“Ah I knew you’d be too intelligent a man not to ask me that sooner or later. Sure it’s nothing more than me temperamental impatient creditors. They have no consideration of any kind. It’s been the only safe place I’ve been able to get a decent night’s sleep. And I have a grand little mausoleum nearly to meself. The other chap who is in there using it, is the quietest sleeper you’d ever meet this side of heaven.”
“There are two of you in there.”
“Ah god it’s good to be in the company of a man as fierce intelligent as yourself. That’s correct. In a manner of speaking. There are two of us. And the other fellow I presume owns our little house, built in the Grecian style and he doesn’t pass many remarks. Not since I would think August fourteenth nineteen thirteen when he was laid to rest. A baronet no less. And I don’t mind telling you it’s a relief to stretch out next to a bit of elegance and not to have to doss down next to the flotsam and jetsam of London society as I’ve had upon recent occasion to do.”
Schultz wasted no time in begging his Lordship to send his faithful chauffeur Hubert to the pub. Now nearly closing time at three o’clock. To ferry them in suitable style back to Belgravia.
“Ah my dear Schultz, of course you can have my motor. So good to hear from you my dear and I trust your balls have not dropped off yet.”
“Holy shit don’t remind me. But let me tell you everybody in this business is soon going to be in for a big fucking surprise.”
“Ah do I take that to mean Schultz that finally your pubic hair has fallen completely out.”
“Your Lordship if I didn’t at this second desperately need this favour you’re doing me I’d tell you to go fuck yourself.”
“And I should dearly love to be able to Schultz, as it would save me squandering so much money on reluctant ladies.”
As the car arrived purring up to the curb, Magillacurdy bathed in a beam of afternoon sunshine, was on the pavement rendering the soliloquy from Hamlet. With his tree trunk legs astride, several fly buttons undone, bottles of stout stuck in his pockets, arms outstretched, and head jutting forward. Gathering a traffic stopping crowd who were as the last words trembled from Magillacurdy’s lips, clapping and cheering in their tracks. Magillacurdy announcing as he bowed and entered the long gleaming limousine.
“Come and see me on opening night, all of you marvellously charming people. Sure it’s only here in the fruit market where you can still find decent cultured citizens in abundance.”
Schultz with his sunglasses on as Magillacurdy ensconced back in the soft upholstery, his coal miner’s boots with their steel studs propped up on the jump seat and pulling off his sweater and turning it inside out.
“Ah it’s pleasantly obvious you’re a successful producer me boyo and a vehicle like this calls for me best boot forward and in this case it’s a matter of me soup stains being put towards me skin instead of out to the world.”
The limousine slowly threading the crowded market of parked and manoeuvring lorries laden with the shiny light brown skins of onions, the fluffy white of cauliflowers, flame colored carrots, pale emerald cabbages and deep red peppers, all fresh in from the countryside.
“Ah me boyo here I am recently starving and look at this, enough to feed ten million.”
The limousine purring through the sweet smell of oranges, lemons and purple plums, crated and stacked. Porters rumbling by with heaped up carts. Others gathered with hands holding their white cups of tea. The brass plates on doorways of publishers, literary agents and tailors along Henrietta Street. Magillacurdy royally waving and grinning murmuring his acknowledgments to inquisive looks from the passing people.
“Ah to fuck you. And you too. Yes and even you madam. Would be such sweet paradise.”
The motor chariot picking up speed along the Strand. Its theatres, hotels, shops and eating houses. Magillacurdy touching a switch to electrically lower his window. And leaning forward out of his seat, to stick his head and shoulders out into the breeze and shout as the car passed through the throngs going to and from the main line station of Charing Cross.
“Help, help. I’m being kidnapped. Help.”
“Holy shit Patrick. Jesus. We’re going to get arrested again.”
“You and the chauffeur are going to be arrested, not me. I’m being abducted.”
Folk stopping to stare at the passing glistening vehicle. Hubert wide eyed turning to see what on earth was happening the other side of the glass division in the back of his limousine until he had to slam on his brakes as he smashed luckily lightly into the big red bus in front.
“Ah sure that put you on tenterhooks didn’t it now. Every bobby for miles will have his truncheon at the ready for us.”
Magillacurdy taking a bottle of stout out of his pocket and ripping the cap off with his teeth. Schultz wiping the perspiration from his brow as they finally drove through Admiralty Arch and sped along the Mall under the plane trees straight at Buckingham Palace.
“Ah now me boyo till you met me you had yourself a nice little life, hadn’t you. And I don’t mind saying I’m glad we’ve met as recently as we did. Sure one minute I’m in a cemetery, the next in prison and the next, without a farthing in me pocket and me belly full, sure I’m heading down the Mall sumptuous as you please on a set of velvet wheels. Should we, do you think, pop out now into the palace and give Her Majesty a thrill. Ah sure, with good reason you believe everything I say and I’m frightening you to death there in the corner, I can see that.”
At the door of number four on Schultz’s town house stoop stood waiting the Director, the Author, the Choreographer, and the husband and wife composing team, all summoned down from the Dorchester. Schultz and Magillacurdy alighting from the limousine just as the Debutant with her script couched in her arm stepped out of a taxi. Schultz, dropping pound notes out of his wallet as he went rushing over to pay for her fare. As Magillacurdy behind picked them up and came looming in over the Debutant’s blond shoulder.
“Ah me darling let me greet you.”
Magillacurdy sweeping the Debutant off her feet, hugging and kissing her in his arms. And carrying her bodily all the way up into Schultz’s front hall where in her neat slightly rumpled grey flannel suit, she was deposited arse first with a thump on the floor. But before she could shed tears Magillacurdy had her up once more on her feet hugging her.
“Ah now my lovely darling pardon me violence but I always like to see if me leading ladies will bounce. That way I can always tell how far I can safely drop them. O.K. where’s the script me boyo. Just give me a look at it so’s to see it isn’t an awful bunch of appalling rubbish and if it is, why don’t despair and fuck the author out the door on the end of a boot, for I just so happen to have me trusty pencil here in me pocket to brush it up a bit. A few little phrases and poetic flourishes here and there and I can put quality and beauty into even the most diabolical piece of trash.”
Schultz introducing the newly discovered stars to the Director, Author, Choreographer and Composers. Grimaces creeping over their smiles as Magillacurdy’s massive fist painfully compressed all the knuckles offered him. Especially the leather coated Director’s with his pink cravat and golf safety pin at the neck of his bright blue shirt. With Magillacurdy’s massive miner’s boots immediately stepping on the toes of this thin gentleman’s silver buckled shiny patent leather slippers.
“Ah now, it’s you who is to direct us in this is it. And I suppose you think you’re the cat’s whiskers.”
“Not exactly.”
“Not exactly is it. Then maybe you think you’re able to fart out your arse every masterly word Shakespeare wrote. And are god’s gift to the theatre. And that poor ignorant actors like meself will be dying to be told what to do by the nearly bald likes of you. Ah but I can see fear in your eyes. And I can read your mind. That what on earth am I going to do with this monster. Well I’ll relieve you of your anxiety. And tell you right here and now that I’m a fair man. And before I hammer the daylights out of you and your pretensions, I will give you a chance to prove yourself. Sure let’s get on with the script now.”