“Ah Schultz, of course I knew. From her very own lips. I’ve repeatedly attempted to make it evident to you that you are being told the absolute truth.”
“Well come on then tell it. What’s it you’re driving at.”
“Well Schultz in a nut shell. As a result of assisting this lady not only have I been interviewed by the police regarding her possible abduction but also by three extremely worried medical investigators.”
“Holy shit what for.”
“Now Schultz please, you’ve nearly upset the entire table, do sit down.”
“Holy christ I’m down.”
“Ah that’s better. Binky pour our dear fellow director some brandy. Now please don’t get hysterical, Schultz.”
“Hey how fucking tranquil do you want me to get for christ’s sakes.”
“Well Schultz, extremely tranquil. Since it appears from confirmed bacterial findings that your young lady was evidently suffering from a rapidly spreading and so far un treatable venereal disease from the Orient. Schultz, sit down. And please listen. These medical investigators are desperate to track anyone down who had any contact with her even of the most casual sort.”
“Hey, I’m not going to believe one more fucking word of this.”
“By all means, don’t Schultz. Don’t.”
The sun glinting on Schultz’s sunglasses and his hands spreading out beside him on the chaise longue where in his table toppling anxiety he was now sitting ready to spring up to escape. His adam’s apple going up and down in his throat as he swallowed and his tongue flicking out between his lips. As he quietly turned white before turning beet red.
“Hey come on, is this serious for christ’s sake. Is this the truth. Come on Binky. This is all a lot of shit isn’t it.”
“Schultz, as much as one would prefer it to be, unhappily I assure you, it is distinctly not. And I admonish you to heed his Royal Grace’s every word.”
“Hey come on. From the Orient. That’s miles away.”
“Alas not for this incurable chronic vesicular chancre, Schultz. Popping from continent to continent is merely a hop skip and jump for it.”
“You guys are really just shitting me. There’s got to be a cure.”
Binky presiding before his glass of brandy, taking up his gold clipper and snipping a piece from the end of his cigar. As his Lordship crossed his legs and sat deeply back in his chair sniffing his very special old pale cognac over the edge of his glass and then holding it aloft in the direction of both the light and of Schultz’s increasingly flustered face.
“Schultz, it’s you who ought to be shitting. It’s so stupidly American of you, thinking everything’s got to have a cure.”
“That’s not American, that’s true. There’s a day and night struggle that goes on to find a cure for everything. And they find them. Don’t worry.”
“I do so hate to dash your hopes Schultz. But according to these medical investigators, although you Americans are presently pulling your hair out trying to find a cure for these deucedly severe microbes, which have afflicted some of your far flung military bases, you yet haven’t.”
“You don’t even have a name for the disease.”
“Oriental Venereal Plague.”
“Hey come on, that kind of plague stuff went out with the middle ages.”
“My dear Schultz. Your innocence and faith in man’s all conquering abilities is so refreshing sometimes. But some of these microbes which even predate the human race, not only still lurk everywhere but indeed are far more able to survive than man himself.”
“Well what the fuck are they doing about them then. It’s not right they’re loose like that.”
“Exactly. Therefore these investigators are tracking down and rigidly enforcing isolation and quarantine of the unfortunate victims. Fortunately I was wearing gloves and did not come into skin contact with the lady. But of course where she sat in my motor, was sprayed and my gloves burned.”
“Holy shit. I needed this now. On top of what I got already.”
“And now Schultz what on earth are you so suddenly concerned about.”
“My fucking health.”
“Schultz you ass, that doesn’t mean that you become infected merely by a person’s presence. The medical investigators were quite clear in stating that there had to be solid if not somewhat prolonged mucous membrane contact.”
“Holy motherfucking christ.”
“Come come get a grip on yourself Schultz. There’s no need for such extreme blaspheming profanity. You really are beginning to take this awfully hard.”
“Hard. You want me to rejoice.”
“But surely Schultz this young lady was most safely imprisoned in your commodious basement.”
“Yeah sure, I kept her locked down there. But I had to let her loose once in a while, didn’t I. You can’t treat someone like a criminal before you know they are.”
“And quite rightly so Schultz. At least you’re eminently fair.”
“And I wish I wasn’t. Boy. When she was trying to wreck it she got all over the house.”
“Ah then Schultz of course you’ll make sure to get only experienced fumigators when cleaning the jam off your walls especially if she were flinging it about in bare fistfuls. But do remember. Only those who may have actually had orifice contact are at serious risk. Those who touch the girl on her skin or rub up close to her in some fashion are only at moderate risk.”
“Hey now wait a minute why the fuck are they calling it venereal if you can get it just touching someone.”
“Ah I’m very glad you asked that question Schultz, it’s precisely what I thought. And I’m suitably impressed by your medical knowledge. But damn it all, it really does take the cake you know. Evidently these microbes which have reached us from the Far East are of quite an advanced type. Enabling them to withstand greater rigors in their survival. And Schultz please stop dropping your cigarette ash on the cushion.”
“Holy shit here he is telling me to stop dropping my ash on the fucking cushion when I could be deeply infected with fucking germs they got no cure for.”
“I’ve already told you Schultz. It doesn’t mean that whenever you lightly brush up against one of these heinously afflicted persons that you will automatically pick up one of these fearful microbes. But of course delving into orifices and therein taking your sport is entirely another matter. Then there is no question this most awful evil affliction may befall one.”
“Holy shit stop saying that word orifice will you. Here I stand on the abyss of a hundred and twenty thousand pounds and you give me this kind of good news.”
“The really unfortunate thing is Schultz, that we hadn’t given it to you sooner. In order to save your new lady friend and even her mother from being infected. Of course the medical investigators will want to interview them. And conveniently she’s already in hospital. Why are you looking so distraught Schultz.”
“I’m not distraught.”
“Anyone Schultz would think you were the way you are again jumping up.”
“Well I’m fucking well not. Did these investigators tell you what the symptoms were.”
“Yes as a matter of fact.”
“Well come on. Tell me.”
“Good grief Schultz you are indeed exhibiting the most considerable anxiety.”
“Never mind what the fuck I’m exhibiting. What do the symptoms exhibit.”
“Well anyone would think you’d caught it the way you’re pacing around there.”
“What are the fucking symptoms. And Binky while you’re falling off the chair spilling your brandy and laughing you can fucking well stop thinking this is so fucking funny. Come on your Lordship.”
“Schultz you won’t believe it when I tell you.”
“Come on fucking well tell me. I’m waiting here for christ’s sake.”
“O god Schultz it’s just dawned on me. Could this be a just retribution. For the stream of au pairs you’ve corrupted in and out of your bed. And Schultz, my god, one is beginning to think that girl wasn’t just simply scrubbing your floors. May we assume perhaps that you were rather friendlier with her than master and servant custom usually permits. And were up her or engaged in behaviour akin to being so.”