“No I was not.”
“Well then why are you sweating.”
“Well holy shit I mean you know, you meet the odd girl here and there and so I got to watch out, don’t I.”
“Well of course quite, we must all watch out. But for a moment there Schultz, you really had me worried. Because my god I haven’t yet told you the worst.”
“The worst.”
“Precisely. The lady was also suffering from another vicious chronic disease as well. In the form of a mouth fungus.”
“O hey Jesus, come on, stop.”
“And Schultz. And you’ll never believe this. She was also thought to possibly have mumps.”
“Now I don’t believe you. Fungus and mumps for fucks sake. Come on, you’re having me on. Next you’ll be telling me that the mouth fungus can make you sterile.”
“O no it doesn’t. That only happens with the Oriental Venereal Plague Schultz. But of course even the mildest form of this plague could make you impotent if it attacks the testicles. But as you know mumps may also lead to inflammation of the balls.”
“You’re trying to tear my whole god damn life down.”
“Not at all Schultz. Simply warning you. The mouth fungus only causes loosening and loss of the teeth.”
“Only. Jesus.”
“Especially this particular variety known as the Rotterdam Rot. But then I very much regret to say that the fungus will be the least of your worries if this chronic vesicular gangrene chancre in its secondary stage ravages your entrails.”
“Gangrene. I got to get to the fumigators fast.”
“Of course Schultz the wretched affliction was brought in by sailors to that busiest of European ports. But think of the things you could have caught Schultz. Leprosy. Island isolation and that type of thing.”
“Jesus I got to sit down again.”
“Binky, some more brandy for our fellow director. And you know Schultz it makes one realise what a marvellous and dedicated medical service we have here. Chaps who have through tireless work traced the origins of these dread diseases.”
“Holy shit, I don’t need brandy I need a drink of fucking water.”
“Binky would you mind awfully getting our cherished and esteemed fellow director a glass of water. We shouldn’t of course like our chef or secretaries especially Rebecca, to get wind of these matters. Also I’m afraid Schultz is so overwrought he may not be entirely able to see straight and could easily fall down the lift shaft rushing into the wrong aperture.”
“But of course your Amazing Grace. I’ll fetch water. But dear me does this mean our dear fellow director Schultz here may end up having to wear a Lazarus rattle to warn of his approach. And someone behind him to sweep up his teeth.”’
“Don’t worry the two of you, I may be sitting here looking collapsed god damn it, but I can still see straight and I’m not going to need any rattle either. Or someone picking up my teeth.”
Binky at the office door. Pausing to twiddle and tap his fingers as he elevated himself up and down on his toes and released wind in a series of small elegant pops.
“Please don’t mind my rear portal’s post luncheon fanfare. Asparagus, scampi and Chablis invariably pop out of me like this. I am just having a look see in the hall to make sure none of our staff are listening to this unfortunate discussion we are having. Ah all’s clear. And now perhaps Schultz, in view of the grave risk to your future health, you’d like us to take over your production for you.”
In the sudden silence the pigeons cooing out on the rooftop. And his Lordship hardly ever the type to lose his composure unwillingly, suddenly standing, turning his back and going to the window to rearrange and straighten his face wracked by his choked up guffaws. His fingers pressing his stomach to stop the muscles from ripping asunder. And looking out across to the other office buildings to contain himself. As Schultz, leaping to his feet, sunglasses suddenly off. His elbows out from his sides as he stood crouched, one eye puffed and black, right fist clenched and disbelieving horror written all over his face.
“Why you dirty rats.”
Binky slowly rising on his toes as if to reach his ears further in the direction of some rare bird song.
“I beg your pardon, Schultz.”
“You heard me. You dirty rats. Now I know what you’re up to. When you see a guy is down. That’s what you do. You move right in. Like vultures. To pick the flesh off my fucking bones.”
“We’d hardly want to do that with your bones Schultz, poxed up and fungus ridden as they may possibly be.”
“Jesus what human beings you are.”
“Schultz I feel somehow you’re withholding something from us. That in fact you did plunge it eighteen miles or so up the au pair’s orifice.”
“I did like fucking hell plunge it up her orifice. And what’s more you fucking well know I didn’t.”
“Ah Schultz, at last. Binky and I are relieved. And your terribly anxious upset attitude about this matter is, forgive me, I must say it, no longer highly suspicious. And we can all relax and even consider shaking hands with you again without nasty thoughts of contagion. And we don’t think you’re down. Temporarily dismayed perhaps. And after you are cured.”
“Cured. I’m not sick yet.”
“Well just in case you needed to be cured. Then later we would gladly let you back in on a piece of the action. To use one of your more endearing phrases.”
“Let me in on a piece of the action. Me. Who’s sweated my guts out on a shoestring and with contracts already signed that could hang me. It’s still my fucking show. And no diseases from some dirty Dutch bitch from Rotterdam is going to make it otherwise.”
“That’s unchivalrous of you to say Schultz, she was after all an attractive girl, outwardly at least. And any of us could be forgiven had we taken an interlocking orifice liberty with her.”
“Stop saying orifice, will you. I took no fucking liberties with anybody. And I’m just upset because, well I’m just a good citizen that’s all.”
“You are a foreigner Schultz.”
“What difference does that make. I can still behave like a good citizen. Diseases like that bitch brought to town, I’m concerned. It stands to fucking reason.”
“Dear me Schultz, you are at the most unexpected of times quite commendable and I am relieved to hear of your fervent sense of civic duty and I think I speak on behalf of all of us here at Sperm Productions who might have risked contagion from you. But of course I do hope you’ll understand Schultz if one still keeps one’s breathing distance away.”
His Lordship in his rumpled dark blue gabardine suit, turning again to confront Schultz. Whose tie knot was now loose and askew at his throat and three of his buttons open on his shirt as he stood, his sunglasses back on, jerking his thumb.
“If fucking Binky I can hear busting his gut laughing out there in the hall caught it he’d find it a lot less fucking amusing, let me tell you.”
“Indeed, Schultz, that stands, to use your terminology, to fucking reason. But surely the word fucking is no longer called for as an adjective in this discussion. Especially as you imply you did not do any with the lady in question. And were then and are now, merely an innocent calm citizen.”
“Holy shit. I’m never totally calm. Anyway what do you want me to say. Don’t I have enough troubles. She was in my house. Eating my food. Taking in milk bottles off my stoop. And touched and had her fingers all over the milk caps. It happens plenty of times. But just in case, I got to know what the doctors say you should do.”