“Keeping the difficult ones at bay,” said Charles with a smile, ‘while offering the right touch of sympathy to those who need They talked of life in the little town: the friendly gatherings, the church functions, the musical evenings, the little dinner parties I could see that Charles was enamoured of it and he had obviously become on terms of great friendship with the Silkins. It certainly was an ideal arrangement.
Could I see myself part of it? Why not? It was a pleasant comfortable lifestyle. I could be of use. My knowledge of nursing would be an asset. I imagined myself in that little house with its stone walls and Virginia creeper. But should I feel enclosed, shut in? Yet I might have children . little ones to take away the pain I still felt at the loss of Julian.
It was a pleasant day.
In the late afternoon Charles drove us to the station. He looked at me wistfully as he said goodbye.
“Perhaps you’ll come again soon,” he said.
“Just let me know. I am sure the Silkins liked you.”
“I liked them, too. I think you chose wisely, Charles.”
“So you liked it… and them. That’s the first step.”
Eliza was thoughtful in the train.
She said: “He’s a good man. It would be a good life. You’re lucky, you know.”
“If only I could make up my mind.”
“Anyone in her right senses would, unless, of course’ she looked at me obliquely ‘unless she’s got plans somewhere else.”
“I haven’t got any plans. I just feel it’s so cosy … too cosy .. stifling. Like being in a soft feather bed, sinking right down, being caught in it … in a cosy, comfortable sort of way.”
“You don’t half have some fancies. Besides, what’s wrong with a feather bed?”
She looked at me shrewdly and we were silent for a while. I sat back listening to the chugging of the train and thinking of myself in that little house. And then another figure intruded into my reverie . cynically smiling, holding me with those eyes. Not for you, he was saying. You want to be free to discover the world. You want to wipe away the conventions. Stop thinking what you ought to; start thinking of what you like. Discover for yourself . I could show you . But he was gone. I should probably never see him again. And if I did, what then? Oh, I was indeed, as Eliza said, not in my right senses.
Eliza was speaking.
“What did you think of Miss Dorothy?”
“Charming,” I said.
“Yes … and the doctor’s daughter. She’d make a good wife … to a doctor.”
“I dare say.”
“And I reckon she might… some day. It would be all very neat, wouldn’t it?”
“Do you mean Charles?”
“Well, there it is, all cut and dried as you might say, and ready for the market.”
“You use some odd expressions.”
“Never mind, as long as I make my meaning clear.”
“Your meaning is clear, Eliza. You are saying that if I delay and refuse Dr. Fenwick, Dorothy might very well become his wife.”
“Well, you could say it was working out that way, couldn’t you? I think she thought a lot of him, working in the Crimea with Miss Nightingale … well, that for one thing has set him up as a hero in her eyes.”
“Those doctors were heroic.”
“And Dr. Fenwick is a good man as well as a hero.”
“You have certainly always spoken up for him.”
“Sometimes when you lose something you appreciate it all the more.”
“Are you telling me that if I don’t snap up Dr. Fenwick very soon I shall lose him to Dorothy Silkin?”
“Just that,” she said.
“Do you know, Eliza, I am rather glad there is a Dorothy Silkin. I think she will be an ideal wife for Charles. He deserves the best and she would be better for him than I.”
“You’d be better for him … and he’d be good for you.”
“I just wonder how I would settle in a place like that. What happened to me has had its effect. I have told you a little about Minster St.
Clare, but not all. It was a strange experience. I lost my husband. I lost my child. That sort of thing cannot be shrugged aside. And then … Scutari. Could I settle into the cosy country life? Eliza, seeing it today, I don’t think I could. And hurting Charles is something I can’t bear to think of. So meeting that girl today, seeing them together … You understand what I mean?”
“Yes,” said Eliza.
“It would be a solution. It would put your mind at rest, wouldn’t it?”
I nodded.
I closed my eyes and listened to the rhythm of the train.
Two days later two letters arrived. One was from Henrietta. I recognized her handwriting at once and tore it open.
My dear Anna [she wrote], I expect you have been wondering about me. It really was rather an awful thing to do, wasn’t it? I mean . to decide not to go right at the last minute. I should have told you before. But I was in such a state of uncertainty. First I was going to and then I wasn’t. You know me.
The fact is I am now a married woman. Philippe and I are married. He had been asking me for some time and I was a bit cautious . strange for me . but I had that experience with Carlton, you remember. Look how I got myself into that and how hard it was to extricate myself. I didn’t want to make another faux pas. So I hesitated and then said Yes and then No. And then the time came for departure and I thought: If I go now I won’t see him again. You don’t sometimes when long distances separate you. So I just had to stay and wrestle with myself.
Dr. Adair was very kind. He advised me about a good many things. He knows the language and the customs and all that. What a man! I still think he is the most fascinating creature I ever saw. I don’t tell Philippe this but I think he knows it. He has the most enormous admiration for Dr. Adair, as a lot have. He is just someone apart. If you know what I mean.
Well, the fact is, I finally decided I could not leave Philippe and so we were married. We’re in Constantinople now until Philippe clears up his job here. It is all very important and secret, working for the French authorities and all that, and he’ll have to be here for a while. Peace treaties and such like. Philippe is really quite an important man. Then we shall live in Paris. Won’t that be fun? You will come and stay with us. We’ll have a lovely time.
Have you see Dr. Fenwick yet? I hope all goes well in that direction.
Anna, my dearest friend, do forgive me for being such a beastly little deserter, but it had to be, and I’m very happy now. I know it was right for me to marry Philippe. As soon as we leave here I shall let you know. Perhaps we shall come to England for a visit, and you will, of course, come to Paris.
I do miss having you to talk to and tell things to.
I may be pregnant. It’s too soon to say yet. Won’t that be glorious?
You shall be the first one to know.
My love to you, my dear, dear friend.
Henrietta.
I smiled. How typical other! She must be happy. I felt as though a great burden had dropped from me. She was not with Damien Adair; she was with Philippe. She had never gone away with him. It was all so understandable, so natural. He had seen her on the caique and had crossed with her. Philippe must have been waiting for her on the other side.
And he had been helpful. He knew the language and the customs . I should never have listened to Eliza. What grief we bring ourselves by listening to the ignorant, however well-meaning.
I felt a great sense of relief and a deep pleasure.
In the excitement of hearing from Henrietta I had forgotten the other letter. It was from Germany. I opened it and read it.
g me in her rather stilted English if I would consider coming to Kaiserwald for a brief visit. She knew of my stay in Scutari and she remembered well the excellent work I had done in Kaiserwald. She begged me to come and bring my friend Miss Marlington with me. I could be sure of a warm welcome. Of all the nurses who had spent short spells at her hospital, she had the greatest respect for me.