Wren came through from the kitchen when she heard us at the front door.
“How’d it g—?” She laughed. “You look like you’ve been in a pastry dough fight.”
“Yeah,” I said, “if dough weighs several hundred pounds and dries like glue.”
She gave me an odd look. “That’s exactly what pastry dough does.”
“How was I s’posed to know?” I said with a laugh. Then I looked at Christy, whose expression had changed. “What’s the matter?”
She shook off her daydream and grinned guiltily. “All the pastry talk. I’m hungry again.”
“Then come on,” Wren said with a chuckle. “Let me whip you something up.”
“I’m going to shower while I can get some hot water,” I said.
Christy nodded and rose on tiptoes for a kiss.
“Then I need to make a phone call,” I added. I caught Wren’s eye to make sure she understood.
She nodded and put her arm around Christy. They headed toward the kitchen without a backward glance.
I thought about what I wanted to say (for the umpteenth time) while I was in the shower. Part of me felt like I had a date with an executioner, but another part was looking forward to life without guilt.
When I couldn’t stall any longer, I closed my bedroom door and picked up the phone. My pulse quickened as I dialed Gina’s number.
“Hello?”
“Hey, it’s me.”
“Hey! I was just thinking about you.” Something about her tone made me pause, but I plowed ahead anyway.
“I know this is gonna sound like a weird question, but is Regan home?”
“Yeah, she is. Why?”
“Just… well… I guess I don’t want you to be alone.”
“Why? Is everything okay?”
“Yeah. But… we need to talk.”
“Oh.”
That single word almost broke my heart.
“Wait a sec,” she said. “Lemme go to my room.” I heard a door close.
“Okay, now we can talk. And… I kinda knew this was coming.”
“How?”
“Your voice the other night. Your last letter. Lots of things.”
I nodded. “So… where should I begin?”
“Before you do, I need to tell you something too.”
“Go ahead,” I said, surprised.
“I… um… I’ve been thinking the same thing.”
“You have?”
“Yeah. I was gonna call you in a couple of days.”
“So it wasn’t just me?”
“No.”
“I really wanted to make it work,” I said, “but…”
“Me too. And I thought we could. When I saw you at the wedding, it was like we were back in high school and everything was perfect.”
“Exactly.”
“No Kendall, no sorority, no distractions.”
“Just us.”
“Right. But then I came home, and…”
“Real life hit. Yeah, I understand. Same here.”
“I thought we could make the long-distance thing work, but…”
“It takes ten days to have a conversation in the mail.”
“No kidding,” she said. “And neither of us called enough.”
“I was always too busy.”
“Me too. At least, that’s what I told myself.”
“What d’you mean?”
“Well, I called other people all the time, friends here,” she said. “But I never seemed to have time to call you.”
“Same here. I felt guilty about it.”
“And when I did call, I realized it was mostly because I wanted to have phone sex.”
I laughed. “I did the same thing, but with your letters. I kept hoping for something sexy about you and Heather that I could jerk off to.”
“Ha! For real?”
“Yeah. I felt really bad about that.”
“That makes two of us. I was angry after our last phone call. I mean, how
dare you be too tired to listen to me play with myself?”
“No kidding. And if it makes you feel any better, the little head thought I was an idiot. He totally wanted to have phone sex with you.”
“He always did have a mind of his own,” she said with a fond laugh.
We fell silent, since neither of us wanted to go down that path.
“I also noticed something,” she said at last.
“What?”
“Whenever we talked, it was always about the past. About Heather and prom night or movie night on the raft. Most of that was my fault—”
“Not entirely. I mean, I was half of those conversations.”
“Yeah, but I realized I was bringing up good memories, but never anything about the future. I guess it hit me when you told me you were working on a project with Christy.” She paused, and I waited for the other shoe to drop. “Tell me the truth,” she said at last. “Is she…?”
“More than a friend? Yes.”
“I thought so.”
“We aren’t technically boyfriend-girlfriend, but that hardly matters.”
“Have you had sex with her? I know I have no right to ask,” she added quickly, “but… I need to know.”
“No. We’ve kissed and fooled around, but that’s it.”
“I don’t know why that makes me happy, but it does.”
“I understand. And I’ll be honest, that was one of the reasons I didn’t want to have phone sex with you the other night.”
“I didn’t think it was only ’cause you were too tired.”
“It wasn’t. I didn’t want to cheat on her. And I didn’t want to lead you on.
I know that sounds crazy, but…”
“I get it. That’s why I wanted to know.”
“‘Cheating’ has always been emotional with us.”
“Exactly.”
“We can have sex with other people, but that’s just physical. Fidelity is emotional.”
She laughed softly. “You’re probably the only other person I know who feels that way. I never had a problem who you had sex with. Except Kendall.” Her voice turned flinty. “Don’t get me started. I still have a lot of hard feelings about her.”
“I don’t blame you.”
“I get so mad sometimes I could cry.”
“Some part of me will always love Kendall,” I said quietly, “but I understand. I still don’t like her very much.”
“I know. I guess a teeny-tiny part of me will love her too. But the part that hates her guts is a lot bigger.”
“Yeah. I’m really sorry about that. I screwed up. I was thinking with my dick.”
“You were! And I used to be really mad at you for it.”
“You aren’t anymore?”
“No, not really. I was a little worried that I might be, but then I saw you at the wedding. You’d changed so much… Then you seduced me all over again, like we were sixteen under the stars at camp.”
“Those were good times,” I said.
“The best.”
“But we can’t go back.”
“We can’t go back,” she echoed.
“I realized the same thing. I kept thinking of you in terms of things we’d done before. With Christy, I…”
“Think of things you want to do,” she said, “in the future.”
“You understand.”
“Yeah, I do. I mean, I haven’t found that person yet, but I know how it is.
You and I used to have it, but…”
“Not anymore.”
“No. And we couldn’t rekindle it.”
“That’s exactly the word I used,” I said, “when I was thinking about what I wanted to say to you.”
“Are you relieved I was thinking the same thing?”
“Relieved and surprised.”
“Surprised? Why? I know you better than anyone. Although…” She chuckled to herself. “Now that I think about it, I have to admit that I’m surprised too. Surprised that you called first. I mean, I could feel you pulling away, but I thought I’d have to be the one to end it.”
“Like last time.”
“Like last time,” she agreed.
“Maybe I’m a bit more mature this time.”
“For sure.” She laughed all of a sudden. “God, I sound like a Valley Girl.”
“It’s kinda cute.”
“Thanks.”
We fell silent for a long moment.
“I do still love you,” I said at last. “I know we were both afraid to say it before, but…”