“Hi Tracy. Nice seeing you, too.”
Tom followed her inside.
“You want a beer?” she asked.
“That would be great,” he replied. He sat down on the sofa and stared at her as she went into the kitchen. She looked as beautiful as always in her tight jeans and oversized blue Capital State sweatshirt. Every time he saw her, he was reminded of why he had taken the monumental risk of cheating on his wife.
She returned with a Michelob Ultra and an Ice Mountain for herself.
“Thanks,” Tom said as she handed him the beer. “Have you missed the booze any?”
She sat down on the sofa a few feet from him and took a swig of her water. “Not really. I tried one of those non-alcoholic beers a couple of days ago but it wasn’t quite the same as the real thing. I’m just thankful that all of those drugs they gave me didn’t hurt my baby any. My doctor has given us both a clean bill of health and I plan on keeping it that way.”
“That’s really great to hear, Tracy,” Tom said. He paused a moment and then said, “Surprised to see me?”
“I wasn’t too awfully surprised when you called me, but I have to admit I was a little shocked when you said you wanted to come over tonight,” she replied. “Where did you tell your wife you were going?”
Tom took a huge slug of Ultra, feeling a welcome jolt as the cold brew flowed down his palate. He stared over at Tracy and shook his head slowly from side to side.
“I’m going to level with you, Tracy-I’ve had more than my share of avoiding confrontations and beating around the bush with everybody.”
Tracy gazed at him inquisitively. “What do you mean by that?”
“I mean that I’ve learned a whole lot about a lot of things lately. I’ve learned why some things are not better left unsaid and that there is a price to pay when you turn your head and look in the other direction when things aren’t going quite the way you want them to go.”
“Okay, now I’m really confused. What in the world are you talking about, Tom?”
He took another slug, trying to get his courage up, grasping for the right words to say.
“Peg and I have split up.”
Tracy was unable to hide her disbelief. “You what?”
“We split up. That shouldn’t really come as any real surprise to you, taking into account all that has happened.”
“Jesus, Tom! I knew she would be pissed at you, but you always told me that you were madly in love with each other and that nothing would ever tear you two apart. Did you try to reason with her?”
“Ha, now that’s a laugh! Tracy, there isn’t anything reasonable about what has happened-not a damn thing! I’ve been living a lie with my wife ever since you and I went out on our first date. Now that she knows about us, she has done exactly what I knew she would do. I’m not surprised in the least.”
“Oh God, Tom-I’m so sorry! I know how much you love her and the kids. I never wanted this to happen!”
“It’s not the end of the world-so don’t be too hard on yourself. If I had to sum up the biggest lesson I’ve learned, it would be ‘you can’t have your cake and eat it, too.’ You can try like hell, but it just doesn’t happen.”
“But I can’t believe that she wants to end your marriage! I mean, it doesn’t have to be the end of the world when a partner strays in a marriage. She should at least give you a second chance! You did ask her for a second chance didn’t you?”
Tom snickered. “Oh yeah, I was literally down on my knees begging her. But it’s one thing having an affair with somebody and another thing making a baby with that somebody.”
Tracy gaped at him, aghast. “What do you mean by that? You didn’t tell her-”
“Yes, I did. I told her you were pregnant.”
“Christ, Tom, why? You didn’t have to!”
“Yes, I did. I told you I’m sick and tired of living lies all the time. I wanted to tell her the truth, so that’s what I did.”
Tracy was speechless. She looked away a moment, took a drink of her water and stood up. She went over to the window, parted the blinds and stared outside. Then she turned around and faced him.
“I can’t believe this! I know what all I said to you awhile back about this, but now I’m not sure what to say. I mean, I told you that I wanted you to be the child’s father and to accept responsibility, but I didn’t really realize what I was asking you to do at the time. Now I do…”
Tom stood up and went over to her. He held her in his arms and looked directly into her eyes.
“Listen, Tracy. The last thing I want now is for you to feel bad about any of this. What you wanted me to do when this first came up was completely fair and reasonable. We went out together, had some great times and in the process you got pregnant. You wanted to keep the baby and you wanted me to accept responsibility and do the right think by being a father to the child. And that is exactly what I intend to do.”
Tracy pulled back. “What?”
Tom smiled. “I’m going to be a father to our child.”
Tears welled up in her eyes. “God, Tom-don’t do this if you don’t really mean it. I mean, I can’t take another-”
Tom kissed her lightly on the lips. “Believe me, I mean it.”
He took by the hand and led her over to the sofa. They sat down and Tom faced her.
“I’m going to let you in on something that may help you understand why I have changed my mind about this. But first, I want you to know that I do indeed love my wife and my kids. And I want nothing more than for my family to stay together. In fact, if Peg walked through that door right now and told me to come home, that she forgave me, I’d go with her in a heartbeat.
“But I really don’t think that’s going to happen. And if she can’t ever forgive me, then I guess that’s just the way it will have to be. I’ll get by-I’ll have to get by. And I will always be a part of my kids’ lives in either case-Peg would never try to alienate them from me; I’ll give her that.
“But the bottom line is that I have to-no, I want to be a father to this child. I have finally realized that I owe both of you at least that much.”
As she listened, Tracy’s face wore a range of expressions. And right now she looked confounded.
“I’m speechless, Tom.”
“I can see why you might be. A lot has happened in the last week or so that you need to know about. And when I’m done telling you, I think you’ll understand why I feel the way I do.”
Tom proceeded to tell Tracy about the dream from beginning to end, and all of the events leading up to his meeting with Mindy Conkel. It was during his account of that meeting that Tom became uncharacteristically emotional.
“In a nutshell, I visited her and learned that she had two kids, a young boy and a girl. Both were too young to have been the child she had been pregnant with. So I just came right out and asked her what had ever happened to the child that had supposedly been mine. She told me she had aborted it.”
Tom realized that his voice had trailed off and he had to force himself to maintain his composure. It wasn’t easy.
“Oh, Tom-” Tracy said. “That is so sad.”
“Well, I won’t sit here and pretend that this news didn’t hurt. Not only did it mean that I would never know my child, but I realized that I was the reason she had an abortion. I hadn’t made any effort to hear her out, or to even consider the possibility that this was my flesh and blood we were talking about. Nope, instead I just basically told her too bad, so sad and went on my merry way. And look what happened. That baby never had a chance.”
Tracy placed a hand on Tom’s shoulder. “God, Tom. This is horrible. But you can’t totally blame yourself for this. She made the decision not to keep the child, not you.”
“No, I helped her make the decision by default. By not giving a shit or even acting like I gave a shit. That’s what iced it.”
They both fell silent. Tom took a drink of beer and shifted uncomfortably on the sofa. Tracy stared at the window, lost in thought. A few moments later, Tom spoke.
“When I drove back to Columbus, all I could think of was you and how I was not going to let this happen again. All I wanted to do was tell you that I would be a father to our baby and that I didn’t care what happened as a result. I tried to call you several times but only got your voicemail. I went straight to your apartment and that’s when I realized that those bastards had taken you.”