“Not I. I knew what must be done.”
“You were there … in that cave.”
“Yes. It was an amazing revelation.”
“You were in India when it all started.”
“There was a little group there. I forget the people’s names. A silly woman who found life boring and started this little club. I did spend time with them. I had to learn.”
“Why didn’t you try to save Aubrey?”
“I was concerned about him, and I tried to do precisely that. His brother was a great friend of mine. I thought he might be turned away from the habit, but when he started that cave it was clearly hopeless, and when you left him, even more. He quickly went downhill then.”
I said shakily: “And that night … when my baby died … you were there. You gave him one of your drugs. You experimented on him … and he died.”
“That is not true, either. I told you he was dead when I came to him. I was there, yes. I was in the cave. I was observing the dangerous antics of these people under the influence of the drugs they had taken. It taught me a good deal. We returned to the house. One of the girls was in hysterics about the child. The old nanny was drunk. I went up to find the child was already dead. He died of congestion of the lungs.”
“If you had been called earlier …”
“Who knows, perhaps …”
“If I had not been away …”
“Ah, if you had not been away.”
“You seem to draw certain conclusions. My father was dying. I had to go to him. My child was well when I left him.”
“I am sorry,” he said.
“I know how you have suffered.”
I felt the tears on my cheeks. I was living it all again . that terrible moment when I had gone into the house and found my baby dead.
He took a strand of my hair and wound it round his finger.
He said gently: “All that is past. There is a future ahead of you. You have to forget. Susanna, my love, there is a new life for you. You have to stop grieving. You have to live again.” I did not answer and he went on: “Susanna St. Clare. It is such a pleasant name. There is a symmetry about it. But I think Susanna Adair would be better.”
I was silent as the significance of his words swept over me.
I said haltingly: “Are you suggesting … that I marry you?”
“I know of no other way in which you could acquire my name. What do you think of it? It is pleasant, isn’t it?”
I turned to him and he put his arms about me and held me close.
“You must say you agree with me,” he said, ‘for, as I told you, I find my life dull without you. And one thing I cannot bear is dullness.
Please marry me at once. Nightingale. “
“You are hasty.”
“Never. I have had this in mind for a long time.”
“You didn’t give me any indication.”
“I had to knock down that wall of resistance.”
“You have certainly done that now.”
“Have I … completely? You still see me as something of an ogre, I believe.”
I laughed.
“If I do … I don’t care.”
“That’s what I like. You have taken me with all my sins upon me. And they are legion, I fear. Much of which you accused me is true, you know.”
“I know of the wild nomadic life, the conquests … the wanderings in paths not frequented by English gentlemen.”
“True, but it is due to these wanderings that I am able to recognize the worth of my true love.”
“You turn everything to advantage.”
“That is the way I live, Susanna. I am going to show you how it is done. Will you come with me to those wild far-flung corners of the world?”
“Yes,” I said.
“At a moment’s notice? That is how it is with me.”
“If we marry …” I began.
“When we marry,” he corrected me.
“There could be children.”
“That is a possibility.”
“If ever I had another child, I should never leave that child to the care of nurses. Never. Whatever the temptation.”
“Well?”
“You would want to go off on your wanderings … your wild adventures. What then?”
“If there were a child,” he said, ‘that would make a difference to us both. I have no doubt it would change me as well as you. But sometimes I may leave you, for a refreshing scene. I promise you my absence will be brief. “
“I cannot see you settling down, carrying on a professional life like ” Like a normal doctor. My dear Susanna, I am a man of many parts. When the time is ripe for me to leave my adventuring life I shall settle down with my family. I shall find means of adding to my knowledge of medicine and of life. I think I shall be an ideal father. “
I closed my eyes. I thought: Absolute happiness is early morning in a hunting lodge in the heart of a forest with the man I love beside me.
The forest was beautiful in the early morning.
We had risen with the dawn and were on our way. Everything seemed perfect: the early morning sun glinting through the trees; the awakening of the birds; the gentle breeze ruffling the fir trees; and that unforgettable smell permeating the air.
I had not known there could be such contentment.
He said: “We must leave within the next few days. When we arrive in England we will marry as soon as possible. I see no reason for delay, do you?”
“No,” I said.
He smiled at me. I was in a mood of exaltation. I had never felt thus in the whole of my life. For so long I had carried my grief round with me and had tried to soothe it with thoughts of revenge; but how much sweeter were the thoughts of love.
Life is going to be wonderful, I thought. Nothing will be commonplace with him. I shall follow him in his adventures and if I have a child . life will be wonderfully complete. I shall never forget Julian, of course. Could any mother forget a child she had borne? But I shall see Julian in my child and this child would be Damien’s. I should be contented for evermore. I thanked God for bringing me out of my wretchedness to this perfect happiness; and I fell to thinking that the present could not be so wonderful if I had not suffered in the past.
In this mood I came to Kaiserwald.
We were greeted by the Head Deaconess. I could see she had some misgivings because of our night’s absence.
“We were so enthralled by Rosenwald,” Damien told her, ‘that we delayed leaving. After all, there was no point in our going if we were not going to see it all. However, we stayed the night at Graf von Spiegal’s hunting lodge. “
She looked relieved.
“And how is the Herr Graf?”
“Oh, very well.”
That satisfied her. He looked at me mischievously.
It was not so easy with Eliza. I could see she was shaken.
I thought it would be better to tell her immediately. I said:
“I am going to marry Dr. Adair.”
“Oh! That’s a sudden decision.”
I nodded.
“You look different,” she said.
“I feel different.”
That was all. She changed the subject and asked about Rosenwald, but I saw her lips pressed together in disapproval. I talked enthusiastically of the possibilities of the place.
“At the moment they have untrained nurses. It would be a great challenge to someone who wanted to make a Kaiserwald of it.”
“I thought you were going to do that.”
“I thought so at first. I thought he was showing me the place for that purpose.”
“But he had another purpose. You haven’t thought much about this, have you?”
“I … I didn’t have to think, Eliza. I knew. It is like that sometimes.”
“I reckon you’re making a mistake. If you marry him you’ll sup sorry with a long spoon, as they say.”
“I think I’ll sup a lot of joy with an even longer spoon,” I said.
“You’re pretty far gone, ain’t you?”