“She sent herself to the hospital where she’s sitting up glowing with health in the fucking bed.”
“Ah Schultz that may be but I fear there is to one other such incident attached a further and more serious tale. Which it is of some urgency to tell.”
“What tale. And holy shit you guys talk. At least I’ve got principles. These are foreigners I’m kicking out. Whereas you guys send rushing past my door respectable English girls who came to you innocent looking for a decent job. And get insulted.”
“Well of course Schultz but it’s merely that we lay down stringent standards to weed out the unladylike types.”
“Bullshit.”
“Did you know Schultz that just the other day one bosomy youngster without the merest encouragement from myself or our esteemed deputy director Lord Nectarine here, stripped. Yes, you heard correctly Schultz, stripped. Totally without invitation I may needlessly add. And stood right where you stand not quite as hysterical as you but entirely naked to the waist before we could jump up and stop her. We implored her to put back on her clothes. Her bosoms were jumbo sized. One didn’t want so much flesh to get chilled. His Royal Grace even went to the extreme of tugging down that drape you see there crumpled upon the deck to cover her. She said most loudly don’t you dare put that dirty dusty thing on me. In the end we had to use strong arm tactics. Most embarrassing with her large things heaving around slapping one’s face. I mean of course she had, like so many others, misunderstood our letterhead and took the literal interpretation of our most unfortunate company name and thought she was being auditioned to take part in the moving photography of some sordidly disgusting obscenity of one awful kind or another. But Schultz, referring to foreigners, you Schultz I fear might be included in that category. But I’m sure his Royal Grace will agree with me, when I say that you have, haven’t you, as an American, rather made yourself at home with us here in dear old England. But please do let me put you at your ease Schultz. As you do look more than somewhat fraught this very serene afternoon.”
“What a long load of shit I’ve just listened to. I think you guys are a bunch of fucking philanderers, that’s what I think.”
“Schultz that’s a most serious accusation and could call for an extraordinary board meeting. By jove I don’t think we’re going to let you look any more at our pigeons sitting out there on their eggs on our roof.”
“Fuck the pigeons. What about the investment.”
“Ah Schultz. It must be said for you, resplendent as you are in your sunglasses and grey herringbone, blue shirt, black knit tie and those buttons on your collar tips, that you never give up. However, we do have some rather very heavy matters at hand. Now as you must know, a company is regarded as an entity separate from its members. However if one of its members is a loose moraled philanderer or worse, clapped up, then the company itself might easily be regarded as a clapped up company. And having regard for the name of ours, this simply will not do. Especially as we have already attracted the Board of Trade’s attention regarding our undesirable appellation. Ah but let me put business aside a moment. Goodness aren’t they the most marvellous aromas.”
Lunch accompanied by a bushy browed squat white hatted Italian chef was wheeled in. A boy assistant setting the table. As Binky and his Lordship in their usual manner, again looked at each other and back again at Schultz. The traffic sounds in the street increasing at this late noon time, and Schultz taking out and tearing off his usual half stick of afternoon chewing gum.
“Join us Schultz. Put your gum away. There’s a good chap. Sit there.”
“Jesus christ you guys, why don’t you go out to lunch.”
“Because Schultz we want to stay in and talk confidentially to you.”
“Come on where’s this big fucking investment. More bullshit, isn’t it. Just like you give the secretaries.”
“Now Schultz you are becoming awfully outspoken. And in front of his Royal Grace too. You really are. But what you think Schultz is entirely your own delusion. But we assure you, that neither I nor his Royal Grace are in the habit of being prevaricators. Or indeed lackadaisical with our chivalry towards ladies. It is merely that with our playful attitude towards secretaries we wish to eliminate from this hair raising business those girls who might tend to be squeamish, nerve wracked and unable to cope at a dire time. You know what show business is like, Schultz. Attracting as it does the very worst most awful sort of people. Help yourself to the gull’s eggs. And Mario do pour out for the Viscount Schultz some of your specially selected chablis.”
“Very good sir.”
“Hey Jesus I know you guys, you’re going to try and get me drunk.”
“Dear me Schultz you are lacking in faith in your fellow company directors.”
“Fucking right I am. And why doesn’t his Lordship say something, what is this, like you’re waiting to spring something on me.”
“Schultz outside the skies have cleared. His Royal Grace will speak in due course. Meanwhile lunch is the order of the day.”
The sun shining blazing in the window, sparkling upon the glassware and cutlery. The chef with his swift deft moves over his alcohol burners performing at his little auxiliary table covered in dishes and condiments. While the white coated boy, his hair slicked back and parted in the middle, circled serving this noble Lord and two commoner gentlemen.
“Jesus look at you, the pair of you so fucking rich it isn’t true. I mean what do you want, isn’t it enough that you got everything in the world already, Jesus castles and cooks, that you get kicks out of making innocent working girls miserable and then me guilty because I object.”
“Your Royal Grace don’t you think that Schultz here is, under his brash American exterior, a great romantic.”
“I do actually Binky, I actually do.”
“He reads so many showbizz trade newspapers and periodicals that he thinks every legitimate producer sits with his desperately livid cock out waiting for some defenceless girl to come and be requested to perform some resuscitating mouth tiring ministration upon it. Totally wrong, Schultz. Just as you, we too are dedicated to the theatre. Do have some more of the smoked salmon Schultz. And only the other day I was saying to his royal highness here what a rather good figure you cut. And how your silk shirts become you.”
“This fucking thing I’m wearing is nylon.”
“O dear. But now the truth of the matter is Schultz. That we told these prospective secretaries that they would have to, from time to time, work for you and that on their way out they might just peek in the office at the end of the corridor. I fear it was from that point onwards you heard the vituperation and screaming. And it does not surprise me in the least following his Royal Grace’s most unfortunate confrontation at your Belgravia establishment.”
“What the fuck are you talking about Binky.”
“Ah. I think in the interests of hygiene, and the well being of the board members of Sperm Productions, not to mention widespread epidemic, his Royal Grace will allow me to repeat for him his sad tale. And do try the asparagus Schultz, Mario, pop some of those nice tender stalks on to the Viscount Schultz’s plate. And help yourself Schultz to Mario’s renowned mayonnaise.”
“Hey come on, what is this.”
“Schultz now. You must shut up and listen. This is the matter of the major matter we must resolve before making our substantial investment in your little show.”
“Christ you guys. I knew you were going to go beating around the bush when this whole god damn production is on my mind.”
“Now Schultz you have, haven’t you done some really rather lousy rotten things to ladies.”