“Now Miss Pots remember that you’re to be secretary to theatrical producers and you might be called upon without notice in an emergency to stand in for an indisposed understudy to an indisposed star. So we would appreciate if you could, in order to prove your acting potential, demonstrate to the best of your ability an adequately angry exit as if you had just been grossly insulted. We would like you to do this while passing our executive producer’s door.”
Rebecca had played her part extremely well on the occasion. Leaving Schultz stunned in his cubbyhole scratching his black curly locks. And she had also proved rather something that the other girls weren’t, a distinct all rounder when she set about one entire afternoon cleaning his Lordship’s trousers of chewing gum where he had sat stickily in same.
And when Schultz in those days had come out of his own tiny cubbyhole office, his Lordship and Binky lounging in their splendour would be waiting.
“Hey what are you guys doing. I mean that was four fucking girls rushing past my doorway like they’d been really insulted or something.”
In total and utter aristocratic astonishment his Lordship and Binky would look back and forth at each other and then at Schultz. And then again back at each other and back at Schultz.
“Well look holy shit isn’t that right. I mean your Lordship what the fuck’s going on. I mean I’m sitting in there wondering whether to go to the rescue or not.”
And now on this inclement noonday, Schultz back from his trauma in the hospital and his fisticuffs and umbrella battering on his front steps, had just entered the chairman’s office with his nose buried in the just published copy of a showbizz periodical. And a pair of sunglasses over his black eye.
“Ah Schultz, just in time. His Royal Highness and I have just been discussing your production Too Too Naughty And Not One Bit Nice. Isn’t that true Rebecca.”
“Yes sir.”
“Both his Royal Grace and I Schultz have decided to toy with a rather momentous decision. Now wait for it Schultz, don’t yet jump up on our backs screaming yippee hi o, just sit down there on our recently repaired chaise longue. That’s better. Ah but first do please let me enquire. How is your hospitalized lady friend.”
* * *
“Boy I’m telling you. I’m not kidding. I’m going to go queer.”
“How sensible of you Schultz. But I say. Dear me. Is that a black eye there behind your sunglasses. What a beauty, isn’t it your Royal Grace.”
“I ran into a door. So don’t get excited.”
“Ah, but tell us. Your lady friend, how is she.”
“She was with her mother and a hairdresser eating god damn caviar and foie gras in a private room I’m paying for and drinking champagne she had sent over from Fortnum’s to be put on my fucking bill, that’s what she was doing.”
“O we’re glad to hear your lady friend’s well, Schultz. And Rebecca do please excuse our fellow director’s sometimes forceful language.”
“She’s well, don’t worry.”
“Ah his Royal Grace and I are genuinely relieved to hear that. You know we were rather concerned for you Schultz, as a most irate lady was on to us on the phone. We really did fear she would strike you with her umbrella or something. Ah but let us get back to business. And forget these black eyes and that scratch or two on your cheek Schultz. Now Schultz the fact of the matter is that we are examining the possibility of taking a more than substantial piece of your little show.”
“This is a joke.”
“No joke Schultz. On the contrary it’s absolute gospel. Of course we expect a few preferential terms. But to those, I’m sure you won’t object. Rebecca has them down in her splendid shorthand. Don’t you, my dear.”
“Yes sir.”
“I really don’t know what we’d do without you Rebecca.”
“Ah you dirty cunts. You’ve heard it haven’t you.”
“Heard what Schultz. And please. Do, in front of Miss Pots, remember your language.”
“That I might have somebody who not only has a beautiful face and body but can really dance and sing.”
“Dear me, Schultz one hears a lot of things in the theatre. But I can vouch we have absolutely failed to hear such rumour. Which certainly I assure you wouldn’t sway us in the least. We actually think your little show on its present merits has a chance.”
“Thanks. But it’s no fucking rumour. This girl, you watch is going straight to the top.”
“Ah how nice for you Schultz. How nice. We rejoice, don’t we Basil. We truly rejoice.”
“But Jesus, the show at the moment is the least of my worries. I want to know what’s the fucking law on assault in this country.”
“Ah Schultz, you were attacked.”
“No I wasn’t, I was shoved. I mean this fucking girl’s mother yesterday at the hospital. She must have weighed two tons. I was so knocked out by the sight of her I walked right into the middle of an operation.”
“And his Royal Grace and I understand that completely Schultz, especially when there she was, gorging on caviar and drinking champagne charged to your account.”
“People don’t have morals any more.”
“Ah dear Schultz. Do you know that that lady you describe strikes me as your ideal kind of mother in law.”
“Holy shit, Binky don’t even ever fucking well joke about a thing like that. For christ’s sake.”
“Schultz you are an utterly endearing cavalier stylist.”
“What’s that supposed to mean your Lordship.”
“Schultz I haven’t the faintest idea. But it is so refreshing to hear you talk of morals. We must also hear more from you on chivalry, courtesy and generosity. Especially as you are presently maintaining your lady friend and her mother in such high living circumstances in the hospital.”
“Hey look, people don’t have to be eating caviar all the time. On somebody else’s bill. I’m generous for christ’s sake. And don’t worry when it’s necessary I got chivalry too.”
“Ah Schultz, please, both his Royal Grace and I invite you to sit down. Give Rebecca a chance to catch up on the minutes of our little meeting here.”
“Minutes. Holy shit. Stop. What are you taking evidence or something.”
“No no. And no need to pop up and make fists at us. You see we both thought you totally devoid of the virtues of generosity and chivalry until this very moment. I mean you could have snatched away the pot of caviar and the champagne and returned it to your elegant grocery merchant Fortnum’s and said it was all a horrid mistake.”
“Come on you guys. What’s this about an investment.”
“First Schultz you’ll be pleased to hear that his Royal Grace and I are having lunch fetched in. So do relax.”
“This office with you guys is always like this. Anything to waste time.”
“Schultz. Your fly is open.”
“It is not. Holy shit it is.”
“Rebecca I think at this point you must leave us. Ah now you see Schultz, how often you assume you’re being humbugged. And just when his Lordship as you like to refer to him, is attempting to prevent your being embarrassed by your indecent exposure. Now I speak both for myself and his Royal Grace Schultz when I say we are most interested in a piece of your little show.”
“O.K. come on, let’s go. How much.”
“Ah but firstly Schultz, firstly there are a few little matters to be disposed of. And one rather major one. Now this kicking of ladies out of your house one after another is reflecting badly upon the firm.”
“Hey what is this a fucking courtroom or something suddenly.”
“Rather more like a court martial Schultz. Behaviour unbecoming and that sort of thing. Especially Schultz when you chuck out females and then such ladies need hospitalization.”