By Christmas-time I was getting bulky and very easily tired.
Amelia took over what little entertaining we did. There was not a great deal as we were still in mourning for Stephen; but with a house such as the Minster there were certain obligations to the neighbourhood. It was a useful experience for me to see what must be done and to have an excuse for not taking a too active part in it.
Amelia had made another trip to Somerset and how I missed her!
I was hoping she would return and say that something had happened to prevent her taking the cottage, which was wrong of me, for I knew she wanted to get away and make a new life for herself.
However, everything seemed to be going according to her plans; the owner of the house was making arrangements for her departure and by May of the new year Amelia believed she would be gone.
When we were alone Aubrey said it was for the best. He knew that Amelia and I were good friends but it was not wise to have two mistresses in the same house. I accepted it now because I was hors de combat.
“But wait until you are fighting fit,” he said.
“There could be little disagreements.
“I am the j mistress here,” type of thing. I know you women. “
“It would not have been like that at all. If you think so, you don’t know me and you don’t know Amelia.”
“I know you very well, my love,” he said, smiling.
The thought came to me then: But how much do I know you, Aubrey?
The long-awaited time was coming nearer.
March blustered its way through the days in traditional fashion, coming in like a lion and going out like a lamb. April was the month of showers and flowers, so it was said. If was the month I had been waiting for ever since I knew how blessed I was to be.
Aubrey said: “I’m going to send for Nanny Benson.”
“Is that your old nanny?”
“Yes.”
“She must be very old.”
“Old … but not too old.”
“I think perhaps we should choose someone younger.”
“Good Lord no! The heavens would fall if there was a baby at the Minster and Nanny Benson not in charge.”
“I will see her, then.”
He laughed.
“You’ll not only see her, my darling, you’ll engage her.
She looked after Stephen and me and she always said she would come back and look after our children. “
“How old was she when she looked after you?”
“Quite young … as nannies go. Thirty-five perhaps … when she left us.”
“Well, she must be at least sixty now.”
“She’s perennially young.”
“How long is it since you’ve seen her?”
“About a year or so. She comes to see us now and then. She was very upset about Stephen, although I believe I was always her favourite.”
I was not very pleased at the idea, but I thought that as Aubrey was so fond of his old nanny, it might be a good idea to have her. She had evidently been devoted to the family.
I talked to Amelia about her.
“Oh yes, Nanny Benson,” she said.
“She used to visit us now and then. Stephen thought that I should have her when …”
I said quickly: “She is an old retainer. I know how important they are in families like this.”
And I left it at that.
Nanny Benson arrived a week before the birth. My fears receded, for she was so much the typical nanny. If she was sixty she did not look so old.
She was garrulous and immediately looked on me as one of her charges.
She told me, in detail, anecdotes from the childhood of her boys, Aubrey and Stephen.
I thought her methods might be a little old-fashioned, but as Aubrey was so insistent that she should be in the nursery, I thought we might have a younger woman as well who should be of my choosing. But I did not want to be too much encumbered by a nursery staff. I intended to do a great deal of the looking after of my baby myself.
Th-n the day came. My pains started in the early morning and before nightfall I was delivered of a fine healthy boy.
I had never been so happy as when I lay back exhausted in my bed and they put my son in my arms.
He might look like an old gentleman of ninety with a red and wrinkled face, but to me he was the most beautiful thing on Earth.
From that moment he was my life.
The weeks which followed were completely given to him. I could not bear him to be out of my sight. I wanted to do everything for him. I knew now what it was to love another person wholeheartedly. When he cried I was in an agony of fear that something might be wrong with him; when he crowed to show he was content, I was blissfully happy. As soon as I awoke in the morning I would go to his cradle to assure myself that he was still alive. When I fancied he knew me, I was ecstatically happy.
He was to be called Julian. It was a name which had been used quite frequently in the St. Clare family.
Aubrey said: “One day, all this will be his. So it is as well to make a proper St. Clare of him. ” Aubrey was proud to have a son and heir, but apart from that, he did not show any particular interest in the boy. When I put him into his arms, he held him gingerly and Julian expressed his disapproval by screaming lustily until I took him, when he gurgled with contentment at the change.
Amelia planned to leave after the christening. I felt very sad about that, but I could not think about anything very much which did not concern my child.
The christening took place at the end of May. Little Julian behaved well and looked splendid in the St. Clare christening robes which Nanny Benson knew all about and which had been laundered under her eyes.
She had settled in very cosily.
“Into my old room,” she said. There she had a spirit lamp on which she constantly made cups of tea. She had quite an addiction to tea; and I knew that on occasions she laced it with whisky.
“Just a little bit of old Scotland,” she called it.
“Nothing like it to put a bit of life into you.”
She was quite easy to get along with because she did not interfere too much. I think she liked her comforts and no doubt was too old to want to take on the entire charge of a new baby, but she was so delighted to be back in the St. Clare nursery that I had not the heart to say her presence was not necessary besides, I really did not want anyone else to be with my baby. I wanted him all to myself!
I hardly noticed how little I saw of Aubrey. Often he went visiting friends and spent a few days away from the Minster. I did not miss him. My life was tuned to that of my son.
The time came for Amelia’s departure.
The night before she went she came to my room to say her last farewell, for neither of us wanted an emotional leave-taking in the morning.
It was late afternoon. Julian was asleep and so, I suspected, was Nanny Benson. She often dozed in the afternoon after partaking of tea augmented by ‘a little bit of old Scotland’.
“I shall be off fairly early in the morning,” said Amelia.
“I am going to miss you so much.”
“You’ll be all right. You have the boy … and Aubrey.”
“Yes.”
There was a silence and then she said: “I have been wanting to say something for a long time. I don’t know whether I should. It’s been worrying me quite a bit. Perhaps I shouldn’t … but somehow I think I ought.”
“What is it, Amelia?”
“It’s about… Aubrey.”
“Yes?”
She bit her lips.
“At times … Stephen was very worried about him.
There had been . trouble. “
My heart began to beat fast.
“Trouble? What trouble?”