“Ah, yes, just as I thought, this nicely rounded young lady is worthy of an audition. I do love the way they sincerely stare out at me so absolutely intent upon stardom.”
“My god Binky, this invitation is absolutely genuine.”
“Of course it is my dear, haven’t I just attempted to make such an impression upon you. Do you suppose your Royal Grace that someone at the Royal Palace got his hands on the wrong mailing list.”
“Binky you must put it properly back in its envelope and reseal it with haste.”
“Ah now, my good Lord. Let us not be too hasty. Let us consider a few points first. For a start the palace advisers will with dismay, be reeling with the impact of Schultz’s recent publicity. And of course they may, being so formidably possessed as they are with good breeding, not revoke Schultz’s invitation. But I mean can we, as directors of Sperm Productions, now allow a grimly certain faux pas to befall Her Majesty. I mean one would not be concerned of course were it just the ordinary royals. But the Queen herself. Ye gads. Tantamount to treason, that would be. I mean even, in the regrettable name of this firm, to bring our warning to the attention of the Sovereign’s private secretary is heinous. But now with all this over newspapers. And with our Schultzy boy previously worried to a frazzle as he was over the diseases we made him think he had, he absolutely is bound to commit the most fatal type of indiscretion which will reflect disagreeably upon this company. And I speak as chairman.”
“Binky you really must reseal this.”
“I shall this second. By my dear Lord Nectarine are you suggesting I allow this travesty to take place. I mean the likes of Schultz rubbing elbows with just your usual Royals, as I’ve already said, that is highly amusing. But the Sovereign. Who holds what’s left of our fading empire together. O dear dear me I dread to think. Dread to conceive. Can you imagine. Hey gee hi ya queenie, glad to make your acquaintance, my whole fucking cast was just fucking kidnapped and got a lot of good fucking publicity, and do you want to invest in my fucking new show, Boom Madam Bang Madam Pop Madam Pop or whatever the wretched thing had just recently been renamed. You, my dearest Royal Grace are only too familiar yourself with his behaviour.”
“Binky I think you must calm yourself.”
“And let my country and my Queen down, never. Although I’m sure one will much content oneself in knowing and admiring the magical way in which the Sovereign’s acolytes will gently sidestep merely without word or motion, the kind of embarrassments presented by the Schultzes of this world.”
“Ah god bless poor dear old Schultz.”
“What’s that. Good gracious Basil, my dear. I mean you Lord Nectarine might imagine that all this is just hoo ha over nothing. But I remain most concerned. Did you know that Schultz on a previous occasion of rubbing shoulders in the better circles, not only borrowed a cigarette from a member of the royal family but also requested a match. Did your Royal Grace know that.”
“No I did not Binky.”
“I was there. And of course I sank immediately downwards under the arches of some nice lady’s high heels. And amid the first hushed horror that the first request produced, absolute gasps followed by stunned whispers all over the place greeted Schultz’s asking of a light. Hey honey baby you got a light. Fortunately it was given by a nearby equerry. But of course your Amazing Grace, indeed, not only did this social clanger provoke the usual remarks of how did that person get in here. But most astonishingly Schultzy boy was, by the royal female personage who had given him the cigarette, also invited to lunch. Now how do we account for that. Can you elicit an insight from your long and unhurried moments mingling in such circles. It’s taxed my mind to the limit. I absolutely haven’t got a clue.”
“Times are changing you know Binky.”
“Yes and how sad my Lord.”
“And Binky we must not overlook the fact that Schultz is possessed of some faculty enabling him to blithely ignore some of the more superficial niceties. And I do think he is rather blessedly oblivious to his either being rejected or accepted.”
“Ah. Speak of the devil. You’re back Schultz. We were just this moment discussing you.”
Schultz with the knot of his tie undone. His Lordship’s fedora on his head. Sunglasses gleaming.
“Hey you fucking guys. You’re not trying to dream up more shit to put me through. My doctor’s bills cost me a fortune. You sons of bitches. And Binky, I suspect it’s you who dreamed up my diseases.”
“That aspersion you so rashly cast is wounding Schultz.”
“You nearly worried me out of my mind. I could have gone crazy if I didn’t have so much other fucking god damn things happening to me.”
“Ah Schultz, dear Schultz. We were only trying to keep your mind off your production worries.”
“Well boy, shit you nearly did. But boy let me tell you this tycoon. Five words it took him. How much do you need. And I told him. And a second later he said I’ll take half. Hey any mail for me.”
“Right there Schultz. Right there.”
“Hey what’s going on. Why are you guys looking at me like that.”
“Ah Schultz we look at you for three reasons. Firstly to see if any other symptoms of any other dread disease may have become obvious. And then we look at you because we like you. And lastly we look at you because we think you behave exactly like a hungry monkey.”
“Thanks a lot. But right now folks who cares what I look like. I haven’t a fucking worry in the whole wide world. But when half the show’s investment’s taken is that all you guys got to say to me.”
Schultz opening his Royal envelope. Taking out the stiff white card and after a brief glance, unceremoniously stuffing the invitation in his jacket side pocket.
“Except to say Schultz you don’t seem to pay much attention to your mail these days. That letter you just crammed in your pocket looked rather emblazoned with engravings that might incline one to think it was an important invitation.”
“Look at you fucking guys playing games while I got things on my mind. Hey why don’t the two of you guys get married and have fucking children.”
“Ah Schultz you really are, aren’t you full of wonderful ideas.”
“Well all you do is hang around here like you know where your next million is coming from. And both of you fucking well do. But I don’t.”
“But Schultz his Royal Grace and I distinctly thought we saw a communication, indeed something which appeared might even be from the Royal Palace.”
“So.”
“So Schultz we would love to see it.”
“Jesus you guys haven’t you ever seen a royal invitation before.”
“Well I’m sure his Amazing Grace has seen many but such as myself is not always invited to every top occasion and the word frequently could never apply to the number of times I have popped into the palace. Surely in view of my socially deprived situation you can let me in on the royal communication.”
“I’m really sorry you guys, you know how it is in those circles, I can’t tell you a single thing about it. But you know how everyone over there in the palace is always trying to rub shoulders in show business.”
“I must confess Schultz you really do have us stumped. Neither his Amazing Grace nor I know of such inclinations of the Royal Family.”
Schultz changing into a new silk shirt he’d bought and towards the waning afternoon following Schultz’s smooth telephone conversations with less resisting investors, there nevertheless appeared a certain anxiety creeping over Schultz with his increased visits to the water closet. And it especially became apparent, when Schultz pretending to search the telephone book for new possible showbizz victims, was yet again overheard screaming at Rebecca, his Lordship’s and Binky’s adored shapely and charming secretary.