“I’m sorry you came back here for me,” she said instead.
He came over and stood beside her. “It wasn’t all for you. He’s my dad and despite everything, I love him. I keep hoping that he’ll change, that...” Derrick shook his head, unable to continue.
Von understood exactly what he meant. That confusing blend of anger, contempt, pity, and love she felt toward her own mother. The hope that one day she’d change and be the parent that Von always needed and wanted her to be. But to be like Derrick, to have unwanted sexual feelings in the equation... God, she couldn’t imagine.
“It’s my fault he came after you. He came to see why I wasn’t in church. I was so angry, so hurt, I said things I shouldn’t have...”
And like the jealous lover he was, Derrick Senior came rushing over to do what he’d always wanted, eliminate the competition for his son’s affection.
He took a shaky breath. “When I found out what he’d done, I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror. I don’t want...I can’t be like him.”
Compassion for the son flooded Von’s heart. “What he did, it’s not your fault. You aren’t responsible for your father’s actions.”
He stuck his hands in his pockets and before her eyes, Derrick reconstructed his mask, the one that hid his feelings. How had she been with him so long and not known him? Because he’d never let her see his heart.
Derrick shrugged his shoulders like he was shaking off an unwanted garment. “I told the police where we buried her. That should help your cousin beat the charges against her.”
He headed for the door. At it, he paused. “I just wanted you to know, I do love you, as much as it’s possible for me to love any woman. I want you to be happy with your life. You deserve it.”
Something about his tone she didn’t like. “Derrick?”
“Goodbye, Von.” He gave her a last lingering look, then walked out the door.
“Derrick!” She needed to go after him but couldn’t. There was something very final in his goodbye. He wouldn’t do something stupid, would he? Left with no other recourse, Von prayed for Derrick, and as an afterthought, for herself.
Minutes later the door opened and Sean walked in. “Was that Derrick I saw? Was that bastard bothering you?”
“No,” she answered softly.
“Then why are you crying?” His expression shifted from angry to concerned. “Are you in pain?”
Von wiped her face, surprised to find it wet. “Derrick was here.”
His gaze sharpened along with his tone. “I thought you said he wasn’t?’
“He didn’t bother me,” she clarified.
“What did he want?” In his eyes, those windows of his soul, she saw suspicion, jealousy and an underlying hint of uncertainty.
Von held out her hand and he came and sat beside her on the bed, careful not to jostle her. Von told him what Derrick had revealed without any hesitation or fear of betraying confidences. She always told Sean everything.
Sean appeared thoughtful when she finished. “I knew his father used to knock him around occasionally but I didn’t realize...”
“That explains so much,” he finally finished.
“Derrick told you?” Von was shocked, and a little hurt that Derrick had shared that part of himself with Sean and not her, the woman he professed to love.
“Well, yeah.” He caught her look. “It wasn’t like that. Some stuff happened that triggered some bad memories for me. Hooch and I talked. I didn’t think he’d understand, coming from a good home like he had, until he told me about his dad.” He paused, then asked a bit hesitantly, “Does this change how you feel about him?”
Von thought and then nodded slowly.
“I see.” Sean pulled his hand away and slid off the bed.
How she knew what he was thinking, feeling, Von didn’t stop to question. She grabbed for him and hissed in pain at the sharp movement. “No, you don’t,” she contradicted, trying to pant though the agony.
He stopped, his sudden concern for her overriding his need to escape what she knew he assumed to be his coming rejection. “Are you all right? Should I call someone?”
“Just sit down, please.”
Sean slowly returned to his former position.
“You didn’t give me a chance to finish. Knowing what Derrick’s father did to him helps me to understand him better. For a long time I thought I was the problem in our relationship. That my issues were keeping us from really connecting.”
Von stared steadily into Sean’s eyes, willing him to get what she was saying. “I loved him and at times, I really believed he loved me, too, but there was always this bit of distance between us. I thought it was because of my background, you know, my family. That he really couldn’t relate. Now I find out his family is more jacked up than mine. We got a lot of stuff going on, but thank God, incest isn’t one of them.”
Sean placed his hand on her thigh. “I know what it’s like,” he said quietly.
Von’s heart clenched and her eyes rounded. “Please God, tell me you weren’t molested, too?”
“No,” he denied, “but I know what it’s like to sleep with one eye open. Never knowing if tonight’s the night you’re going to have to defend yourself against some perv and praying for escape, for someone to rescue you from your situation. All the homes I stayed in weren’t...nice. Some of my foster families were indifferent. As long as the money came in, they didn’t care what I did. Some were good people who really wanted to make a difference, but others...those are the ones I still have nightmares about.”
Von thought about the three of them. Her momma had been neglectful, more concerned with her men, the money they provided, and the booze she drank than Von’s welfare. Sean never had any family that he could remember. He was a true child of the System. And then there was Derrick, who seemed to have it alclass="underline" a well respected father, nice home, money enough to take care of his needs, and his father was a monster in disguise.
The fear he must have lived with...
Looking back, Von wondered that she hadn’t suspected anything. Derrick had always worn long-sleeved, button down shirts and long pants, no matter what the season. She’d thought it because he was a preacher’s kid. She didn’t remember him having many friends and he’d been as leery of being touched as she. Von had considered him the perfect boyfriend, one who wouldn’t make any sexual demands on her, not knowing he’d probably considered her the perfect girlfriend for the same reason. As long as they were together, as they almost always were, the other kids looking to hook up left them alone.
While Derrick had never seemed uncomfortable with sex, Von realized now he’d only allowed sexual contact when he initiated it, and he maintained control. Whenever she made tentative overtures, he’d always stopped her cold. And he’d never allowed her to touch him in a sexual manner.
Shaking off the past, Von laid her hand over the one Sean placed on her thigh. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
“I thought I was going to die.” The words were stark. The first mention she’d made to him of what happened that night.
“Von...” He closed his eyes and his gripped tightened, almost to the point of pain. “I should have been there.”
Disregarding his words and the pointless guilt behind them, she repeated, “I love you, and I want to be with you. Whatever that means. If you re-enlist, I’ll go with you. Wherever they send you. I realized something when I was lying there waiting for him to make good on his threat and kill me. Life is short. You need to grab hold to love and happiness with both hands and not let go. Don’t worry about what other people think and all the stupid, petty stuff we concern ourselves with. This,” she squeezed his hand, “this is what’s important.”