“Maybe boring is good, after your previous job.”
“I can’t believe you followed me here.”
“Like I said, I was worried about you. And it was my fault.”
“So that’s all you wanted? Just to come and apologize?”
Was she fishing? Whatever the reason, Edward was happy for the opening. “No. I was hoping you might come back.”
“To your office?”
“Well, yeah. But I would understand if that place had a bad memory for you now.”
She nodded at once but her eyes seemed hopeful. That encouraged him. “I didn’t come just because you were a good secretary—I came because I think we’re a good fit.”
Emily’s teary eyes searched his face. She didn’t speak but her eyes grew wide.
It was time to be honest and hope for the best, he thought. “Emily, I had another girlfriend, before you. She was a submissive too. I lost her to, uh, another man. Ever since, I’d been looking for someone just like you. A wonderful woman who had those same needs, same desires. And I ruined it. I don’t think I ever told you how much you meant to me.”
More tears flowed from Emily’s eyes and Edward hoped they were tears of joy.
“I’d like you to come back and work for me. And let’s see where things go from there, okay?”
She blinked her eyes and he saw another expression, a hardness he hadn’t seen before.
“I...” she began. “I appreciate you coming by. I’m flattered. But I need time to think. I’d like you to go now.”
So much for being the Dom in the relationship, he thought. He stood, trying to muster as much dignity he could from this disastrous situation. “Very well, Emily. I’ll go. But I’m not giving up on you yet. I plan to write you and call you and I hope that someday, you’ll understand that I feel we were meant to be together.”
He went to the door. She held up his handkerchief and he waved it away. “Keep it. I’ll get it back someday.” He left, trying to fight this own tears as he headed back to his car.
Well, that was a fine mess, he thought. I ruined everything.
18
Edward threw himself into his job. He made more sales in the following month than he had in the previous two months and management was pleased. He accepted their congratulations, but his heart wasn’t in it.
As much as he had tried to reach out to Emily, she had resisted him. Their phone conversations were strained and often she didn’t pick up the phone at all. He had no doubt she was there, listening to his voice on the answering machine. It was as if she was stuck, torn between her needs and her fear.
Edward was about to give up, thinking she would never allow herself to be under his control again. Before he took that final step, he decided to pay one more visit to Paul. Maybe he could help him understand why she was being so reluctant. This time, it was easier for him to call the experienced Dom and they agreed to meet again at the club. Edward arrived first and was sipping his drink when Paul walked in.
“Edward! Nice to see you again.” Paul stuck out his hand.
Edward shook it and nodded his greeting. “Thanks for agreeing to meet with me again. I’m at my wit’s end.”
“What seems to be the problem? We’re still talking about Emily, right?”
“Right.” He explained how he had gone to her and apologized and she had said she needed time.
“But that was more than a month ago and she won’t budge. We talk on the phone now and then—when I can get through—and I think she still likes me, but she just doesn’t seem to be able to move forward.”
“Hmm.” Paul steepled his fingers. “Interesting.”
“What?”
“Let me ask you: Describe for me a typical phone conversation you’ve had with her in the last couple weeks.”
“Uh, well, she’ll say hello and I’ll identify myself and we talk about her job or my company and then I’ll ask her if she’s feeling any better about me and if she’d consider coming back to work for me. Or even to live with me, if she’ll have me.”
“Ah, I think I see your problem.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, if Emily is as submissive as you say, she may be waiting for you to take charge again. She needs to feel protected, see—”
“And I violated that.”
“Yes and you told her it was a mistake and that was fine. But now you’re acting more like a lovesick boyfriend than a Dom, don’t you see?”
Edward thought about that. The position of power had certainly changed. He realized he had given her the authority to make the decision about whether she would forgive him or come back to St. Louis. Slowly he began to nod his head.
“I think I see. But how do I know when she’s ready? I mean, I made a mistake and I want to ease back into it. If I go back there and frighten her, I’ll never get her back.”
“Yes, it’s tricky. You have to be able to read the signs. Watch her expression, watch her body language. That will tell you what she wants.”
“I fear she might run away screaming or something.”
“No, she’s already done that. Moving three hundred miles away was her statement.” He paused. “Do you think she’s happy in her new place, her new job?”
“I don’t know. She doesn’t say much about it. I get the feeling it’s just a job to her.”
“Good. So she’s working it out in her mind. She’s safe but unfulfilled. What you have to do is show her that you offer that excitement she needs—without the danger. For now, anyway.”
“What do you mean, ‘for now’?”
“You’ve heard of a ‘love-hate’ relationship, right? Well, for subs, it’s more like ‘need-fear’ relationship with their Dom. They fear you a little—that’s what the punishments are all about. But it also excites them to no end. They need it. Once the accept your control in a loving way, you’ll find you can push them further and further along until you reach their limit—or have them where you want them.”
“And where is that?”
“That, my friend, is up to you. And her, of course. That’s what’s so fun about the lifestyle—exploring that edge where both parties are getting what they want, even if it’s a little bit dangerous.”
For the first time, Edward understood what must’ve been going on in Adriana’s mind. He hadn’t pushed her nearly enough. She had felt frustrated. So when Master Paul came along, she found a renewed excitement. Edward realized for the first time if he had acted more forcefully when she was wavering, she probably would’ve stayed with him.
But then he would not have found Emily.
“The subs really have a lot of power, don’t they?”
“Yes and no. They have limits, and they’ll tell you when you reach them. But they also need that subjugation—in a safe environment, of course. I’d say Emily is missing out on that. She’s afraid, but that will fade with time. She’ll want what she had, but not with the same intensity at first. Later on, you can explore her limits at your leisure.”
“I’m still not entirely sure how to handle her now. I don’t want to scare her away and I don’t want to keep calling her if she’s resisting me.”
“Yes. What you need to do now, I think, is to start exerting your authority again. In small doses. Just give her a little push as you talk. It will reawaken her needs and if I’m right, you’ll find her eager to talk to you as the days pass. You must show her that you’re a real Dom, not some fumbling amateur.”
“But I feel like an amateur!”
“You’re new at it. I think your heart’s in the right place. Go with your gut. Listen to her carefully. That’s the best advice I can give you. Listen and believe in yourself.”
On the way home, Edward thought about Paul’s advice. It was true that he had almost abandoned his efforts at domination of her because he felt so guilty. Well, it was time to stop that. Don’t be a jerk, but don’t be a pushover. No sub wants a pushover.
That night, he called Emily. When she didn’t answer, the machine picked up and Edward said, “Emily, it’s me. I know you’re there. Please pick up the phone. It’s important.”