“I’ll kill you, that’s who I’ll kill.”
“Get your fucking hands off me, you tub of lard.”
Mrs. Prune pounding forward. Her arms grabbing around the stark naked Schultz. As his one free hand grabbed out clutching at her hair. Which holy shit. No. My god. The whole fucking thing is coming off her completely bald head. This is the end of my life. If only I could get to the window to jump. Like her husband did. Out away from this Arab Israeli war to end all wars.
“Give me back my hair.”
“Let fucking go of me.”
Schultz shaking loose. Pricilla arms flailing. Agnes, arms up shielding her face, still gasping for air. Schultz throwing punches. Landing sinking in these bottomless bosoms. O god. I can’t look. The sight makes me sick. She looks like a man. Except for her mountainous tits. Fucking hell the behemoth is going to hit me with the rest of the broken lamp.
“Put that down you bitch.”
“My daughter. You’re trying to make her miscarry.”
“Shit, stop, stop everybody.”
“Look at you. Look at you. Disgusting pervert. With your penis erected. I’m going to smash that prick and balls with this lamp.”
The bald headed behemoth stalking him. Schultz circling backing away. Sounds of sobbing. Agnes hands up to her face. Pricilla at the bedside, fists clenched, snarling down.
“That’s what you deserve you sneaky slut.”
“You’ve hurt me, my neck, you’ve hurt me.”
“Next time it will be your brains I’ll knock out. And you get out of this house. And I never want to set eyes on or speak to you again. Who do you think you are.”
“I am your best friend. He came in. He had nowhere to go.”
“Except up you, is that right.”
“No no. Nothing. Not a thing happened. He said he was cold and hungry.”
“For a piece of ass as he always is.”
“We did nothing. And you’ve scratched my face.”
“I smell his sperm.”
“Please, Pricilla. Leave me alone. Leave me alone.”
Schultz cornered between the dresser and the window. One of the landlord’s ersatz antique chairs held legs up jabbing at Mrs. Prune. By the dawn’s early light. Cold draught of air on my arse. The behemoth standing, her eyes wide eyed. Staring transfixed. Catching her breath. Holy Jesus the most horrible obscene sight of my existence. They saw you get a hard on at a hanging. She’s mesmerized. Can’t take her eyes off it. Give it a twitch. For once in my life my stiff prick is saving me from a broken arse. With an erection you could use as a high diving board. Giving such signals. And making in this situation my prick go wagging up and down pointing at the bald behemoth. Still got her jet black wig in my hand. Just watch me. I’m going to god damn well put it on. Top of my head.
And go
Fucking
Gay
25
Ding a ling a ling. Jesus what’s that. Ringing. I fell asleep again. Dreaming I was walking bare arsed across the desert in the setting sun towards the Grand Canyon. Dragging tattered clothes behind me. Mumbling to myself that the only thing left to do was die and forget. Then suddenly I’m running. When who should come chasing two miles behind me. His stiff prick out two miles six inches long. Nudging me in the ass. Fucking Herbie. Sylvia’s twat was the canyon ahead. No escaping nightmares. Break my arm reaching for this telephone.
“Hello.”
“So that’s where you are.”
“Where am I. Who’s this.”
“This is Al. So now you’re at the Dorchester.”
“Holy Jesus Al, I’ve had a night.”
“You’re telling me you had a night. Other people had one too.”
“Al what time is it.”
“Don’t ask me the time. My god you’re a skunk.”
“Al I had to check into this place at five a.m. with a shoe and sock missing off one foot. Shirt torn.”
“So what’s new about that. Last time I heard you were there wearing the vertical half of a morning suit and jamming up the doors of the hotel with the other half.”
“Holy christ Al. Be a friend for a second. What time is it. I got to be in Court this morning and I lost my watch and I can’t turn my neck to look at the clock on the wall because I was nearly strangled last night.”
“Tell me if it is correct that you’re married already.”
“Yes Al it’s correct. Unfortunately.”
“So I’m asking you just one question. I want to know why do you do it. Why.”
“Why do I do what, Al.”
“Try to fuck every woman you come across.”
“The production’s at stake. And you ask that.”
“Yes, why. I want to know why.”
“Al. When I tell you, you’re not going to believe me.”
“You just tell me that’s all.”
“I’m looking for true love, Al.”
Schultz holding the telephone to his ear with his shoulder. Reaching for a glass of water. Ferrying it up from the bedside table. Silence and breathing the other end of the line. Jesus Al mustn’t have been ready for that one. So convinced is he that there are no finer feelings in me.
“Hello, Al. You still there.”
“I’m still here.”
“Well Al, that’s why I have to fuck all these women.”
“Jesus, you would even demean love, wouldn’t you.”
“Shit Al, I mean it. I’m looking for a girl I can love.”
“You don’t know what love is. You know what rape is. That’s what you know. Like you did last night. Is that how you look for love.”
“Al. Rape. Who did I rape now. Who.”
“You raped Agnes. Then attempted rape on Pricilla’s mother.”
“Raped Agnes. Holy shit. Fuck a duck. Now look what you made me do. Spill my fucking water all over me in bed.”
“Good.”
“Al I already got to go to Court. In a borrowed pair of shoes and socks from the hotel. Don’t abuse me this time of the day. I’ve got to be at action stations over the show. Have you seen the reviews. Can you imagine what my life’s been like I haven’t even seen them yet.”
“Yeah I saw. They stink.”
“Holy shit. All of them.”
“Every one but two. One written by an imbecile. And the other by a guy thought he was writing about some other show.”
“Al, I’ll ring you back. I got to take an awful crap.”
“You crap. That’s all you’re good for. Don’t bother to call me back. Because this is just to say on behalf of your investors to close the show immediately and cut losses.”
“The investors can go fuck themselves Al. I’ll close when I decide to close.”
“That’s exactly the constant kind of irresponsible stupid behaviour I’ve come to expect from you.”
“O come on, Al. Do you always have to be like the way you always are. It’s only a little more money we could lose.”
“It’s not your money you’re losing.”
“Al don’t be a geriatric grandmother. What are you going to do leave me friendless now.”
“You son of a bitch. Pricilla’s mother is under intensive psychiatric care as a result of you. You pulled her wig off. Traumatized her.”
“Please don’t make me feel sick Al. Please. Not before I even have breakfast with the waiter knocking at the door this second. Come in. How was I to know she had a wig jumping out of the dark at me in my own fucking house which is now like a circus where I live that I have to move into a hotel.”
“You tried to rape her too. Your own mother in law and right in front of your wife.”
“Al. Are you crazy. Touch that hell hag ogre. I couldn’t under pain of death put my prick in that. I’d rather put it in a mincer. You just don’t understand.”
“I understand. After you pulled her wig off you charged at her with your upraised prick. Which plus your balls should be put into a mincer.”