" 'ere, are you making sport of me, mate? I'll wring your Bryanting Potter Stewarting neck, so I will…"
"Here he comes!" somebody shouted.
And other voices took up the cry: "The king! The king!"
Eva Gebloomenkraft, certainly the loveliest woman in the crowd, had been listening to all this with her own private amusement, but now she reached down and began to open her purse, a bit stealthily, perhaps, yet not quite stealthily enough, it seemed, for another hand closed abruptly over hers.
"Rumpole, CID, Scotland Yard," said a voice, as a badge was flashed briefly. "I'm afraid you'll have to come along, miss."
The Archbishop of Canterbury had shared his suspicions about Ms. Gebloomenkraft with the Yard, and they had been on the lookout for her all through coronation day.
But when they had her back in the interrogation room on Bow Street, there was no Rehnquist in her purse.
"I sold it," she said after an hour of interrogation. And, at their baffled expressions, she added, "It was becoming a bore. The joke was wearing thin. I needed something else to excite me."
"That's why you do it, then?" Inspector Rumpole asked. "For excitement?"
Eva raised weary eyes. "When you have so much money that you can literally hire anybody to do literally anything, life does become tedious," she said. "It requires some imagination, then, to restore zest to existence."
And all she had in her purse was a self-inflating balloon, which, when the cap was crushed, expanded to a sphere nearly twenty feet in diameter bearing the slogan, in huge psychedelic colors:
OVERALL THERE IS A SMELL OF FRIED ONIONS
When next recorded the itinerant Rehnquist was in the possession of Lady Sybiline Greystoke, who had either purchased it directly from Ms. Gebloomenkraft or had acquired it from some go-between.
Lady Sybiline was an eccentric, even for the British nobility. She was so far to the right, politically, that she regarded the Magna Carta as dangerously radical. She was so High Church that she referred to Charles I as "Saint Charles the Martyr." She hunted lions, in Africa, and was a crack shot. She was also, secretly, president of the Sappho Society, the group of aristocratic Lesbians who had secretly governed England, behind the scenes, since their founder, Elizabeth I.
Lady Sybiline and her good and intimate friend, Lady Rose Potting-Shedde, evidently found great amusement, between them, with the Rehnquist, for they even took it with them when Lady Sybiline embarked, that summer, for her annual lion hunt in Kenya.
Their White Hunter on that expedition was a red-faced man named Robert Wilson, who, like Clem Cotex, knew he was living in a book.
Robert Wilson had discovered this when somebody showed him the book in question. It was called Great Short Stories and was by some Yank named Hemingway. And there he was, Robert Wilson, playing a featured role in the very first story, "The Short Happy Life of Francis Macomber."
It was a shock, at first, to see himself in a book, and it was a bit thick to find his drinking and his red face described so dispassionately. It was like seeing yourself on the telly, suddenly observing the-man-who-was-you from outside.
Then Wilson discovered that he was in another book, but changed in totally arbitrary ways that verged on surrealism. This book was a bit of tommyrot and damned filth called The Universe Next Door, and he was, in fact, both inside it and outside it, being both the author of it and a character in it.
Robert Wilson began to experience cycles of agitation, elation, anxiety, and a growing sense of unreality.
Then came Lady Sybiline and Lady Rose and that mysterious object they kept in a small box and kept joking about, obscurely, between themselves.
They called it Marion Brando.
The river had pebbles at the bottom. They were shiny and small and the water rushed over them constantly and you could see clear to the other side of it if you had your glasses on and weren't too drunk. Robert Wilson stared at the pebbles, thinking they were like pearls, trying not to remember what had happened that morning.
"After all, it was a clean kill," Lady Sybiline said beside him. He wished she wouldn't talk. He wished she would go away and take Marion Brando with her.
"The hills, in the distance," she said. "They look like white rhinoceri."
"They look like white rhinoceri," he said. "Jesus Christ."
"Don't talk that way."
"The bloody hills don't look at all like rhinoceri," he said. "They have no horns, for one thing. No exoskeleton on the head. I never heard such a damned silly thing. They look like elephants, actually."
"Stop it," she said. "It wasn't that bad."
"It was bloody bad," he said. "Bloody awful bad."
"If it hadn't happened, would it be cute, then, for me to say the hills look like white rhinoceri?"
"It wouldn't be cute no matter what happened."
"Oh," she said. "It's like that."
"Yes," he said. "It's like that."
"Will you please please stop repeating everything I say?"
The water kept running, always running, over the pebbles that were like pearls.
"It was bad," he said again. "Bloody awful bad."
"Are you always this rude to your clients?"
"Oh, it comes down to that," he said. "The hired help have to keep a polite tongue in their heads. You bloody English."
"You're English yourself," she said.
"I'm part Irish. I wish I were all Irish now."
"Really. You don't have to go on like this. Everybody is a little bit… eccentric."
That was the kind of whining excuse he despised. He knew then that he was going to be brutal. Somebody had to teach them.
"English literature," he said. "There is none in this century."
She cringed. He knew he had reached her.
"Stop it," she said.
"Everything worth reading is by Irishmen," he said. "Padraic Colum. Beckett. O'Casey."
"Stop it. Stop it."
"Behan. Bernard Shaw. O'Flaherty."
"Stop it. Stop it. Stop it."
"I'm stopping," he said. "I feel that I ve said all this before somewhere, already. But how could you do it?"
"It excites me," she said. "To have… Marion… there… while I'm firing at a lion."
He shook his head. "You are a five-letter woman," he said wearily.
But then the Rehnquist mysteriously disappeared again, back in Nairobi, while Lady Sybiline and Lady Rose were staying at the glamorous new Mau Mau Hilton.
Lady Sybiline was furious, but frustrated. There was no way of asking the hotel to question its employees about the theft without describing the object that had been stolen, and that was, of course, potentially embarrassing.
But she and Lady Rose had lots of other exciting little games, and they soon forgot all about "Marion Brando."
Especially after they bought a beautiful plastic-and-rubber imitation which they christened "David Bowie."
It wasn't really theft, of course; Indole Ringh was a pious and holy man who would never steal anything. It was his religious duty, as he conceived it, to remove the holy relic from the heathens and return it to its rightful homeland.
Indole Ringh was a brown, gnarled, perpetually smiling little man, the offspring often generations of very conservative Hindus who had never accepted English ideas or ideals.
He had, in fact, three personalities. One was just an ordinary Hindu nobleman who was always smiling. The second, when he was in Samadhi, was an awe-inspiring guru, no more human than a statue of Brahma. The third, when he was in Dhyana, was just the brightest, quickest, most curious monkey in the jungle.
He didn't believe in any of those personalities; he just watched them come and go, blandly indifferent.
Because he practiced hatha yoga, bhakti yoga, rajah yoga, and gnana yoga, and because he smoked a great deal of bhang, he was as conscious of detail as Clem Cotex or the late Pope Stephen. Because he believed the oldest Vedas were the important ones, he had no truck with modernistic notions of aceticism, British prudery, or heathen Missionary nonsense of any sort.