Secret Smile

'It was really nothing,' I said.

'I feel so happy about Kerry that I can hardly bear it. I keep my fingers crossed all the time. And I wake at night and just pray and pray that it will be all right.'

'Why shouldn't it?' I asked.

'It seems too good to be true,' my mother said. 'As if someone's waved a wand over her life.'

'It's not a fairy tale. He's not a knight in shining armour,' I said.

'I know, I know. But I have always thought with Kerry that all she needed was self-confidence and then she could do whatever she wanted. That's what Brendan's given her.'

'It's scary, isn't it,' I said, swirling my amber wine around in its glass. 'All the different things happiness depends on. You want it to be less fragile than that.'

'Well, I never thought that way about you,' said my mother. 'Whatever the ups and downs, I knew you'd be all right.'

'Oh,' I said dully. Somehow that didn't make me feel cheerful.

'It's just Troy now,' said my mother. 'But I can't help feeling it's going to be OK now. Like we're getting into a virtuous circle.' She tipped the last of her wine down her throat and I poured her another glass. She waited until I was done, then took a breath and said: 'Talking of Kerry and Troy, it seemed like a good moment to talk about things that your father and I have never discussed properly with you.'

'What things?' I asked as I was suddenly filled with a creepy, ominous feeling.

She took one of the little paper napkins that came with the wine and started twisting it and folding it as if she were going to make a paper aeroplane.

'Obviously, we all know that Troy is wonderful, but he's always going to need financial help. You know that we have been paying money into a trust fund for him.'

'He may get a job,' I said dubiously. 'It's a matter of finding the right area.'

'I hope so, Miranda, I hope so. But that's not our immediate problem. Now Kerry and Brendan will be getting married in two months' time, and it's going to be a very modest ceremony. But the two of them will be as poor as church mice for a while. Derek has talked with Brendan and he's very impressed with him. He has a large number of plans. All sorts of plans. But for the moment they will need help with their flat and other things. We have our own property problems, as you know, but still, we want to help them as much as we can. We are going to help them with buying the flat, in a small way.'

'I'm glad,' I said. 'But why are you telling me?'

'You're doing so well,' said my mother, squeezing my hand. 'You always have done. I sometimes think it's hard for you to realize how difficult it has been for Troy and Kerry.'

'I'm a jobbing decorator,' I said. 'I'm not a stockbroker.'

My mother shook her head.

'You're doing wonderfully. I've been talking with Bill. He thinks the world of you.'

'I wish he'd pay me more, then.'

'That will come, Miranda. The sky's the limit for you.'

'So what are you saying?'

'You're so generous, Miranda, and I know you won't give this a second thought, the way some people would. It just seems clear to your father and me that Troy and Kerry need, will always need, help in a way that you won't.'

'So what are you saying?' I repeated. I knew what she was saying.

'All I'm saying is that we're allocating special resources to Troy and Kerry, and I hope that you agree with us about the need for that.'

What she meant – of course – is that she was taking money from the slice of the family pie that was notionally in some sort of way allocated to me and giving it to Troy and Kerry. What could I say? No? Don't help my brother and sister? There was a little dormouse-sized Miranda in a corner of my brain giving a howl of rage and misery, but I put a metaphorical gag in her mouth.

I wanted to cry. It wasn't the money, or I don't think it was. It was the emotions behind the money. We never grow up enough not to need our parents looking after us, taking care of us. I smiled broadly. 'Sure,' I said.

'I knew you would,' my mother said fervently.

'I guess I'll need to find a rich husband,' I said, still smiling.

'You'll find whatever you want,' said my mother.

CHAPTER 10

They arrived before I was expecting them, so I was still in my dressing gown, drinking coffee and eating a custard pie that I'd bought a few days ago on my way back from work. It wasn't a very healthy breakfast, but the crust was already a bit stale and if I didn't eat it now I would have to throw it away. Anyway, I'd been running. I'd puffed my way through five miles on the Heath on a glorious late October morning, sharply cold, but bright too, with soggy brown leaves underfoot. The run, all that pain, balanced out the custard pie. I had planned to paint my toenails, clear the living room a bit and ring up Nick to arrange to meet him for lunch. That way, I could welcome them and then have an excuse to rush off.

But then the bell rang, in three assertive bursts. Before I could answer it, I heard the scrape of a key in the lock. I'd given Kerry a spare key already, but I felt a twinge of resentment. I felt they ought to have let me admit them like guests on their arrival. The scraping went on, and I heard muffled swearing and then some giggles. I stuffed the last morsel of custard pie into my mouth, stood up, tightened the belt on my dressing gown and opened the door, pulling Brendan in with it, holding on to the key that was still in the lock. We were about three inches apart. He was wearing a thick coat that belonged to my father, a long, speckled scarf that looked like one I'd given Troy last Christmas. In his left hand he carried a large nylon bag. I could see pyjamas, a dressing gown, bath foam. His eyes were bright, his dark hair glossy. His mouth looked redder than usual.

'Hi,' I said curtly, standing back to let him in, but he simply took a step towards me, as if he were a partner in some dance, and stood looking down at me. The upturned collar of his coat brushed against my jaw. I felt his breath on my cheek.

'Hey there, Mirrie,' he said. He lifted a thumb and before I could stop him had tenderly wiped a crumb from my upper lip. Then his head bent down, his red lips were on my cheek. I smelt mint, and underneath it something sour.

I turned away and wiped the spot where his lips had been, then retreated further into the hall. Brendan followed. Behind him, Kerry stood, in a bright red duffle coat. Her cheeks were flushed, her fair hair was tied in a little girl's pigtails. She carried a box: bran, herbal tea, vitamin tablets, alfalfa beans, organic elderflower cordial. She had to put the box on the floor before she hugged me.

'Don't close the door,' she said. 'We've got loads more to get out of the car. And Mum and Dad and Troy are bringing the rest over.'

'Don't worry,' said Brendan. 'Just essentials.'

'I'll put some clothes on and then I'll help you with them.'

'Why don't you make us some coffee instead?' said Brendan. 'And we haven't had breakfast yet, have we, Kerry? We were in such a rush.'

'You were in such a rush. I don't know where you get your energy from.'

He smirked, then said, 'Just some toast and jam would be fine. Or do you have tahini?'

'What?'

'Kerry and I are trying to eat healthily.' He put out his large hand and caressed the top of Kerry's head. 'We want to have a long life together, don't we, sweetie?'

'We did this questionnaire on the Internet,' said Kerry. 'You had to say how much you exercised and what you ate, and then it told you when you'd die. I'm going to live until I'm ninety-two. Brendan's going to live to ninety-six.'

'I've only got jam,' I said.

I took my time getting dressed. I sat on my bed for a few moments, breathing deeply, practising being calm. I dressed, brushed my hair unnecessarily, made my bed. The phone rang, but someone picked it up in the other room before I could get to it.