter. “I think you raised him the best you could. He’s…”
“A sheltered boy. Trust me, I know.”
“In more ways than one.”
Caroline is quiet as she pours herself tea, offers me a cup one last time, and shrugs when I decline. I don’t want to drink any liquids. I may be a bit parched, but I’m so anxious that any drop of liquid will send me to the bathroom twenty times in an hour.
“Now that we’ve established that… go ahead and tell me. You wouldn’t have come here if you didn’t want my advice on the whole tale.”
I don’t know where to begin, and I tell her as much.
“Start wherever it’s most natural.”
You know where is most natural?
Twelve years ago.
There’s nothing pleasant about telling Caroline my history with her son. She doesn’t want to know that we hooked up in high school, let alone that Ian lost his ability to keep going so soon into the deed. When I tell her this, she hides her face in her hand and sighs dramatically, as if to say, “He got that from his father.”
I fast forward to months ago, when Ian and I were thrown together in The Grand project. The sparks. The dislike. The taunting.
The sex.
The more sex.
The bet.
The… time I went to his house and let him dominate me, a Domme.
The fact that I liked it.
That I wanted more.
That I barely know what’s going on in my head and body anymore. That I love him. That he claims to love me, and yet we both know how futile it all is… that heartbreak lurks around the corner.
“We might make it through the completion of this project. Such as when I get the museum in order.” I smooth out my pants but keep my eyes downcast. “After that… well, we’ll have no reason to keep trying to make it work. I’ll probably crack. I’ll resent him. He won’t understand me. We’ll have no choice but to part ways.
Caroline remains silent for a long time. I can tell, through the lines on her face and the heavy breaths passing through her nostrils, that she’s both trying to parse this information about her son’s personal life and what she should say that comes off as unbiased.
It’s an impossible pursuit.
“I didn’t realize it was that complicated between you two,” she finally says. “And I’m sorry to hear that you two are on a road to so much pain. No mother wants to hear that about her child… I mean, that’s worse than all that other stuff.”
With no idea what to say, I finally pour some lukewarm tea and bring it to my lips.
“I see it this way. You’re the only one compromising, aren’t you?”
I nod. “It feels that way to me.”
“He needs to meet you halfway. Not a quarter of the way. Not a third of the way. Halfway. Ian is too good at negotiating. He gets that from his father and me. He’s good at making you see his side so easily. I’ve fallen into that trap a time or two. He’s charismatic and makes you feel taken care of.” Caroline shakes her head. “Kathryn, if any woman, and not just you, wants to be with my son for more than a few weeks, then you need to get him to compromise with you. You’ve done more than enough, I promise.”
I’m glad to hear her say that. I needed to hear her say that.
“Do you know what you want from him, Kathryn?”
That’s something I’ve been thinking about for days. Weeks. What do I want from Ian? What will make me comfortable? Happy? What will give me the confidence to pursue something more than a fling with him? How can I go out in public holding his hand or letting him drag me around in a collar once or twice a month… without dealing with awkward stares from people we know? How can I submit to Ian without worrying about my reputation as a Domme?
How can I become a switch for him?
“I know what I want,” I say. “I want him to see me for who I really am. He said he wanted to deconstruct me and then reconstruct me back into his perfect sub. He nearly did that. Except… why did I have to be deconstructed? Why did I have to change, to explore sides of myself I never knew existed?”
Caroline’s sad smile says everything. “Because you’re a woman.”
God, she’s right.
All these years, I’ve been trying to run away from, to fight against the shit that brings me down in this society. I’ve avoided so many traps threatening to catch me in a web of misogyny and chauvinism. And yet! When I fell for Ian, it felt natural to defer to his wishes, to give up a piece of myself for a fucking man.
I love Ian. Not at the expense of myself.
“My son is blind to such plights. He can’t see through the fog of sheer privilege his father and every other person he’s come across has bestowed upon him. Some things can’t be helped. Ian may not intend to do this to you, but… well, quite frankly, he’s an idiot. You need to tell him directly what you want and how you feel. Don’t just tell him that you love him. Tell him what you need from him to meet you halfway. If that means…”
“If that means what?”
Caroline looks caught between smiling and vomiting. “Dominating him.”
I scoff. “He would never go for it.”
“Perhaps not, but…” Her teeth graze her pink lips. “You’ll be surprised what a man will do for love. Like my ex-husband, who is dating that Barbie to make me jealous.”
Yet again, I scoff. “You think that’s what he’s doing?” I’m relieved to be off the subject of Ian and me, but at what cost? This could get ugly.
“I know that’s what he’s doing. He started dating her the moment he found out about me and that soccer player. Which was overplayed, if you know what I mean.”
A question battles within my mouth. “Do you two still…?”
“Oh, I love that mess of a man. I never doubted that he loves me. We are incompatible. Like you and my son.”
Oh God, I never want to be like that.
“Him dating our son’s ex is extra cream on the sundae. He’s trying to prove how virile he is, in the most disgusting way possible. I don’t have anything against the girl though….”
Before I know it, I spill that Stephanie May is blackmailing me.
Caroline’s face goes from semi-amused to about-to-cut-a-fuckhead in fewer than five seconds.
“What?” She gets up, flames shooting from her nostrils. “How much?”
I feel like I’m sitting at the feet of my own angry mother. “Fifty-thousand a month.”
“Fifty…” Yup. Here comes my mother. “Kathryn Margaret Alison.” She picks up a magazine from the coffee table, rolls it up, and thwacks me on the head. “You’re an idiot!”
I open my mouth to speak, but…
“No, dear, no. She is not worth a single Benjamin a month! Stop paying her.”
“Then she’ll…”
“I will take care of Princess Dystopian Tragic Theater With A Love Triangle. Hmph. Think I haven’t seen all her movies? When I thought Ian was dating her… I… well, never mind. Her ass is grass now. Grass I’m going to smoke.”
“Caroline, I don’t think…”
“That woman has fucked with my family enough. I don’t care if she’s Ms. Sally Sunshine or the president’s daughter…”
“Caroline…”
“No, honey, no.” She puts both hands on my shoulders. Now she’s looming in front of me, grinning. “You worry about my son. I’m going to take care of this interloper before she does any more damage to the people I care about.”
Ah, there’s one problem with that…
I’ve already decided what to do about Ian, and nobody’s going to like it much.