Secret Smile

'Brendan. Kerry's boyfriend,' I said. 'Or rather, her fiancé. They've only known each other a couple of weeks and they've got engaged.'

'That's romantic'

'It makes me and Laura seem a bit staid and dull,' said Tony cheerfully, and Laura shot him an angry look that he blithely did not notice.

'But there's something really really wrong about him,' I said. 'He gives me the creeps.'

'That's all right. You don't have to marry him.'

'Didn't you go out with him, though?' asked Tony. Laura shot him another look. I think she may even have jabbed him under the table.

'Not really,' I said.

'How do you go out with someone not-really?'

'Not for long, I meant. It wasn't anything.' Most of me knew that I shouldn't be having this conversation, so I don't know why I then said: 'I finished it with him. It wasn't the other way round whatever he goes around saying.'

Nick looked puzzled and seemed about to speak, but Tony got there first.

'So what's the problem?'

'Well, for an example, he said this thing to me, when they announced they were going to get married.'

'What thing?'

'It was sick. He said…' I stopped dead. I could feel a flush burning its way up my body. Sweat broke out on my brow. 'He said something gross.'

'What? Go on!' Only Tony didn't seem to be feeling any discomfort. Laura was glaring at me, and Nick was looking down at the table, fiddling with his beer mat.

'It was stupid. I don't know why I mentioned it.'

'Come on, Miranda. Otherwise I'll just have to imagine it!'

'I don't want to say.' How prissy did that sound? 'Let's drop it.'

'It was you who started it.'

'I know. I shouldn't have done. It's just stupid family stuff.'

'Gross, as in sexually suggestive?' Tony persisted.

'He just said I had…' I hesitated, then said, 'He said I had a nice mouth.'

'Oh.' There was a pause. Nick put another crisp into his mouth. Tony stared at me. 'Well, that's not so bad, is it?'

'No,' I said weakly. 'Just leave it now. Forget it.'

'So before me, it was this guy Brendan.'

'Yes. Not really. It just lasted a couple of weeks or so. I drifted into it. It was a mistake, really. Not even a big mistake, just a small one. It's just weird that he's turned up again like this…' Why the fuck were we lying in bed talking about Brendan? 'Who was before me, then?'

'A woman called Frieda, but that was quite a long time ago…' And so we were off into safer dangers, telling each other about past loves, giving each other our secrets the way new lovers do. This one adored me, this one meant nothing, and this one broke my heart… I once heard a discussion on the radio, where a man said you could only fall in love three or four times in your life. I lay there with Nick's arms around me and wondered how many times I'd been in love. I wondered, was I in love now? How do you know when you're in love?

A few days later, they arrived unannounced, ringing my doorbell when I'd just sunk into a hot bath after a sweaty day up a ladder. I cursed, pulled on an old towelling robe and opened the door, letting in the damp evening air. Kerry had an eager smile on her face, and Brendan was brandishing a bunch of flowers. 'Is this a bad time?'

'I was just having a bath.' I pulled my robe tighter and clutched it at the neck.

'We can make ourselves at home while you finish,' said Brendan. 'Can't we, Kerry?'

'No, it's OK. Come on in.'

I stepped back reluctantly and they followed me into the living room. Kerry sat on the sofa, but Brendan stood squarely in the middle of the room, gazing around proprietorially.

'You've changed where the furniture is.'

'A bit.'

'I liked it better the way it was before. Don't you want to put the flowers in water?'

'Yes. Thanks.' Actually, I wanted to jam them into the overflowing bin.

'Have you eaten?' he asked, as if I were the one who'd come barging in, not him.

'No. I'm not really hungry. I'll have a snack later.' I took a deep breath, then said, 'Do you want a coffee? Or something alcoholic?'

'Wine would be nice,' he said.

I took the bottle from the fridge that Nick had brought round the last time he came.

'Shall I open it for you?'

'I can do it fine.'

He held up his hands in mock alarm. 'Whoa! Of course you can, Mirrie. I was just being polite.'

I stabbed the corkscrew into the cork and twisted it down crookedly. When I pulled, only half the cork came out. Brendan watched me, smiling sympathetically, as I gingerly extracted the crumbled remains of the cork from the bottle and poured three glasses. He held his up to the light and carefully picked out a few bits of cork from the wine before drinking.

'We should have brought a bottle round ourselves,' said Kerry. 'Because, actually, we have a favour to ask.'

'Yes?' I asked warily.

'Well, something amazing's happened. You know that man who was coming round a second time to look at my flat on Sunday?'

'Yes.'

'He's made an offer. Only a bit less than what we were asking.'

'That's brilliant,' I said.

'He seems really keen. And he's a first-time buyer. He's not in a chain at all.'

'But he is in a hurry,' interjected Brendan.

'Ah,' I said. I had a horrible, horrible feeling that I knew where this was going.

'He seems to think,' said Kerry, 'that he can exchange and complete in a matter of a week or two. He says his solicitor told him that as long as she can do the search immediately and there's no problem with the survey, then he could be in by the end of next week.'

'It has been known,' I said dully.

'But Bren's already given up the place he was renting and we can't move into our new flat by then,' said Kerry, 'though the owner's in an old people's home and our solicitor promises she'll do it as quickly as possible.'

'So,' said Brendan, smiling at me. He poured himself a second glass of wine and took a slurp of it.

'So if that happens, which maybe it won't anyway, we're in a bit of a fix,' said Kerry. 'And we wondered if we could come and stay at yours. Only for a few days, a week or two at the very most.'

'What about…?'

'Of course we'd go to Derek and Marcia's,' said Brendan, 'except their house is going to be a complete bomb site for the next few months. Well, you know better than us the nightmare that can be to live in. They might even have to move out for a bit themselves.'

'Would it be possible, Miranda?' asked Kerry.

I wondered why Kerry wanted to stay with me in the first place. If it had been the other way round, I would have tried to keep a safe distance between Brendan and his ex-girlfriend, not put them in the same small flat together, even if – or especially if – that ex-girlfriend was my sister. Maybe I just had a more suspicious nature than she did. Or maybe she was asserting to herself, and to me and Brendan, that she knew she had nothing to fear. I looked at her, but I couldn't read her expression.

'My flat's so small,' I said hopelessly. 'I haven't even got a spare bedroom.'

'You've got your sofa bed,' said Brendan.

'It might not even happen,' said Kerry. 'And we won't get in your way. We'll keep everything tidy and cook for you, and you'll hardly notice us before we're gone. A week.'

'Haven't you got friends with a bigger place? Where you'd be more comfortable.'

'Miranda, you're my sister.' Kerry had tears in her eyes. She darted a look at Brendan and he took her hand and stroked it. 'You're family. It's not such a big thing we're asking. Mum and Dad were certain you wouldn't mind. I thought you wouldn't mind. I thought you might even be pleased to have us here. It didn't occur to me that

'Perhaps Mirrie is still finding it painful,' said Brendan softly.

'What?!'

'We shouldn't have asked you,' continued Brendan. 'It wasn't fair. Maybe you're not ready for this.'

I squeezed my wine glass so tightly in my hand I thought it would break.