‘Close your eyes, and listen, really listen.’
‘What is it?’
‘This is the song I want played at my funeral.’
I become still.
‘Go on,’ he urges.
I close my eyes and listen. It starts off with a string instrument and then Indian drums followed by English lyrics. Again and again the words, cannot stay. Despite everything cannot stay. An Indian voice wailing, but beautifully. Aaaaaooooooaaaaaa. There’s no need to say goodbye. Not even to friends or family. All the memories going round, round. The voice so full of longing. Again the beautiful wail. Aaaaaoooooaaaaa. The long road. Cannot stay.
The song is sad on a level that I don’t often encounter. I remove the headphones. A conversation starts up in my head. This is too deep. He wants it played at his funeral. Where will I be then? There will be no us then. A strange emotion comes into my body. It affects my entire being.
We look into each other’s eyes and something passes between us, like discovering a secret code. Vann inside Julie? I shrink away from it. Obviously I will be with Jack then. And I feel strong again. I will not recite the poem to him later. That would be walking down the wrong path.
I look at him. ‘Don’t you have Lady Gaga?’ I ask.
A veil comes over his face. ‘No.’
Twenty-four
Lana is back from her honeymoon. She has invited me to go over to Wardown Towers for tea. The last time I was here was on the eve of Lana’s wedding, I had come with Billie and it was already dark, so I had not paid any attention to my surroundings. Now I am sitting in the back of the Bentley alone. I gaze at my surroundings with interest. A guard and gatehouse heralds the start of a long drive that winds through arable fields ringed with wild flower meadows. After about a mile of driving through the estate we passed the long, high brick-walled kitchen garden. Visible in the distance are formal ponds, clipped yew hedges, summerhouses and beds.
At the front door a matronly lady in a gray uniform greets me and takes me through a wing of the house I have not been in before to a greenhouse, the largest I have seen. The roof is V-shaped and it is very old. The floor is made of large stone slabs. Abundant palm trees and the grape vines give the impression of a tropical rainforest. It seems cooler in here. The glass ceiling is lofty. From the open door comes the perfume of honeysuckle.
Lana is wearing an old bottle green sweatshirt and jeans. Her hands are encased in gardening gloves, and she appears to be re-potting a plant. She turns to look at me, and smiles. Even here, standing in an old apron and without a trace of make-up, she looks mind-bogglingly beautiful.
A strange flash of understanding. I like her. I’ve always liked her.
‘What have you been doing to yourself? You look absolutely wonderful,’ she says, her voice ringing with sincerity, and coming forward hugs me.
‘Hi. You’ve picked up a tan,’ I say shyly, and hug her back.
‘I thought we could have tea here since you love flowers so much.’ She gestures toward a beautifully laid wrought iron table. Anyway, it’s a bit of a mausoleum in there with all the dour paintings and drapes never fully opened in order to protect the artwork.’
‘Yeah, I passed a portrait of a stern man with an aristocratic nose and dark, angry eyes. It felt like his eyes were following me around the room.’
‘Ah, that must be the founding father of the Barrington dynasty, an astonishingly shrewd and secretive man. Apparently he possessed an unmatched talent for making money. It is said about him that he played with new kings as young misses do with dolls.’
‘Oh and what about those two totally eerie stuffed owls?’
Lana’s mouth turns downwards. ‘Those were pets. They used to belong to some ancestor.’
My eyes grow huge. ‘Really? That’s what really rich people do. When their pets die they simply stuff them and hang them up as decorations.’
Lana laughs. ‘They do have some strange customs. Seems that was where the owls loved to perch when they were alive.’
‘I passed a photograph of another of Blake’s ancestors in a top hat and tails riding on a giant tortoise.’
‘That’s the uncle that went mad,’ Lana explains. ‘He was crazy about animals. He is the one who started the zoo. He once drove to Buckingham Palace in a carriage drawn by zebras.’
‘I thought zebras couldn’t be tamed.’
‘The zebras were led by a horse,’ explains Lana.
‘I can’t believe what we are talking about. Come on, tell me all about your honeymoon. Where did you go? What did you see?’
Lana laughs. ‘Blake took me to the desert.’
‘That’s the great surprise? The desert?’
‘Oh, Julie, it was so unbelievably beautiful. We joined an old-fashioned camel train. When it got too hot we traveled in a howdah. It was wonderful. The cameleers were so polite and hospitable. In the day they sing songs; at night they gather around a fire and tell stories.’
She claps her hands together in front of her.
‘Blake knew I always wanted to experience rain in the desert, so he had the clouds over us seeded and that night it rained. It was amazing. Truly. We sat at the mouth of our tent and looked at the rain and then we made love in the rain. It was the most sensuous sex I have ever had.’
I look at her and think I must get Vann to have sex with me in the rain.
Something happens outside the greenhouse behind me and Lana is distracted by it. I look over my shoulder and see two peacocks.
‘Come on,’ she urges. ‘It looks like they are about to dance.’
We go outside the glass house and around its side and come upon the peacocks. Lana puts her finger to her lips. We wait a few minutes but she was wrong. Neither spreads its tail. Lana looks at me and shrugs ruefully.
‘Oh well,’ she says, and we both turn to go back. As we are walking I have an odd sensation. I turn my head and one of the peacocks has opened his glorious tail. I touch Lana’s arm. We both turn and catch the rare sight of the spectacular creature dancing for his mate. Strangely my hand is still on Lana’s arm. I don’t pull it away. When the dance is over Lana turns her bright eyes on me. ‘That was spectacular, wasn’t it?’
Unable to speak I nod. We have shared something special. I feel connected to her like I have not with any other human being. The piercing jealousy has dissipated.
‘Remember that time those boys were chasing me and throwing stones at me?’
Lana looks at me strangely. ‘Yes, I do.’
‘Why did you come to help me? They could have hurt you.’
‘I knew they wouldn’t dare. They were afraid of Jack.’
I take my hand away. The old hurt is back. How wonderful for her. To be so cherished and loved and protected by my Jack. ‘He looked out for you, didn’t he?’
‘He was my brother,’ she says simply.
He was in love with you, you fool, I want to scream. ‘Let’s have tea,’ I say quietly.
‘Yes, let’s. You have to try the chef’s scones. He makes the most delicious scones I have ever had anywhere.’
We sit at the table and Lana presses a buzzer.
‘Does Blake’s sister live here alone?’
‘Yes, for the moment, but she will be moving in with us when we move into our house next week. She’ll only be coming here at the weekends to see her animals.’
‘How come there is no information about her on the net?’
Lana lays her hands flat on the table. Her engagement ring glitters. ‘Apparently that is what these old families do. They hide the relatives that they are ashamed of or might threaten their social standing.’