“I see. But she tried to get rid of the child.”
“That was Klaus again. He hadn’t thought of settling down with a wife then … and what could he do with a child? He had given her the stuff to take within the first two months … if she should be with child. Poor Gerda, as if she could work that out! Well, she left it too late and it would have done for her … but for you good people at Kaiserwald. Klaus said the stuff he gave her would have been quite all right if she hadn’t left it so late. He’d sold it to many girls who had used it with the required result.”
The baby started to cry.
“Excuse me,” she said. She picked him up and brought him to show me.
“A bright little fellow … takes after Klaus. That’s who he is.
Little Klaus. “
“You are happy to have him with you.”
She smiled.
“It seems like old times when Gerda was left to me. I feel young again with something to live for. This one’s a bright little fellow … as sharp as a monkey. Not like my poor Gerda. Even when she was his age we could see she was not as other children. He’s different. He’s his father all over again.”
“I am so glad everything worked out well for Gerda and that she is happy.”
“Yes, she’s happy. Never seen her so happy. She loves the travelling life and Klaus is there to look after her. They’ll be here sometimes on their rounds. How long will you be with us this time?”
“I am not sure.”
“Well, I hope you’ll be with us some time yet. I’ll never forget what you good people at Kaiserwald did for Gerda.”
I told her I must go; and thoughtfully I walked back through the forest.
I reproached myself. I had blamed him for Gerda. How could I? I had deliberately built up the case against him to soothe my wounds. I had used hatred as the soothing balm.
How could I ever make up to him for what I had done?
Each day his condition improved. He could now take short walks up and down to the lake. We would sit there and talk of the future.
I was very happy.
He said one day: “It might well have been that I was unable to walk.”
“I know. I planned to spend my life looking after you.”
“That would have been no life for a strong young woman.”
“It was what I chose.”
“I believe you would have married me. You would have been my nurse.”
“I should have been that … happily.”
“You would have tired of it … in time.”
I shook my head vehemently.
“I intended to go to Egypt as soon as we were married. A fascinating country. You would have enjoyed it.”
“We are going to my house in London and we shall stay there until you are fit to travel.”
“And who will decide that?”
“I shall.”
“I see I am marrying a very forceful woman.”
“It is as well that you recognize it.”
“Over the last few days I have been thinking that I am the most fortunate of men. I get a bullet which might have injured my spine permanently, but by some stroke of good fortune it just missed a vital spot. That in itself is something of a miracle. And in addition to that I have my Susanna to minister to me, to cherish and protect me for the rest of my life.”
“And I am the most fortunate of women because I have found the only one whom I would want to be my companion for the rest of my life and the miracle is that in spite of his various adventures he should want me.”
“It is indeed a wonderful realization. We are not two young people setting out starry-eyed on the adventure of life. We know the pitfalls, don’t we? I have lived, as you know, precariously, in odd places. I have done many things which would not be acceptable in polite society. In other words, I have lived a full life. And you, my dearest, have learned what suffering is. Let us be grateful for what we have learned because that is going to enrich our lives. In the first place it has made us grateful for Now. “
“You are right, of course.”
I confessed to him that I had suspected him of being Gerda’s seducer.
He had been unware of Gerda’s existence.
He laughed.
“It is a great advantage not to have to live up to an ideal. All I have to do is show you that I am not as bad as you thought me to be.”
And so my happiness returned. He was recovering fast. Soon he would be well.
He was eager to get home, but I said we should wait for another week so that he might be really strong. We should return to my home which I intended to keep on. It would be our pied-a-terre in London the house to which we would return after our travels.
“Jane and Polly are there,” I told him, ‘and there is old Joe, the coachman. It is their home. They are part of the family, as it were.
They must always be there. “
He thought it was an excellent idea. And as soon as we arrived home we should be married.
One day when we sat by the lake Eliza came and joined us.
She said: “There is something I have to tell you. I don’t know what you’ll do. I’ve been wondering whether to say nothing … but somehow I have to tell you. I can’t go on like this. Sometimes I’ve thought of drowning myself in that there lake.”
“Eliza, what are you talking about?”
“I was the one. I did it. I don’t know what they do to you here. At home it would be murder … attempted murder or something like that.
Do they hang you? “
“Oh Eliza,” I said.
“So … it was you.”
She nodded.
“It came to me all of a sudden. I heard him say he would meet you there. Something came over me. It wasn’t only him … It was my stepfather and some of the men I’d had to work for. It was all the lot of them. It was men. I just wanted to avenge myself and all women .. But most of all, there was you. I’d always told myself I’d never care for anyone, not really care … so that they was more important to me than myself. And I thought of you and all you’d done for Lily and for me, and what a great day it was when we got to know you. I’ve often thought of that night in the storm. And I wanted you to have all that was good … all that was right… all you ought to have. And there was that Dr. Fenwick and I thought of you there in that lovely place with all the little children you’d have. And there was him … stopping it all.”
“So you took a pot shot at me,” said Damien with a smile.
“Not a bad shot, really. Though it didn’t quite find the bull’s eye.”
“Thank God I didn’t. I can see now what a mess I’d made … trying to take things into my own hands. I might have killed you. I’d have had that on my mind for the rest of my life … and I see now I wouldn’t have done anything for her.”
“Was it the first time you’d handled a gun?” asked Damien curiously.
She nodded.
“But I’d watched them. I knew how it was done. The barn door was open. They’d forgotten to lock it … Fraulen Kleber’s barn, you know. There were all those guns in there. I just took one.
It was loaded. I saw to that. And then I went out and waited among the trees. And when you came, I shot you. Then I put the gun back and got away. Once or twice I’ve thought of going back to that barn and getting a gun and shooting myself. Because I saw what I’d done. I see now you can’t tell people what they ought to do. Anna wasn’t going to marry Dr. Fenwick no matter what. I thought I knew better than she did . and it was all for her. Then when she thought you was dead, and I saw in her face what you meant to her, I just wanted to die. I knew I’d done wrong . a terrible wrong . because whatever you are, you’re what she wants and she would never get over it if you was a goner. I just wanted to get out of the world. I didn’t think there was no place for me in it. after what I’d done. “