The warm pink sun sinking beyond the rooftops of Belgravia. At the sacred hour of tea time. Each chair in the mellow panelled drawing room occupied. The Debutant’s open script propped demurely atop her uppermost knee of her crossed legs. Magillacurdy stretched back in an armchair, head resting, booted feet akimbo, as he pulled his sweater up and down like a shade on his hairy pink belly while trepidatiously watched open mouthed and wide eyed by the Director, Author, Choreographer and Composers who had just witnessed a series of life chilling imitations of most of the world’s reigning stars of all ethnic persuasions and accents.
“Ah now, I challenge any of you to tell me that my mimic and mime isn’t more like the man than he is himself.”
Schultz, stationed in his corner by the window, hand clapped his appreciation. And was hesitatingly joined by the rest of his production team. And when the blond Debutant started reading her script, Magillacurdy reaching his own lines, suddenly jumped to his feet, arms waving, voice booming as he declaimed and sang back and forth with the delighted actress. The Director attempting to be part of the theatrical miracle, dropped crouching on one knee, and was promptly swept over backwards thumping on his arse as a gesticulating arm of Magillacurdy’s whistled over his bald head.
“Ah pardon me you’re getting in the way of me words.”
Schultz removing his sunglasses at this stunning rendition. The author smiling in astonishment. The Composer and wife team making notes on their pad and regarding each other with blissful reassurance. With the words of this show nearly shattering the windows of Schultz’s drawing room. Where this producer now licked his lips by the window drapes trying to suppress his greediest of smiles. As he stood utterly pleased watching people stop to listen awed in the street. After all these months and wakeful distressing weeks. Here before one now. A showbizz team to erupt beyond the footlights. And send critics everywhere. Into dizzy inspired paeans of praise. And dare it ever be said. Even whispered.
Holy shit
I have
A Hit
Which at last
May not be
On the back
Of my
Head
8
Even as Schultz’s audition raged his Lordship was already being besieged by the police regarding urgent particulars and explanations concerning the kidnapping effected in his motor chariot that afternoon in the Strand. And his Lordship as he tried to ring found Schultz’s phone busy. For just following his guests’ departure with all piling into his Royal Grace’s limousine to be delivered to their various destinations, Schultz had grabbed the phone.
“This you Al.”
“Speaking.”
“Sigmund here. Jesus christ Al, the fucking guy is a genius, I’m telling you. All I can say is my humble thanks.”
“I told you didn’t I.”
“Yes you did Al. Only you didn’t tell me Magillacurdy scares the shit out of everybody in sight. Except the Debutant who fortunately thinks he’s marvellous. The Dircetor was trembling in his tracks.”
“Good. So now you decide why don’t you that you’re going to keep your nose clean and treat that beautiful creature I sent you nice.”
“Jesus Al do you always have to get back on that subject so fast.”
“Look I’m like the girl’s father she ain’t got. All she’s got is a mother.”
“Her mother is the size of three fathers already for Christ’s sake.”
“Boy you are a real funny guy you are talking about a woman who has a serious condition.”
“She’s got a fucking serious appetite, Al, that’s what she’s got.”
“So we all eat too much.”
“Anyway Al you got my best four complimentary seats in the house for opening night.”
“Don’t worry about complimentary, I’m paying for them seats on principle. All I want you to do is take alright care of the girl.”
“Don’t worry Al I’m taking her out to a party the Ambassador’s throwing across the street.”
“That’s good.”
“But Al I got a problem. And Jesus, it really is very personal. Can I trust you.”
“Sure.”
“You sure I can trust you, really trust you.”
“Sure didn’t I just say so.”
“It’s the most confidential thing I’ve ever said in my life.”
“You haven’t said it yet.”
“O.K. Al I’m going to say it. Well the fucking bloody thing is I might have some kind of Oriental clap. What should I do.”
“Why you fucking dirty son of a bitch.”
“Jesus Al stop screaming.”
“Stop screaming. Why you cunt you. You should be stopped fucking that’s what.”
“Will you please listen Al.”
“Listen, you want me to listen. To this. When you could already contaminate that girl.”
“Al if you’d only listen that’s exactly what I told her myself. That I could contaminate her. She was begging me Al to.”
“Begging you to contaminate her.”
“Yes.”
“You mean you did it. You contaminated her.”
“Shit Al you don’t understand.”
“Did you contaminate her. I’m asking you.”
“Yes Al. I did. I contaminated her.”
“Hey just let me tell you. Even with my heart condition I’m coming over there. And I’m going to beat your lousy brains out. You son of a bitch.”
“Don’t bust a blood vessel shouting Al. You don’t understand how it all fucking well was.”
“You son of a bitch I understand. You’d put your prick in a fucking mangle if you thought it would squeeze off your rocks.”
“Hey look Al I got to hang up somebody’s just coming in my door. Believe me I’ll explain everything later. I’m hanging up. Goodbye.”
Pricilla pushing in the front door with her arm full of packages. Schultz rushing to help. Catching a foot in the telephone cord and clanging the instrument off the table to the floor.
“Holy shit that’s all I need now is to break the phone. What have you got here honey.”
“O just some things. And did I hear you say I was just somebody coming in your door.”
“Yeah. Sorry. You did. What kind of things you got.”
“A dress or two.”
“Where did you get them.”
“Fortnum’s. And why don’t you put the phone back on the hook.”
“Don’t worry about the phone. Worry about Fortnum’s. You want to watch it. That’s an expensive place.”
“O not really.”
“What do you mean not really.”
“Well I put them on your account, I didn’t think you’d mind.”
“Now hold it baby, how much was a dress or two.”
“Well they were only four hundred and eighteen pounds for two. Reduced.”
“For two. Reduced. You mean increased. From what you could have got in a cheaper store. Or I could have got wholesale for half what you paid. Four hundred and eighteen pounds, for Christ’s sakes. That I’m paying for. You could have asked me. And if you did I would have said fucking well no. With a capital N.”
“Your shouting is spitting on me. And I’ll take them back if that’s the way you feel.”
“You take them back honey, and quick right fucking well now take them back.”
“The store is closed. I thought you wanted me to look nice for the Ambassador’s party.”
“What. Look nice for four hundred quid. You could look devastating for a tenth the price in a dress you already got. You can’t just go in a store and spend that much of my money.”