“Jesus what is this.”
“Well the fact of the matter is, and I have your permission your Royal Grace, ah good. And Mario that will be all for the moment, till the scampi thank you.”
“Very good sir.”
“Well Schultz, one inclement morning not that long ago our dear Lord Nectarine here was motoring into town from a west country direction from one of his westerly located country houses and thinking of your welfare, asked his faithful Hubert to stop a moment at your residence in order that he might give you a lift into the office. And I regret to say his Royal Grace at once became witness to a rather bizarre event. Schultz, do try that sauce that Mario has spent two hours preparing this morning. Indeed it is the most famous sauce in London.”
“Come on you guys. You’re going to gorge me. I’ve got important work to do.”
“Schultz there was an au pair.”
“What au pair.”
“Well we assume it was one you were clearly trying to shove out on the scrap heap after the usual twenty one days of nonstop sexual use or abuse of her body.”
“Hey come on what is this.”
“Schultz it’s a case of inhumanity, and do have a slice of wholemeal bread. Good for your hemorrhoids and chew it well.”
“I ain’t got hemorrhoids.”
“You may have them after this tale Schultz.”
“Come on what tale.”
“The tale involving his Royal Grace when he saw kneeling on the hard paving stones of your basement kitchen, a young honey blond lady in her night shift. Begging and shivering and sobbing not to be thrown out. No need to look goggle eyed behind your sunglasses Schultz. His royal highness was rather cut to the quick as she wailed out in her miserably fractured English that she would clean and scrub, cook and polish, worship and obey Mr. Schultz till death if only he would let her stay.”
“This is what you guys do all day. Dream up this bullshit.”
“Ah Schultz there is more. Ah but perhaps we should leave it till brandy and cigar time. We have some rather nice pale old stuff been lying in barrel down the London docks from the beginning of this century that my good chaps Berry Brothers and Rudd have just bottled. I think you’ll like its gently exquisite finesse.”
“Come on, now you got started trying to ruin my appetite, get finished.”
“Well as I say there was his Royal Grace on your doorstep. And then suddenly the servants’ entrance is flung open and in a veritable blaze of obscenities this honey blond creature in a yellow flowered dress was shoved into the London elements by a raven haired beauty whom his Royal Grace took to be some new member of your household.”
“Hey now wait a minute, you sons of bitches. Have you been spying on me or something.”
“Schultz you’ll choke speaking with a whole stalk of asparagus sticking out of your mouth like that. Ah but allow me to pour you a little spot more of Chablis to have with your scampi. I see we have struck a chord of some admission here. Haven’t we your Royal Grace. That the facts put forth are not entirely, to quote you Schultz, bullshit.”
“Like hell they’re not.”
“I mean Schultz naturally, your being a director of this old established firm we must be alert to hygiene and to your well being. And dear me, you’ve aready admitted being shoved about by this young lady’s two ton mother. A black eye today. With your toes broken periodically. A limping and thoroughly distraught man when you come in here prick weary of a lunch time. Well I tell you, his Royal Grace and I are alarmed. Even as we are pleased that you rather exaggeratedly uphold the firm’s name.”
“Come on, so what, I broke my toes and got a black eye. What’s all this hygiene and eviction shit.”
“We are Schultz about to come to that. Now his Royal Highness did in fact, on this particular faintly drizzly morning, and entirely out of the goodness of his heart, drive to your premises in order that, with the scarcity of taxis on London rainy mornings, you might not have to overexert your recently broken toes on the way to the office. I mean you have indeed been having to make so many trips to Harley Street these days.”
“Jesus, that bitch from Rotterdam.”
“Ah Schultz, you’ve jumped right out of your seat, at long last. And out of you has come a truly heartfelt sentiment. Now why.”
“Jesus christ she broke every god damn dish in the kitchen, threw a flower pot through the window. Poured a jar of honey down the stairs. Flung jam on the walls. I’m still discovering what she did.”
“And my dear Schultz you are about to discover more. Concerning that bitch from Rotterdam. And I must because of the verbatim quality, I am sure you’ll appreciate is necessary, now hand you over to his royal esteem Prince Basil, the well known Earl of Eel Brook Common and London’s most fashionable peer, who will take it up from here. I give you without further embroidery his Amazing Grace.”
“Ah my dear pettifogging creampuff Schultz. Sit down.”
“What for.”
“I think it is best advised you do.”
“Jesus I’m all right standing. But I could tell you were fucking well sitting waiting there to jump me with something. Give me a cigarette will you.”
“As Binky smokes cigars, you’re referring I presume to one of mine Schultz.”
“Sure why not.”
“Well puff deeply Schultz. You’re going to need all the nicotine you can get. Firstly, so that you know beyond question that one does not pull your leg, the young lady’s legs from Rotterdam were, apart from being extremely attractively shaped, also extensively hairy.”
“O Jesus, come on you guys. You really are trying to get me. I got a hundred and twenty thousand pound production hanging over my head.”
“Schultz your budget has suddenly doubled.”
“Fucking well right it has. Now will you tell me what the fuck’s going on and stop bullshitting all over the place.”
“Dear me Schultz is your little show going to cost that much.”
“My little show, Binky. Well let me tell you. I got a husband and wife team composing who think that combined they’re Puccini. A playwright doing the book who thinks he’s Shakespeare. And a fucking director who thinks that in his suede shoes he’s god. And they all think they should live full time in suites at the Dorchester.”
“O dear Schultz. Do sit down. And finish your scampi. In a moment there will be chocolate mousse. And his Royal Grace and I do so hate to add to your troubles.”
“Well go on add. Just don’t waste my fucking time doing it. Come on your Lordship.”
“Well Schultz when your lady friend was being flung out by this other most attractive but extremely determined lady I naturally assisted the wretched girl. Not knowing of course that she had done the dire dirty to your domicile. She was nearly delirious, tears streaming down her face. My Dutch is extremely rusty but at least I could follow the rudiments of what she was saying.”
“O.K. what was she saying.”
“Well among other things, that she couldn’t return to her employers. Indeed she volunteered she’d do anything for me, work in any of my castle kitchens or meadows. Of course I realised that this meant that you Schultz had been shooting your loud mouth off yet again, and had been telling her all sorts of exaggerated tales about me. I instead took her to one of the better quality West End hotels and gave them your name and address to send the charges to.”
“You did like shit.”
“Ah Schultz you are a disbeliever aren’t you.”
“Damn right. This whole story is all the same, one fifth fact, four fifths fiction.”
“Well perhaps. And to some extent you are quite correct Schultz. I did have Hubert take her back to Hornchurch to her employers.”
“Hey how did you know where she lived.”