Chapter 15
IAN
“What do you mean you want to take a break?”
I lean across the table, trying to take Kathryn’s hand. She hides it beneath her legs, clasped tightly to her chair.
We’re in a nice restaurant, trying to have dinner after work. Kathryn’s been standoffish all week, but I thought that had to do with her period or something, not… this piece of shit news.
“You’re breaking up with me?”
Finally, Kathryn meets my erratic gaze. “No,” she says with finality. “I didn’t say I was breaking up with you. I said that I would like to take a break for a little while.”
I raise my hands, almost smacking a server in the leg. “How long is a little while?”
There’s something off about her expression. She’s not being submissive. Or at least not delightfully so. This is insecurity and indecision at its finest.
“I don’t know. A few weeks.”
“A few…” Oh hell no. “What brought this about? Did I do something?”
“No. Look…” Kathryn slams her hand on the table. “Listen to me. I’ve got shit going on in my brain that I don’t know how to deal with. I need to back off what we’ve got going on and take some time to myself.”
“While we’re still working together?”
“Are we incapable of working together?”
“No, but…” I’ll want her. If she’s around me and says that I can’t have her, well… I don’t know how I’ll act. Probably embarrass myself and sully my reputation with her even more. Because even though she says I didn’t do anything, I clearly have! “That’s not a fair request.”
“You’ve made plenty of unfair requests of me so far, Ian.” I don’t like that tone in her voice. “I think you can handle this one. I don’t care. Jack off in the shower more often. Go fuck some other young blonde for a while. I’m tired. I need some time to think. I… might actually take a quick vacation and go somewhere. I might go visit my mom.”
“Oh, so you’re breaking up with me and abandoning the project.”
The server starts coming with our food and then quickly walks away. Yeah. Now is not a good time.
“I’m not abandoning the project. I’ll let you keep Anita. You won’t have to pay me for the week or two I jet off. Just… please. Let me take a break for a while. From everything.”
She keeps saying that she’s not abandoning me – or the project, I suppose. She keeps saying that she’s not breaking up with me, per se, but she’s talking about me fucking other women and taking over the whole project without her help.
“You can’t do this.” My elbow is on the table, a banish worthy offense in my family home. An angrier finger than I intend pushes toward her face. “You can’t walk away until we talk this through.”
“I don’t even know how to talk about it. You’re the one with the upper hand. I’m tired of it. I need a break. Please, Ian, realize that I’m not going away forever.”
“If you weren’t, you would say you’re going to visit your mom and that you’re sorry you’re leaving me with the job five weeks before we open. Don’t you get it? I need you!”
My fists slam on the table. People are looking at us, some of them overtly while the others give us side-glares to rival our mothers. Fuck yeah, I’m being disruptive. Don’t you judge me. Don’t you see? I’m sitting at this fucking table with the woman I love, her telling me the she wants to take a break from sex and romance. Right when I’m falling head over heels!
The hell is her problem?
“Ian.” She puts one hand on mine, and instantly I feel soothed… until I remember what she said only a few minutes ago. “You haven’t done anything. All I need is a short break from what we have personally going on so I can sort out my thoughts. You asked for the same thing a while ago, didn’t you?”
“That was different,” I growl. “I didn’t want a break. I wanted time to figure out my feelings for you.”
“And so do I. Except I can’t keep sleeping with you, let alone… the other stuff… while I’m sorting it out. It keeps confusing me.”
“You’re confused?”
If her eyes roll any harder, I might be picking them up off the floor. “I don’t want this to be dramatic. I don’t want this to be an end. I know the love thing is making this more difficult…”
“Kathryn.” I snatch my hand away and clasp it over hers. It’s domineering. It’s probably uncalled for. Like fuck I’m giving her the chance to even think about getting away from me, though. “Do you love me?”
“What?”
I said that too loudly. I glance around the restaurant, wondering who’s listening. People we do business with. People who know our parents. People who are gossips and want a chance to say, “Did you hear about Ian Mathers and Kathryn Alison having a lover’s spat in public? Truly their parents’ children.”
Kathryn narrows her eyes. “How dare you ask me that.”
“How dare I? I’ve been pretty forthcoming with my feelings for you. The least you could do is be more forthcoming with me.”
“I have been.”
We’re at an impasse. I’m pissed. She’s pissed. The server’s pissed because he wants to give us our food. Meanwhile, yours truly keeps fantasizing about all of this going away… about us going back to my place, or hers, and fucking our problems away.
Kathryn leans back in her seat, crossing her arms. “You can be such an asshole, Mathers.”
“I’m an asshole?”
“You fucking heard me.”
“Says the woman breaking up with me.”
“I’m not…” She cuts herself off, holding up her hands. “Fine. I’m a huge asshole, but at least I stand up for myself. I doubt you can say that for many of the women you’ve dated before.”
“Now hold on…”
“I’ve gotta cool off.” Kathryn stands, the look on her face broadcasting how little she wants to deal with me. No, Katie, don’t leave… where are you going? Are you coming back? Please tell me that this is hormones, a bad day, anything other than you walking out that door and not answering your phone for weeks, responding to my non-work texts for days, and actually leaving for Europe as you sort out whatever the fuck you need to sort the hell out.
Damnit, Kathryn! Don’t you know that I love you? Don’t you know that I’d do anything at this point? Anything to see you walk through the door and say that this was all a joke?
Where are you going?
Come back!
Chapter 16
IAN
I am walking through a haze of nothing but work, drinks with businesspeople, and books, movies, and people arguing on the internet. I am bitter. I am annoyed. I am everything I fucking hate in a whiny little insecure man.
Kill me.
It’s been four weeks since Kathryn dumped me. Oh, I know what she called it. Taking a break. Thinking. Contemplating the birds and the bees and the whips and chains. She can call it whatever she wants. I know she’s dumped me. Otherwise, why would she avoid me outside of work? Why won’t she kiss me before she leaves for home?
All right, I can understand wanting to take a break from the kink if it’s really getting to her. I can even understand wanting to avoid sex… I mean, I guess. Wouldn’t make me terribly happy, but it’s better than not being able to be with her at all.
Four weeks of not enjoying her touch, her breaths next to me in bed. Her company in the tub. Her light snores as she dozes on my shoulder or curls up beneath my covers, next to my cat.