“Nothing. Just tired.” It’s not a full lie because I am; I’m just not admitting anything, not yet.
One week and 5 days later
Taking the drive down to Sumner, a sense of calm comes over me. And I know it’s for one reason and one reason only. Pulling up to the large field lined with stones from one end to the other, I park my car in the vacant spot under the big oak tree.
Walking through the maze, my eyes peer down at the one I’m searching for. Bam Alexander—Father and Brother. I sit on the grass facing the tombstone of my father and reach out placing my hand on the cool stone. Closing my eyes, I let go.
“Hi Daddy. You’re gonna be a grandpa.” I smile. “I know. You’re not too happy about it, but Daddy, I am. I love this little peanut inside of me. Every day I wonder what he or she will look like and what type of personality it will have. I read to the baby every night Daddy, just like you tried to do every night for me. I actually just started it this past week, but I’m trying.” I let out a deep breath. “I don’t want you to be disappointed in me. I’m scared that you are. I didn’t have any intention of getting knocked up, and I should have known better. I haven’t told G.T. yet Dad.” I don’t stop the tears from falling down my face, there is really no point.
“I want to wait to find out if it’s a boy or a girl before I tell him.” I pause. “Well, that’s not entirely true. I do want to do that, but I also want to know I can do this on my own. Because that is what it is Dad. I will be a single mom, just like you were a single dad. Funny how things go around in life.”
I pull up blades of grass from the ground and begin shredding them slowly feeling their smoothness between my fingers. “I’m going to school Daddy, just like you wanted. I haven’t figured out how I’m going to be able to go to class and take care of the baby, but I’ve been thinking about it. I have a good friend Bella, you’d really like her Dad, and I was thinking of asking her to help out. I’m still working out the whole job thing, but I have some time.” I feel a bit scatterbrained with all my rambling, but I need to tell him. I need to tell someone.
“I’m about eleven weeks now and the last time I went to the doctor she said everything looked really good. I’m due to go back in a couple of weeks.” I breathe in the warm Georgia air, the humidity clinging to my skin. “I wish you were here to give me advice on how to tell G.T. I know he’s going to be pissed at me. One for getting pregnant, even though he had as much to do with it as I did, and two for not telling him right away.” I sigh. “Daddy. I’ve been working really hard since I left here to get my head screwed on straight. And I think I’m almost there. But when it comes to him, I’m still that same love struck kid and I hate it Dad. Hate it.”
“I haven’t told anyone about the baby but you. Not even Harlow. I want to so bad Dad. But she has a new life right now that she’s dealing with and I don’t want to add to it. I need her so desperately. Even when we talk on the phone, it’s mostly her talking and me listening. I’m sure she doesn’t intend for it, but it’s there. And I’m okay with it.”
“I will do you proud Daddy. I will be the best possible mom I can be. I will tell him or her all about you. I know I can do this because you did. I love you Daddy.”
I sit for a long while just enjoying the silence.
I did not tell Harlow I was coming into town, because if I did she would have for sure insisted I came to see her and I can’t. I can’t look her in the eye and not tell her about the baby. Each time I talk to her, it gets harder and harder to keep my mouth shut.
During the ride back to Cherry Vale, I gather myself back together. I always love talking to my Dad as it gives me relief, but pulling myself together is always the hardest part.
Winding up to my apartment, Jace is standing by the front door. I swear part of me wonders if he has me pegged or something. He always seems to know where I will be. Since seeing him at the bar, he has said hi to me dozens of times and made the idlest of chit chats. He even brought me dinner a couple of times.
Damn if the man wasn’t growing on me.
Climbing out of the car, I head to the door. “Hey. How’s it going?”
“Good. Just got back from a run. Where you been off to?”
The innocent question doesn’t take me aback as it would have a few weeks ago. “I went to talk to my Dad. Now I have to go study. Fun times.” I smirk.
“You need some help?”
“Nah. But thanks.”
One week later
I have a huge test tomorrow. Huge and in the one subject that I do not freaking get, stupid Western Civ. What is the point of this class? I know some people probably love it, but it is not my thing. After three hours of looking over notes and reading this book, I’m ready to throw the damn thing. Only bits and pieces are sinking in and I need a break.
Opening the fridge, I kick myself for not getting to the grocery store. With school and work, I haven’t had much time and looking in the fridge moldy cheese isn’t going to cut it. Bella and I have been doing mad dash runs to eat together, which has been really our only time together. We both need to keep our grades up and have been focusing on that solely.
My stomach aches and cramps. I curse myself. I should know better than to not eat especially with the baby growing inside. I take my vitamins religiously, but when I’m studying, all thoughts of eating fly out the window.
Grabbing my cash and keys, I head to the corner deli grabbing a turkey sandwich on wheat and eat it on the way back to my apartment. The day is beautiful and sunny, the warmth caressing me like a second skin.
Images of me walking with my little one flash through my head and excitement and happiness fill me. “Hey, what’s got you smiling?” Jace’s voice comes from the side of me making me jump a bit. He is in his running gear and slicked in sweat. His breathing is coming out in small pants as he pulls his head phones out of his ears.
“Just a beautiful day.” I reply taking another bite and swallowing.
“Yes it is. I needed to get out and run. Can’t let a beautiful day like this go to waste. You mind if I walk with ya back?” He asks panting.
“Not at all.”
As we walk, I continue eating, trying to ease the ache in my stomach. Jace talks about his classes and asks with interest about mine. Our conversation is casual and easy flowing. One thing that I’ve really grown to like about Jace is how easy it is to talk with him.
I yawn, “I’m really tired all of the sudden. I think it’s all the studying.” I smile softly.
“No problem. I gotta get in the shower and clean up.” He smirks walking off to his place.
Entering my apartment a huge wave of exhaustion overtakes me. I crawl into my bed feeling the cool sheets hug my body and fall fast asleep.
Hurt. Pain. Hurt. My body tosses and turns on its own accord not being able to get comfortable. My bed feels like a layer of rocks instead of its normal softness. I try to wake up from this horrible dream, from this horrible pain. But can’t.
I move from side to side trying to get comfortable, but it’s impossible. My eyes shoot open quickly and I immediately know the pain is not a dream. It is full out cramping in my stomach, my hands moving to clutch it. I quickly move the covers, but see nothing amiss. My gut is telling me something is wrong, very wrong.
I slowly get up each movement adding to the already agonizing pain inside. Add to that the frantic fear and I’m lucky I can even move to the bathroom. Pulling down my pants, my underwear is covered in blood. “What the hell!” I scream and panic overtakes me. My baby.
As quick as I can, I throw the pants and underwear off of me and search for my phone. I need to find Bella. She can help me. I dial her number and it instantly goes into voice mail. A cramp hits so powerfully, I drop the phone and hear it clatter to the ground. I double over for a few minutes grabbing on to the counter top so I don’t fall until the pain slightly subsides.